But People Had Worse Childhoods Than You And They Talk To Their Parents!

[Mitzi]

I actually feel a lot better getting all of that anger off my chest! :dance:

 

[leanne1321]

I'm glad you're feeling better! I hate the fact that when I use my diary to vent, I sound so whiny and full of self pity (which I suppose I do) but I feel better for it. And I think that's one of the main uses of the forum, it helps us to get things off our chests and there's others who can understand and help when we fall.

 

[PamelaR]

I barely talk to my mother. My father was my abuser (and he died 21 years ago) but my mother stood by and did nothing. Even though she told me that my father was a peeping Tom, that she found him exposing himself out the window to children, that he molested my 2 female cousins when they were 7 and 10 and that he molested my brother when he was in the 4th grade, she still said that my father would never have done anything to me!

I have set my boundaries, because she won't believe me, I will only text with her about once a month to check in. She tells me that I need to move on and let the past stay the past. So I am moving on and having a relationship with her on my terms.

Take care everyone, we are worth it.
P.

 

[kimba]

All I have left for any close family is my sister who is 15 mo. younger than me. She has never wanted or needed me in her life as a sister so we aren't close anyway. After my mom died almost three years ago, I still kept trying to have a relationship with her even though she didn't really want it. After getting treated like crap for the 900th time, I finally had enough and kicked my only family out of my life. My mom was our only connection and I was just hurting myself by trying to do the same thing over and over and expecting a different reaction. We need to do what we have to so we can be safe, sane people. (As much as we can be anyway.)

 

[Lisa]

I think everybody has the right to choose who they want to have in their life, and who they don't. It shouldn't even need justifying and most certainly not when everybody is in agreement that the person is a horrible person!

I've cut my father out of my life for a whole catalogue of reasons. My mother respects this. Well, really she just doesn't oppose anyone or anything because she's so frightened (she's been very abused). My brother's haven't yet worked it out and it hasn't come up for me to say just yet (speak when spoken to, I am a coward). I know they won't respect my decision (I've always been forced to have contact with him, forced to take presents from him, forced to 'be nice' etc.) As a child my choices, my freedom to make decisions, my right to have feelings, and ultimately to just be me - it was all taken away from me. I don't feel I have yet fully reclaimed my right to act on my own behalf and make decisions based on what I believe is for my best interests. The decision to cut contact was made because of what I found out he had done to my mum. Not the misery he put ME through, but the misery he puts her through. But if there's anything that I will fight for, it's my helpless mother.

I'm sorry your aunt is putting you through the judgements, invalidation, and attempts to control. My family are similar. None of them spend much time with him if they can help it as they all agree he isn't a nice person too -- but nobody but me has made the decision to not see him again. I think that, unfortunately, some people refuse to let go of the illusion of 'family values' when they are in a dysfunctional 'family' that never upheld those values or fulfilled any of the functions and purposes that a family is meant for in the first place. Which is what makes the word 'family' an illusion to me. Sounds like your aunt is projecting her issues onto you, because she can't deal with the reality.

My family buy into the pretense and the false sense of security that this illusion gives them. I think it allows them to think that because they can act as if there is a family, then they are 'like everyone else who has a family too'. Because to think of yourself as someone without a parent or family or family member in your life can be lonely and painful. Some can't take it. Whilst I have an abundence of issues, at least I can see them for what they are. But they can't see their issues, they live in denial and it is crazy to me. They think that being blood related is what it means to be 'family', and that as this tie can never be cut neither should any familial relationship. But I disagree with that. I believe that relationships are supposed to be positive, not abusive. I take the stance that this is my life, it belongs to me, and to an extent I can pick and choose what and who I have in my life based on any reason I feel fit. For me that's having a basic freedom to be me and to have and use the basic human right to make my own decisions.

Sorry I think I might be ranting. How does it make me feel that I don't speak to or see my father? It's just a relief to get him out of my life as much as I can. He's brought nothing positive to my life whatsoever. He only ever inflicts misery on others. However, because I have made a decision, it means that behaviourally 'speaking' - I have "spoken". It means there will be a day when that will be realised and I will be confronted. Then I will have to stand by my decision by speaking words too. That frightens me. But I know that it is important for me to deal with that at some point. If I don't stand up for something, then I stand for nothing. Being me must mean something? At least to me, even if that means nothing to them.

 

[ClairBear226]

My father is completely cut out of my life, and I absolutely understand the term, "dead to me". I have minimal tense and superfiscial contact with my mother. She's manipulative and coniving, and though she didn't cause the worst of it, she caused enough on her own that she deserves no real place in my life. I firmly believe that people should come with "delete" buttons on their foreheads. It would make strategic editing of the evil people a whole lot quicker.

 

[jadebear]

I started missing my mom about a month ago and called her. We were talking about something, and she said "you have such a big imagination, about everything."

It really hurt to hear her say that. It was also sad to know that she's still in denial. But that's her choice, and there's nothing I can do about it.

I do so much better not having contact with her, it affects me way too much. And I have to think about myself.

 

[pi314159]

I think I have a really good relationship with my parents, but when I told them about my abuse, my mum really let me down. She changes between a) not believing that it happened and b) accepting that it happened but believing that I should be over something that happened in the past - she's very angry that I'm taking meds and seeing a psychiatrist. I can't heal with her constantly undermining me. So I will never talk to her about my abuse again. I think it's sad that my mother can't help me through this but that's her choice.

 

[PamelaR]

Pi314,
My mother won't support me either. She also swings between not believing and believing that I should be over it by now. I have chosen not to have contact with her because when I do, my life goes careening out of control. Just by a look or a word that says "I don't believe you", so I choose my healing over my relationship with her.
(((Hugs)))

 

[pi314159]

I'm glad that you chose your healing. I can still keep in contact with my mum, I am just ignoring any negative comments she has about my healing journey (that sounds lame but I guess that's what it is).

 

[Lucycat]

It is really tough.

I now have minimal contact with my Mum. I want her to want me, but it's just not like that. When I even refer to anything vaguely related to the abuse I suffered - like recently she told me what a bad time my cousin was having getting off her antidepressants, and I said that I am still taking sleeping pills ( Quetiapine - a bit more than your standard sleeping meds but she would not get that) she just went quiet. No questions. No comment.

I have to accept that she is not- and never was- your standard loving Mum. But so be it. I have to accept it and move on.