Building Confidence For My Career: Told That I'm A "worrier"

[InsideAWord]

I'm student-teaching in the fall after 4 1/2 years of college. For 2 1/2 years, I worked full-time as a paraprofessional (teacher's aide) for students with emotional and behavioral disorders in a year-round school while going to class at night. Tomorrow is my last day at work and some of the other staff were wishing me farewell and good luck. One of my co-workers, she's actually an assistant teacher (considered professional staff, holds a masters in special education), told me very carefully and with compassion that I'm a worrier; she said that I can't allow myself to worry when I enter the new role as an English teacher with my own classrooms. She indicated that it is imperative that I don't second-guess myself or question how my other co-workers feel about me. She said that if anyone in the new school I'll be at has a problem with me that is significant at all, then they will tell me. She said that she noticed how I'll fret over whether some people at work are annoyed with me and she told me that I can't do that.

And, she's right. It is very competitive to become a public high school English teacher nowadays. She reminded me that I have 2.5 years of experience working with difficult students and that I'm highly regarded as a great teacher's aide at the school I worked at. So, she essentially said that I have to "graduate" my attitude from being an educator on the lowest rung of the education ladder that takes orders from the classroom teacher to a professional educator with a degree and two intensive exams that say that I'm highly qualified in my content area.

I know I'm good at what I do. I know that I have the ability to build rapport with troubled students while still maintaining a respectful social distance during instruction. I know that I'm very well versed in reading instruction, elements of literature, academic writing, creative writing, and literary theory. So, why do I seem to always second guess myself? Why do I always feel like I'm screwing up, or that people are constantly out to get me? Why do I always feel like I have to apologize for being ambitious, taking initiative, and proving myself to be an indispensable employee? Why do I always assume that people dislike me? And even if they do, why do I care so much?

 

[spookedlife]

I honestly believe that asking "why" too much is to get stuck in the problem. When I focus on the problem, the problem gets bigger...when I focus on the solution, the solution gets bigger. I usually find that, while I would tell myself that constantly asking "why" is just necessary to understanding any problem, in order to solve it...what it really takes the form of is "obsessing"...and implicit in obsessing is making a mountain out of a molehill, or "catastrophizing"...and when I make a mountain out of a molehill...THEN I've got a MOUNTAIN to deal with, instead of a molehill, it's that much more daunting, and my confidence flags...and when my confidence begins to flag, I'm on a downhill slope, which becomes more slippery as I pick up speed down the incline.

And so many of those "why" questions really have no answer...or they have one, the answer is actually pretty insignificant, when I discover it...and doesn't really make solving the problem any easier. I spent many a year figuring out the tangle of "childhood issues" responsible for many of my traits, shortcomings, perspective, etc...and after I began to get some insight...not only did it not make it much easier at all to solve the problems...but it wasn't particularly satisfying, even...at least for me.

There are some concrete answers to these questions that are more relevant...for example, trauma reduces the overall volume of the hippocampus, and the hippocampus is responsible for manufacturing most of the Serotonin in our brains...and a dearth of Serotonin is responsible for the tendency to obsess, in most cases...as well as anxiety and paranoia. An SSRI might reduce many of these symptoms, in turn. I'm not a medical doctor, however, so you might consider consulting one, if it really seems to be a problem that you feel has "got you pinned down", and/or may affect you, professionally. I can tell you that these kinds of thoughts/attitudes, etc. are things I'm no stranger to, myself, and I believe are more common that not in those who've suffered trauma. So you're not alone.

It often helps me to just stop, and actually visualize the thought, before my eyes...then stamp "symptom" across it in big letters, and then visualize it being torn off and tossed in the rubbish bin, like an old page from the calendar.

Meditation has also been very beneficial. I think what we often forget...or I do, at least...is that struggling is not bad...it doesn't mean I've failed or am failing...but when I take on that identity as a result of struggling, that's when I start to slip beneath the waves, like a man who drowns due to his efforts to flail about in hopes of saving himself. If he'd just relaxed, and inhaled...he could have simply floated, after all. If you notice yourself "flailing" beginning to panic...just stop, take a deep breath, visualize your problem, stamp an appropriately diminishing and dismissive label on it, and let it go. Don't struggle against it. That's like pulling on a rope at both ends in order to untie a knot. The knot just gets so tight as to be impossible to work free, if I keep that up.

Good luck

 

[Springer80]

a professional educator with a degree and two intensive exams that say that I'm highly qualified in my content area.

Repeat.

I know I'm good at what I do. I know that I have the ability to build rapport with troubled students while still maintaining a respectful social distance during instruction. I know that I'm very well versed in reading instruction, elements of literature, academic writing, creative writing, and literary theory

Repeat.

I know I'm good

Repeat and back to top.

:bookworm::singing::smug:

 

[InsideAWord]

@spookedlife, thank you for your insight and for taking the time to read my post. I understand that what I do is usually just catastrophizing my own thoughts into paranoia, but sometimes I don't realize it until after the fact. Sometimes I'll catch myself in the moment and remind myself, "Everything is fine... just relax... you work in a stressful environment and people are ususally on edge... don't take anything personally.... as long as you're doing your job the best that you can then you are fine." I need to practice this more, obviously, until these negative thoughts don't even pop up anymore.

An SSRI might reduce many of these symptoms, in turn. I'm not a medical doctor, however, so you might consider consulting one, if it really seems to be a problem that you feel has "got you pinned down", and/or may affect you, professionally. I can tell you that these kinds of thoughts/attitudes, etc. are things I'm no stranger to, myself, and I believe are more common that not in those who've suffered trauma. So you're not alone.

I actually was on two SSRIs for almost 6 months, but I weaned off them after my psychiatrist decided that I could handle the stresses of life without them. Now, I'm on adderall for grounding purposes and staying occupied and focused while moving through my hectic schedule.

I gave up drinking since I'm almost 24 now and I'm starting my career. I realized that when I drank, the catastrophizing thoughts would reappear with a vengeance and my nights out were never much fun. The morning after, since I was dehydrated and sleep-deprived, I would feel more self-conscious and depressed. So, my sober lifestyle has relieved some of these negative feelings.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I totally agree with @spookedlife! I think it is human nature to always want to know why, but the truth of the matter is that much of the time, knowing why doesn't really help solve anything. (I'm sure that sometimes it does, but I know that often it doesn't.) I think that perhaps instead you could work on pumping up your self esteem by using CBT skills. Go through all of those self-talk exercises so that your mind doesn't get stuck in those negative thoughts.

 

[InsideAWord]

Repeat.



Repeat.



Repeat and back to top.

:bookworm::singing::smug:

This made me tear up a bit -- in a good way. =] Especially the last one. Thank you.

 

[Springer80]

The thing is you are good. You do it naturally, inherently and in some ways that's why you can't see it and also why you shouldn't worry about it because whether you do or you don't worry, you've found your vocation.

A duck does not wonder why it floats. :hug:

 

[InsideAWord]

I think it is human nature to always want to know why, but the truth of the matter is that much of the time, knowing why doesn't really help solve anything. (I'm sure that sometimes it does, but I know that often it doesn't.)

That reminds me of something that a professor said to me: "It is none of your business to know how other people think of you."

 

[Springer80]

I find it interesting that you use the word 'know' a lot, when you talk about your ability. You use it every time and it's true. I know that I am talented and creative also. Feeling value is different though. But you can get that from many things and I bet one of the best is when a student who really needs you values you. That is more important than the competitive nature of the private education sector, or fast tracking colleagues bragging about their status. So I wouldn't worry about that at all.

You will do what you are capable of and it will be fine. I don't mean fine as in okay, I mean fine as in precious and gloriously yours.

 

[Springer80]

This made me tear up a bit -- in a good way

Good, I'm glad. It's good to cry, especially tears like that. They soften things up a bit and make things better. :cry::tup::hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You are so worth fighting for.

You did not do well off of your meds and I would recommend going back on them until you feel more comfortable and stabilized.

Just remember all that you have accomplished at such a young age. You are amazing.

If I was you I would practice catching myself on the negative thoughts and replace them with the facts of the situation.

I agree with Springer, just keep on repeating the good things you said about yourself.

 

[Springer80]

If you don't start teaching for a month (?)I would take yourself somewhere nice, do some nice things for you. Not work, not achievements, or goals etc. I don't know why your on this forum but I would suspect that like a lot of others on here you don't value yourself because whatever happened for you started in childhood.

I think you should find a place to relax. You must have loads of good qualities that are great just as they are; not applied to anything, not measured against an exam. You must be a good listener, you must be attentive and respectful and receptive and compassionate.
Your good with kids who have behavioural difficulties so you must be. Those things are so precious just on their own.

You know what I'm doing to give myself some time out. I'm going to help out on a farm for a few weeks. here is a world wide organisation that places people. You get to go to the countryside and be outside in the sunshine and do really gratifying work and no one gives a sh*t if you have a college degree or not. I'm hoping I'll just be the girl who likes nature and collecting wood, who makes goods salads and likes campfires. :inlove::inlove::sleep: