Can All Men Be Provoked To Violence?

[J'qel]

If a he or she threatens physical violence in regards to having an object taken from them during a conversation with a loved one, after they have simply tuned them out, I feel it's inappropriate. Should the phone have been taken? Hell no.

That doesn't make the threat of violence acceptable. Remember the old saw: two wrongs don't make a right.

He should have said that he didn't want to talk about it. Not given a shot and then went quiet. When you give a parting shot you know you're going to tick someone off. You're trying to "win", which means the discussion isn't a discussion it's a case of belittling someone. No so good in a marriage.

In response it shouldn't have been to invade his space and take his belonging. Something like "Talk to me, tell me what's going on, or at least say that you don't want to talk about this..."

If someone takes something from me, I'd be angry, and so would my husband. Threats of violence are not our go tos and they shouldn't be for anyone.

The *only* time violence should enter in is in self defense against violence. There are no exceptions.

 

[Friday]

I also think sometimes it's easy to loose sight of how someone else might experience our behaviour - not wanting to bitch and moan and actually not bitching and moaning are two different things.

@0101

^^^^
This is one thing that gets me, far too regularly. Especially tangled up in abuse & DV. The whole "being able to trust someone's appraisal of my affect" vs "knee jerk denial against anyone's appraisal of my affect" (side effect of gaslighting & blameshifting).

Before abuse if someone told me I was being bitchy (angry, sad, happy, whatever) it was an instant check. After abuse there's now this pause. Where I have to do a quick run through of the last little while in my head to verify their truth against my truth. More often than not (these days, with the people in my life, now)it's just like, blink blink. Oh! I guess I am, aren't I? Huh. No matter whether they tell me that "someone's mood is through the roof!" :D or that I'm baiting someone when I thought I was being pretty fair/neutral :facepalm: Dammit. I guess I am, aren't I? It's frustrating as hell in some ways, and relaxing as f*ck in other ways. I can do reality checks. I can trust others to be honest with me. What they're seeing may not be right, or may not be my intent, but it IS honest.

During abuse I started out believing what I was told about my affect, that I was being a certain way, and it was part of the frog-boiling-in-water / how my boundaries were moved to accept the abuse. Later, it became a complete breech of trust. If someone was telling me "how" I was? They were wrong. Whether my abuser gaslighting, or well-intentioned friends/family believing & commenting on the facade I was presenting. Nope. Huh-uh. That's not who I am. That's not how I feel. That's not my life. That's not right. <<< Which is a mindset I kick into when I'm abuse-triggered. The automatic defensiveness, denial, mistrust. I have to very consciously set it aside when I'm in that headspace. Easier said than done. A sort of mental-grounding. I hate it. Because I can't trust my own judgement when I'm in it. (Which is a normal for me with PTSD. Not being able to trust my own judgment is just part and parcel of me dealing with it.) But the abuse piece? Means I also don't want to trust anyone else's judgment, when I'm in it. It makes for a very tangled reality. I'm more aware of it than other mind sets I trip into, because abuse was fairly late in my trauma history so it's not as pervasive AND because I watch my son drop into it whenever he's been dealing with his father. In reality OR nightmares, worries, etc. It's this night and day thing with him, and soooooo crazy clear for me to see when he's wrestling with that particular demon. SMH. In my own head? It feels much more subtle. Something that creeps into my reality. IDK how it appears to others. If it's as on/off for me as it is for my son, it's the difference of living it vs observing it that makes it feel subtle, or if it really is subtle. I really just don't know.

***

Point being, a neutral 3rd party? Is just useful even in normal relationships, to be an accurate judge of communication breakdowns. But when I'm dealing with trauma stuff inside of a relationship? OMFG. X1000.

 

[Deleted member 35429]

Although I also think sometimes it's easy to loose sight of how someone else might experience our behav...

I understand your point, but it's not that I don't want to bitch and moan but I do it subconsciously, I actually don't do it routinely at all. I don't have to bitch and moan. My husband is attentive to every detail of the home and work and we have plenty of resources to make our life easy enough to manage. I think my husband is such a perfectionist that my mentioning I want to replace the skylights pointed out something imperfect in our world...and quite possibly he avoids my trauma and ptsd because that also highlights something imperfect in our world. Imperfection is his achilles heal.
I understand the assumption that I really am always criticizing him since that's a common thing in a marriage but he's exceptional at nearly everything...There is nothing to criticize...except that he attempts to control my emotions by stonewalling which triggers me into a mad woman. For that reason we will go to counseling.

 

[The Albatross]

"I don't want to bitch and moan but I do it subconsciously"... good that you acknowledge something you can endeavor to change.

At the worst years of communication breakdown, my mister was diagnosed with depression and we were asked independently if we thought the other was "a good willed/well intentioned person". We both decided that the other was. That decision, to reaffirm that each other was a good willed/well intentioned person" was the first step back to more balance and effective kind communication.

We have a plaque hanging over our hallway, leading to the bedrooms, an old Montel Williams quote: "Speak without offending, Listen without defending". It has hung there for years after our three rounds of marital/joint counseling and it is a constant reminder to both of us of those more difficult times and how important it is to be kinder in communications to each other.

 

[James McGregor]

It's sounds like for some reason he wants to be violent or he's honestly just waiting for you to let him...

Every person has the ability to be violent, regardless of sex, it's in some people's nature, a male or female using those kind of stereotypes is simply acting like a child

 

[Sunshineturtle]

Ive been with my husband 13 yrs and he's never hit me. I chose him in part because he's very stable. He ha...

Absolutely NOT! HE AND ONLY HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS CHOICE to become violent. EVER. If he chooses to become violent, than that was his choice, one that ge made willingly and consciously. He could have chosen to walk away. He is setting you up to believe you would be responsible. Do not allow yourself to believe thst. Please speak with someone profesdional. Call a domestic violence hotline for your local resources, because if he hasn't been violent yet, he will be. He sounds like he may be emotionally abusive already and you may not be aware. Stay safe.

 

[talon]

Ive been with my husband 13 yrs and he's never hit me. I chose him in part because he's very stable. He ha...

Yes and women to for that matter . We all have personalities that are different and passions can run high . There are numerous incidents where both male and females have snapped with tragic consequences . However violence cannot be excused and apart from maybe very extreme circumstances can be avoided . There are signs to look out for. Sometimes it can start as verbal , then financial before becoming physical. Changes in circumstances can also inflame situations, job loss etc