C-ptsd, narcissistic abuse and subsequent narcissistic tendencies

[Little_Big]

My mother is a narcissist and did and still sees me only within the context of being an extension of herself. I did not receive healthful mirroring or learn that my emotions, thoughts or experiences had any validity, she didn't reflect back that anything I experienced had an importance in it's own right. She kept us all disempowered and helpless so we would rely on her for our physical needs, even as we grew into teenagers and young adults. I was not given the sense of having any of my own boundaries or if I did that these would be respected. From a very young age I was trained to listen to her and her problems as though I was an adult girlfriend, what she needed was priority over anything to do with me, and the love expressed was more to do with control than me being an autonomous person in my own right.

Through therapy I've come to understand her narcissism is the result of her basic developmental needs not being met as a young child. In turn, because of her childhood experience and then not consciously healing herself before having kids, I in turn did not get many of my basic developmental needs met.

So it's possible I may have developed some narcissistic tendencies myself, to cope with this lack. It is likely if there is some it is being expressed in a different way with me, as we are different people. It's feeling hard to spot!

Has anyone else had this experience? How did you come to see clearly what aspects of your being were narcissistic? Can anyone recommend any resources for this?

I am growing my awareness as I continue to understand and to heal and am willing to see all that I need to see, even if it's uncomfortable.

With thanks.

LB

 

[I_Am_Titanium]

Wow.. that sounds very insightful and that you're on a good path for healing and recovery. What you're describing sounds similar to what I'm going through - inner child work. Are you currently seeing a good therapist? I've learned from mine that narcissism is a spectrum and there is such a thing as healthy narcissism. Being able to ask yourself those questions is huge, IMO. Not everyone can ask themselves if they are exhibiting narcissistic traits.

I check in with myself, my friends, and my therapist from time to time. Partly because my ex is pretty narcissistic and emotionally abusive. He keeps claiming I'm a raging narcissist but with his behaviors it's pretty apparent he's projecting his narcissism onto me. That and he doesn't realize there's such a thing as healthy narcissism. Without it, we'd be co-dependent and doormats. I'm a recovering doormat. My father was a narcissist and I ended up in quite a few relationships with male narcissists (some overt and some covert).

I'm currently reading the book "Homecoming" by John Bradshaw and am finding it extremely helpful so far. It's inner child work. So I highly recommend not going through that book alone (i.e. see a therapist who is good with inner child work), if that is what you need. I don't know if it would help you or not. I've heard the book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" by Karyl McBride is a really good one for children of narcissistic mothers. I haven't read it, though. Every so often I go through articles on Psychology Today about narcissism and see if anything stands out to me in regards to my behaviors. I hope that helps!

 

[Deleted member 541]

We all have some Narcissistic behaviors/tendency because without them, we wouldn't be able to thrive/take care of ourselves. Some people have more than others. Does this qualify as a narcissistic diagnosis???? I don't think so. I guess it would depend if you are totally focused on just yourself and meet all of the required aspects of Narcissistic disorder.

I think you are just trying to figure out how to have self care, personal care and trying to heal and that you are really trying NOT to be Narcissistic. Don't think you are even close to that!!!!!

Take care....

 

[Little_Big]

Wow.. that sounds very insightful and that you're on a good path for healing and recovery. What y...

Thank you for that very thoughtful response!

I've been working consciously with my inner child for about 6 months and have an excellent therapist whom I speak with sporadically over the phone and another I've started seeing face to face recently for EDMR to explore ways of rewiring the bit of my brain that reacts to stimuli that trigger flashbacks of trauma. Huge amounts of anger is coming up at the minute as I see more clearly what I experienced and the patterns she is still attempting to run with me. I also just became entangled and managed to extricate myself from an incredibly solipsistic, perhaps narcissistic man, and the rage I feel from his attempted and also successful manipulations feels like a reaction bigger than the sum of it's parts in me. My therapist says that this kind of rage is inner child work, it's the demarcation of 'not ok'. I feel it's me learning about my boundaries, as an adult now learning how to recognise them, what they look like, how they feel. It's big work. I used to be an endless giver too.

Thanks for the book suggestion, I'll take a look. And wishing you all the best with your ongoing healing work.

 

[Little_Big]

We all have some Narcissistic behaviors/tendency because without them, we wouldn't be able to thrive/take...

Hi She Cat,

Thanks for your perspective on this. Totally agree some of these milder type of behaviours are necessary for self care and protection and perhaps even more necessary when such self care is being learnt anew as an adult as part of a self healing journey. I also feel it's likely I may have developed a bit more than those who haven't experienced narcissistic abuse and want to stay vigilant to this so as to not unwittingly replicate the same solipsism I experience from my mother.

Wishing you well on your jouney!

LB

 

[Sideways]

You have great amounts of insight, which is going to be so so helpful with your recovery, and your T sounds like a really good egg. I know it might be a but too personal, but when you say that you thjnk you may have developed narcissistic tendencies, do you have something specifoc in mind that you're concerned about?

It may help with more directed responses because I agree with the above comments that narcissism isn't, in all forms and mannerisms, a bad thing. You seem to have too much insight and concern into the nature of your relationships and how each person contributed to those to have NPD. But by the same token, that doesn't mean there isn't interpersonal difficulties that you want to overcome and grow out of, you know?

Someone commented on a different thread that our inner child (and particularly I would think an angry inner child) would be inherently narcissistic, because that's how children perceive the world. "I'm hurting right now, and nothing else is registering", so if the inner child is the problem, the healthy adult stuff you're working on with your T sounds pretty much bang on...idk?

 

[I_Am_Titanium]

Thank you for that very thoughtful response!
.

Thank you. I'm really glad to hear that you have an excellent therapist. I agree with @She Cat and @Ragdoll Circus.

I've been doing EMDR with my therapist for a few years now and it's helped me tremendously. I had a lot of anger come up as well once I started to wake up and realize that my ex is narcissistic (a very unhealthy and toxic person) and is emotionally abusive. He started out more of a covert narcissist but now he seems more overt. The stronger I get, it seems the more obvious and worse his emotional abuse becomes. I think my being strong, setting good boundaries, and divorcing him triggered his wounded inner child in a very big way. He seems to have a hair line trigger now and goes into narcissistic rages at what seems like the smallest things. It's a long story. Now I just try my best to go "gray rock" (we have 50/50 custody of the children) and leave him alone as much as I can.

I agree that inner child work is big work. I only recently started my inner child work and I think I have a long way to go still. It's been very insightful so far. It's helped me to realize not only do I have a very wounded inner child but also just how wounded my ex's inner child probably is. Part of me feels sorry for him because his inner child is obviously hurting and he doesn't realize this and part of me still struggles to forgive him (for my peace of mind) for his blatant continued attempted emotional abuse. Recently he's resorting to attempts at gaslighting me about my own past before him and triangulating my family against me (i.e., smear campaign in full force). Thankfully it's not working.

I wish you luck on your healing journey as well. :)