changingone77i
New Here
Hi Everyone.
First off, thanks to everyone at myPTSD. This website/forum has been very helpful to me so far.
I was recently diagnosed with C-PTSD by the VA, and I am trying to process what that means. It's a sledge-hammer of a diagnosis, for sure. Not very hopeful. I'd rather be bipolar.
I have so much going on, symptom-wise, the worst of which is the frequent and debilitating "emotional flashbacks," where I can go into crying mid-sentence, and often can't stop. It weirds people out. Weirds me out. Also anxiety so bad I can no longer stand to be in a crowded room or a city bus, which means I'm not very functional right now.
I also think I dissociate alot. I didn't realize just how not normal all my symptoms are until the last few weeks. I'm so disoriented, dysphoric.
New meds (luvox & new dose of Lamictal) are beginning to mute the sever mood swings, but the suicidal feelings remain.
I feel permanently broken: I can't stand to be touched, it just triggers up so many confusing and painful emotions, so I haven't had a relationship in years. I absolutely hate going out to do anything, but am forcing myself to do so despite having a panic attack almost every time. I tried working recently but was so triggered, and subsequently so humiliated, that I never went back. I feel so alone, lost. I've been rehearsing suicide alot, though I've been unable to complete it, as my body/subconcious just resists despite my best efforts.
I am working closely with the VA, and they've been very helpful. They're referring me to a trauma specialist soon. I was hospitalized two weeks ago, but the environment was so endlessly triggering they let me out.
There was just too much trauma in my early life, from so many angles. So much horrible shit, it's almost unbelievable. There's just no way I'll ever recover or be functional again. I'm almost 40, and things have just gotten worse and worse. I'm exhausted and I don't see the point in continuing like this for decades. f*ck this life. People broke me as a kid, on purpose, for their own selfish reasons. I've spent most of my adult life going from one abusive relationship to the next without much realizing what was going on, re-traumatized over and over again.
I guess that's enough for an introduction. Cheerful, I know, but this is hardly the forum for kittens and cuddles.
-j
First off, thanks to everyone at myPTSD. This website/forum has been very helpful to me so far.
I was recently diagnosed with C-PTSD by the VA, and I am trying to process what that means. It's a sledge-hammer of a diagnosis, for sure. Not very hopeful. I'd rather be bipolar.
I have so much going on, symptom-wise, the worst of which is the frequent and debilitating "emotional flashbacks," where I can go into crying mid-sentence, and often can't stop. It weirds people out. Weirds me out. Also anxiety so bad I can no longer stand to be in a crowded room or a city bus, which means I'm not very functional right now.
I also think I dissociate alot. I didn't realize just how not normal all my symptoms are until the last few weeks. I'm so disoriented, dysphoric.
New meds (luvox & new dose of Lamictal) are beginning to mute the sever mood swings, but the suicidal feelings remain.
I feel permanently broken: I can't stand to be touched, it just triggers up so many confusing and painful emotions, so I haven't had a relationship in years. I absolutely hate going out to do anything, but am forcing myself to do so despite having a panic attack almost every time. I tried working recently but was so triggered, and subsequently so humiliated, that I never went back. I feel so alone, lost. I've been rehearsing suicide alot, though I've been unable to complete it, as my body/subconcious just resists despite my best efforts.
I am working closely with the VA, and they've been very helpful. They're referring me to a trauma specialist soon. I was hospitalized two weeks ago, but the environment was so endlessly triggering they let me out.
There was just too much trauma in my early life, from so many angles. So much horrible shit, it's almost unbelievable. There's just no way I'll ever recover or be functional again. I'm almost 40, and things have just gotten worse and worse. I'm exhausted and I don't see the point in continuing like this for decades. f*ck this life. People broke me as a kid, on purpose, for their own selfish reasons. I've spent most of my adult life going from one abusive relationship to the next without much realizing what was going on, re-traumatized over and over again.
I guess that's enough for an introduction. Cheerful, I know, but this is hardly the forum for kittens and cuddles.
-j
