Budding Relationship With A Desert Storm Combat Vet

[Liddy]

I very recently met a wonderful man with PTSD. He is in therapy and taking his medications as directed. He's also going through a heated divorce and custody battle. I don't have a lot of knowledge of this disease, and I'm seeking some guidance here.

My new friend is very nice, intelligent, and has a deep desire to connect to a woman. I've seen the scars of where is soon-to-be-ex-wife has injured him during their relationship. She was the abuser in the relationship, so that compounds the situation. He is quite romantic over the phone and via text, and when we're together, he's very romantic as well. He's concerned about the side effects of some of the drugs on his sex life, but that doesn't concern me. He's a wonderful man, and I thoroughly enjoy our time together.

I am concerned that he may get attached too fast, or that I may get attached too fast. I am concerned that there are times that he is so distant, and I don't know if that's a part of the disease. Should I expect angry outbursts? Should I expect him to withdraw from the relationship? Does having him talk about it help? Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Liddy

 

[nursenurse]

Hi Liddy,

You are right to question things as they stand. From a purely non PTSD point of view, the man is still technically married and going through a messy divorce. He has not cleaned out his closet yet. He is carrying all that emotional baggage from that divorce and highly likely is not prime relationship material at the moment. You have to have a clean house and be able to stand emotionally on your own before heading into another relationship. He has not had any time to sit and think and decide who he is and what he wants. Trust me on that one.

From a PTSD point of view, you are standing on a possible powderkeg. What honestly do you know about this man? Remember, it takes two to tango, and relationship dissolutions are rarely just about the other person. It is good that he is in therapy, taking his meds, and working on himself. But he will need time to process this divorce, and a new relationship, good or bad, is going to overflow his stress cup. He has so much to battle with now, if he is fighting for his kids and for his divorce. I am not saying he is a bad guy, but I wonder how much you really know about him. I do know this, he needs to be free of the divorce and custody battles before he is ready to put his attention into a real relationship. A house divided is sure to fall, and if he is trying to put his attention to you, the divorce, the kids, guess who will lose?

I think you would be in line for a difficult and heart breaking time if you pursue anything more than a light friendship. Give him the space he needs to deal with everything going on in his life. If he is distant, it is because his stress cup is overflowing, and I bet you dollars to donuts that his therapist would tell him that this is not the time to be in a new relationship.

Go carefully, and protect your heart.

 

[Friday]

Danger. Danger Wil Robinson.

 

[Justmehere]

You have a very kind heart to want to support someone going through everything he is going through. I'm really glad you are also seeking to learn more about PTSD and what to expect. Wise step! You are also asking great questions.

Having angry outbursts and withdrawing from a new romantic relationship would not be surprising for someone without PTSD who is going through a heated divorce. I have seen friends without PTSD break up from significant others or get divorces from spouses struggle with this and get very attached really fast in the next relationship, in part due to fears of being alone. It's common enough of a phenomenon that people often talk of "rebound relationships." Being the rebound girl isn't a good thing. For either of you.

It's way too soon for you to be dating. Any guy who is dating a girl before his divorce is finalized is someone that I would be very concerned about as it is technically cheating on his wife, even if the divorce is in process. Legally it's cheating. If his soon-to-be ex found out, she could actually use it against him in court! If she is abusive, this may be all the more likely for her to find out and use it against him.

Legal matters aside, going through a divorce is a time of huge emotional vulnerability and he may be looking for anyone close to him to fill the holes in his heart. Like you. The fact that he is so romantic actually makes me more concerned he is going too far too fast, and his actions are fueled by his own fear of abandonment than a healthy desire to build a healthy relationships with you. And if he is willing to be with you before the divorce is final, there is a saying that he might be willing to do the same thing to you - go be with another woman before breaking up with you is fully official.

I know the divorce is in process - but the divorce being in process is all the more reason to wait - soon he can date without it being cheating. Why can't he just wait that amount of time -' and be friends until then? What's the rush between you two to jump in before it's final?

Maybe you both need to give yourselves permission to slow down and wait. And yes, even slower than you are going now. It doesn't mean you can't have any relationship, just not a dating one.

People generally describe their soon to be exs as abusive in all kinds of ways. They usually blame the other party fully and find it really hard to ever face them in court. As far as if she really was as bad as he describes, some of that may be true and some of it may be enhanced by the stress of the divorce. She also could be a serious abusive perp. And if she is the abuser, all the more reason for more and more support therapeutically and to go slow. If she was abusive in the domestic violence sense, then he could/should have things like a restraining order and etc, and possibly even support from the DA's victim advocate.

As far as medication, it's good he is taking his. I'm not sure how you can know that he is taking his meds short of watching him take them every day, but it is not a big deal either way. It's not enough to just take meds. PTSD is a major mental illness, but it's not quite like how people in the general public often view mental illness -- where they believe if someone takes their meds, then all is being done that can be done. Or if someone is having a problem, then it must be because they skipped their meds.... That doesn't really apply to PTSD. Bad days can be due to so any different factors other than medication issues for someone with PTSD.

PTSD is notoriously difficult to treat with medication and is almost never successfully treated with meds alone.

PTSD is also the most treatable major mental illness. People can and do get better. I would be much more concerned about if he is going to regularly scheduled therapy sessions with an experienced trauma therapist, than I would be about medication compliance.

Someone with PTSD and dealing with a divorce is going through a lot and needs friends! I would hold off on a romantic relationship, tell him you want to do that to respect him by doing that. Take this time to be friends. Spend time getting to know each other, and take your time to keep learning about PTSD.

As far as what you can expect with PTSD, I don't think you can fully expect any one thing or not. Sometimes it will get worse before it gets better, and that love and being relationally close with anyone can be very scary for someone with PTSD.

I tell most long term supporters to get counseling of their own and other supports in place. I would also ask him what his symptoms are and how he thinks you you can best help. If he doesn't want to talk yet, keep the lines of communication open, tell him you are open to talking about anything that comes up for him, but don't push it. Being pushed to engage, especially when already triggered, can just makes things worse.

 

[scout86]

I agree with everyone else.

Should I expect angry outbursts? Should I expect him to withdraw from the relationship? Does having him talk about it help? Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

Have you asked him any of those questions? The answers would be worth knowing and it would be worth knowing how he handles being asked. If the 2 of you actually ARE going to have a long term relationship, shouldn't you be comfortable talking about that sort of thing?

Having said that, I've always thought it's best to get finished with 1 "problem" before you take on another one. And,I agree with what's been said about rushing in to another relationship right after a divorce. (BTW, I've been divorced. My ex was a narcissist and more than likely also a sociopath and it STILL wasn't all his fault. Although I'd say my main role was saying "yes" in the first place.)

So, take your time. You have the rest of your lives. Things could work great, but it's WAY easier to get IN to these situations than it is to get out.

 

[RussH]

Your questions are good ones. I am not sure any of us can truly answer the questions without knowing him.

Here are some questions that might help you gain insight.
What caused his PTSD? Was it a violent situation? Or was it abuse from his wife, and if that is the case, did he ever get violent towards her?

Is he able to talk about the flashbacks without triggering himself? If so, can he tell you what his flashbacks are? He might be able to tell you if violence is a possiblity.

As far as the seeming distant; I can see where that would be a part of PTSD, but I can also see it as a part of his being in the divorce process. I can see where he has been hurt in his present marriage, and is afraid to be hurt again.

I think both of you need to really examine if this is a relationship you want to enter into at this time. I can see where there is a real possibility of rebound, and that opens the door for both of you to get hurt.

Take some time a and do some research on PTSD. There is a lot of good information out there, and it can give you a good understanding of what both of you will be facing.

 

[Justmehere]

One other thought - it would probably be good to wait awhile before you two get the kids involved in the relationship too (ie spend time together with them as a couple.) If they live with a violent mother who has physically scarred their father, they probably are going to have their own attachment and trauma related symptoms - it's another factor that means going slow is best. There are a lot of challenges that could come up.

 

[slynnbd]

Hi Liddy,
I'm curious as to how long they've been separated and how long they were married? Just be careful because I've known many couples who still flip flopped back and forth between each other, still not making up their minds as to whether or not the relationship is over. I even have friends who admitted that they slept with their spouse during the separation.

 

[Sighs]

@RussH - I'm guessing from the title that his PTSD is from his military service, but of course it could well be complicated by other factors. If he PTSD is predominantly combat related then so early in the relationship I would NOT ask him about the traumatic events which led to his PTSD. If he volunteers the information that's fine but vets often feel that civvies just do not and cannot understand.

No doubt his wife has hurt him, but you don't know her side of the story. If she left him, there may be a reason for that. He is now having treatment for his PTSD but there may have been a delay in diagnosis and she may have had to cope with untreated PTSD. That may well have contributed to the demise of the relationship. Every failed relationship leaves scars on both parties.

You mention how romantic he is and how he desires a connection with a woman but then you mention his withdrawal - this is classic combat PTSD push/pull. This is emotionally bruising. Every time my combat vet partner pulls away from me my head knows that it is not me and that it doesn't mean he doesn't love me, but my heart aches.

Mmmm - violent outbursts. Very possible. Was he infantry? If so, bear in mind that behaviour that in our world is aggressive and scary is so "minor" compared to the level of violence that these men have seen, suffered and inflicted on others that they don't even register it as violent. Does that make it acceptable? You have to decide what you are prepared to accept. For me, I have promised myself (and told my vet) that if he were ever to hit/push/shove me then I would leave. Have you seen any signs of rage in your friend? Are you ever afraid of him? Is he able to talk about it?

It is possible to have a successful relationship with a combat PTSD sufferer but it sure is NOT easy. You will have to be patient, selfless, endlessly understanding and even if you are all those things if he is not prepared/not well enough to fight for your relationship and work through his issues then he can simply disappear one day and never resurface in your life.

I guess I would urge you to try and take it slowly, learn all you can about combat PTSD, and DO NOT go into it in the hope that his PTSD will improve at some future time. If you are not prepared to accept that this may be as good as it gets for the rest of your lives together then end it now.

Feel free to PM me if you have any specific questions! Good luck, One other thought... my vet didn't actually get divorced from his ex-wife until they had been separated for almost 5 years so just because the divorce is still going through doesn't necessarily mean he isn't ready for a new relationship. But yes, the custody battle is going to fill his stress cup right up! (Not sure where you find it but there is a great explanation of PTSD and the stress cup on this site somewhere!)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Not sure where you find it but there is a great explanation of PTSD and the stress cup on this site somewhere!

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/#post-173960

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't agree that one or both parties seeing other people before the divorce is finalized is necessarily cheating. If both parties have checked out and don't care what the other does, then no, I don't believe it is cheating. That would be like saying everyone in an open marriage is cheating. I have no idea if that is the situation here or not, but I felt the need to say this. A married person dating someone else isn't always cheating.

 

[GG-love]

A person is usually legally separated prior to the divorce while awaiting the final divorce decree. Depending on the timing this may not be a rebound situation at all. That said its great you want to be supportive, but I have found that my bf puts lots of info in his "vault" and shares in his own time. He knows I am always willing to listen but I let him discuss many things in his own time. I hope this is helpful. I wish you the best of luck.