Can’t cut!

[Flip flop]

Well, feel free to laugh. Seriously.

Cutting used to work so well for me.

Tried to do it a few months ago. Couldn’t make myself.

Sounds like such a sad thing, doesn’t it? LOL. Boo-hoo....can’t cut yourself? Poor me!

Well, I lost my nerve. Actually afraid of doing permanent and real harm to myself. Just couldn’t make myself do it. Who in his right mind could complain about that?

Tried a little phlebotomy on myself instead. Well, hell. Lost my nerve on that too.

So, what am I whining about?

I’ve lost The Magic Bullet, that’s what.

What cutting did for me was a lot.
It got me out of depressive ruts. It got me unstuck when nothing else freaking worked.
It gave me energy, feelings of exhilaration, and I could get things accomplished.
It would temporarily vanquish agoraphobia.
I was on top of the world. My symptoms would vanish.
I feared nothing.
I could do anything I needed to get done.
I was highly functional.
I felt “normal.”
Immediately after a cutting session, I would feel as if I had leapt up in the air, shouting, “It’s going to be a great day!” and actually feeling that way.

So, without that magic bullet, what do I do now? As the song says, “Ain’t nothing like the real thing.”

Screw it. Stuck with techniques like meditation, stretching, exercise, journalling, art therapy, etc. yeah, those things are helpful coping strategies and all. Better, safer, healthy and effective modalities....just less powerful and no exhilaration.

Damn. No more magic bullet. Unless, of course, anyone has any suggestions.

Somehow I don’t think meth is the answer either. LOL.

 

[The Albatross]

Nope... meth is definitely not the answer. It's hard not to be happy when a maladaptive behavior disappears.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I know that for some cutting is a coping skill, a release of some kind. But in the end it’s actually self harming and not a good or healthy coping skill. There are healthy ones if you want to experiment???? Walking, running, hiking, biking, kick boxing and things that will get your adrenaline going. Then there are the self soothing ones, which will help to calm you. Hot baths with bubbles, candles, music.

I for one am glad that you can’t cut anymore. And no meth isn’t a good choice either....

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @Flip flop.... I get it... It's that instant relief.. Where the thoughts stop and the pain kicks in..
You're looking for that.... Unfortunately the only other one I know that's does that is extreme sports.... I guess it comes down to learning a new way which you have... You should be really proud of that.....

 

[Friday]

Every maladaptive coping mechanism I know of comes along with the downside that -sooner or later- they stop working.

It can be situational (you stop being the most f*ckable thing in the room or in 10 miles, you no longer have a car to drive fast, you're injured and can't adrenaline junkie your way through life, SubstanceX is unavailable, you're no longer allowed anything sharper than a crayon, you're too broke to buy food, etc.)

...or...

It can be physical (your tolerance has increased to lethal levels, your organs are shutting down, you've lost too much blood, you have major nerve damage, you develop vasovagal syncope, etc.)

Whether you can't GET to your coping mechanism of choice, or whether you body simply no longer accepts it? There just comes a time where turning to it doesn't work anymore.

Early on in my career I had ONE magic bullet... Which quickly multiplied into FOUR magic bullets (because losing access was intolerable)... Which eventually multiplied into DOZENS of damn good options. Any single one of those dozens a magic bullet? Nope! But they were all sustainable AND when added together created the exact same effect as the one & done. Which was maaaaaaaaaagic :smug: :inlove: <swoon> Truly. Because now my daily life revolved around -essentially- hedonism. Multiple parts of every. single. day. whose focus was feeling good & f*cking living :sneaky: Which is about as opposite as feeling terrible & quick relief as I can think of. There was no putting off my coping mechanisms, or trying to white knuckle it, or feeling terrible for as long as possible before I gave in. Every day. Multiple times a day. Doing shit that made me feel awesome. That made my life better, and me healthier, and were things I could totally revel in. <<< That? Is what I aim for, these days. No, it's not a one & done. It's a helluva lot and all the time. :D Which is bliss.

Grumble grumble kick something snarl... Now... rebuilding them INTO my life? Total pain in the ass. Sounds easy, they're small things right, but ain't. Totally. Worth. It. Though.

 

[EveHarrington]

Nope. Meth isn’t the answer. Unless the question is an inquiry into a good way to lose your teeth!

 

[Flip flop]

I appreciate everyone’s comments on this thread.

I tried some self-care stuff...meditation and hot bath. Tried talking to myself as if I were a best friend giving myself some advice. Finally concluded that a) There is no emergency (yay!) and b) I am likely just depressed.

Decided that it’s okay to be depressed, gave myself permission to feel depressed, and the idea of putting a couple strings of Christmas lights around occurrred to me. Light - heard that can help bust up depression.

Got some hypnosis stuff to watch/listen also.
Sat in a sunny room today. Helped.

I will check in with my T soon.

I am so glad that there is no emergency.

Hoping everyone is having a decent weekend! :)