Sufferer Can Anyone Help Me Understand What I'm Even Trying To Say Below?

[Jadie Rose]

I just wrote my first response/post after joining this group tonight. I feel like the last 15 years have all been a big blur and I did not even know I had real PTSD until after trying to commit suicide three times in November. After re reading what I wrote, I still could not even make sense of any of what I am trying to even share? Can anyone help me understand what you see me trying to say after reading what I wrote below? I used to love to write and have been told my writing is excellent, usually, but I am at a complete loss on this forum, trying to make anything flow properly/well.

I re experienced it all over again and for many months had no understanding of any of what was going on. I had four major musculoskeletal surgeries this past year (I lost use of leg and right arm/hand and neck, sadly) and somehow projected the whole experience of the gang rape from 15 years ago on to my many MDs. I thought the Dr's were following me and watching me from the roof across the way; I thought one surgeon dressed up as a homeless guy to watch me in the shopping area as I walked my dog daily. It was so scary. I even somehow thought none of my MDs believed any of my chronic pain and that one of my married surgeons was always coming on to me. I suddenly burst in my head out of so much confusion (I don't know how to even explain any of this yet, as I'm just seeing a trauma therapist and trauma psychiatrist and sadly only see each once a month, it's Kaiser) about this MD always touching me and blatantly wrote a letter telling him I wanted to F*** him. That is SO NOT like me AT ALL (no sex nor men in four years now), but I was bursting inside and just had to know the truth, yet it was all a re experience of all I went through after the gang rape 15 years ago. I never knew anything like that was even possible...guessing I must have re experienced things in the past but just never really knew what ever triggered me (if that even makes any sense??). Anyway, think I'm rambling on and don't even know exactly what I'm saying. I'm brand new here and this is my first post, sorry. In the past I would always work out really intensely whenever anything happened, now I can barely walk, and I have to face things and sadly have been binge drinking and I HAVE to stop drinking alcohol, it's getting me into more trouble. That's a whole other story - it's the only way my emotions come out and I black out and send messages to people about how much they hurt me and I hate it so I don't know why I even drink?? I'm so hung over now and I do not want to be sent away to a home and separate from my dog - she is all I have and she will be devastated - so I joined this forum in hopes instead of drinking maybe I could come here instead and talk about things:) That scares me though, because I was in group IOP for a few weeks after I Attempted suicide three times in Nov and the nightmares and flashbacks just got so extremely bad I had to quit group. I am such an angry person, too, I sadly am well known at Kaiser for being "that" patient everyone calls BPD. Gosh, my life has just spiraled downward - I used to be in such amazing shape and now am 230 pounds, can barely walk anymore at only 42, used to be beautiful and dress so nice and now am mostly in my room in sweats, used to be so extremely independent and made good money, now living in my parents' home with little savings left and awaiting my ALJ case hearing for SSA and disability (which I am so nervous and anxious about)...I'm just plain scared of everything and taking four prazosin every night now in hopes the nightmares might stop. I often turn my phone off because I hate my friends wanting to talk with or see me (I know I'm lucky to have a few great friends who want to be there for me, but every day I keep telling them I will call you tomorrow and then I do it all over again to them...I can't talk because I just have no idea what is going on with me and how am I supposed to explain it to them when I have no clue day in and out what is even happening to me??? Drinking is not going to help me, it's just going to hurt me more so I thank you for allowing me to come here and ramble my scattered views about my life after 15 years of just feeling like I've been running and running like Forrest Gump, just for the sake if running (hope that even makes sense?! LOL). I've ruined SO MANY relationships over the years and I feel like soon I am going to have NO ONE left, I need so much help and I'm so scared and ashamed to think about the past and all I have done to hurt people and embarrass myself (it all has just piled on and on and no clue how to be okay with ALL of it), feeling so very out of control for 15 long years...trying to even organize my thoughts is so hard right now. Thanks for listening!! Nice to know I'm finally not alone, in my head, as I have felt I have been for 15 years since even I had no idea I had real PTSD even. Thanks and hugs to everyone on here!!

 

[Weedflower]

All PTSD is real!

I'm not sure if I have helpful advice for you, but I can understand a degree of what you are experiencing.

I used to bury myself in my art. Then I developed carpal tunnel, and I lost my way of coping with the anxiety. I started cutting myself. What I learned from that is that going to therapy is a huge help. I think all people need someone to talk to, though finding a therapist you trust can be difficult. Secondly, you should start cutting all bad things out of your life -- especially alchohol. You may not be able to really workout anymore, but whatever you can manage can help. Stretching has helped me a lot! I always feel better when I take care of myself -- drink enough water, get enough sleep, eat enough balanced meals, and exercise or get some fresh air. This can be a first step for you.

It might also help to avoid men where you can. Then slowly build back up to being around men. Request only female doctors. I doubt they would say no given your history. This way you can get the treatment you need without feeling paranoid and anxious.

Lastly, don't feel bad about how things used to be. I know this is difficult (and I should take my own advice here). But having money and dressing nice aren't really what matter. Being happy matters. If you're happier in sweats, wear sweats. I also understand not wanting to feel like a burden to your parents, but that's what parents are for -- caring for their children no matter how old they are. I'm not sure if you have a good relationship with your parents or not, but if you do, it might help you to lean on them a little while you get through this.

Again, best of luck.

 

[Justmehere]

Welcome to the forums!

After re reading what I wrote, I still could not even make sense of any of what I am trying to even share? Can anyone help me understand what you see me trying to say after reading what I wrote below? I used to love to write and have been told my writing is excellent, usually, but I am at a complete loss on this forum, trying to make anything flow properly/well.

PTSD can actually make it hard to write or talk about trauma or triggers in a chronological linear fashion. However, in your case, your writing is clear. It may not be up to your typical standards, but it's easy enough to follow.

Have you considered DBT therapy? It may help with your understandable struggle to manage emotions and triggering relationships.

 

[Jadie Rose]

Thank you, Weedflower, for your wonderful words - it truly helps knowing someone understands these garbled words in my mind, being typewritten out for the first time! And please pardon me, I am new at dealing with PTSD and just figuring out how to write about it...yes, all PTSD is real. I am so sorry to hear about what happened with you, but you sound like you have worked through the cutting and have come out a strong person on the other end, I'm so glad! Yes, baby steps are what I keep reminding myself to remember. Great first steps advice, thank you. To answer your question about my relationship with my parents, they really do want to help and try, but the drinking has really made them upset and worried and so, besides the health concerns you mentioned, I really need to stop completely to mend relations with them again. They are pretty dysfunctional (I know, most families are these days), so I can lean on them some but not a whole lot. Financially, I have been using my savings up to pay some of the bills, that's been hard with no income and surgeries, but just hoping disability will be approved soon and I can just stop worrying about so much uncertainty in my future soon - this will definitely help me follow through with building on to the first steps you so kindly offered. Again, thank you and may our journey to peace coincide again soon. Wishing you the best!

 

[Jadie Rose]

Welcome to the forums! Have you considered DBT therapy? It may help with your understandable struggle to manage emotions and triggering relationships.

Thank you, it's very nice to be here, involved with this forum! And your feedback is much appreciated - you summed it up exactly as I needed to hear it, that I'm making sense.

I just started DBT and look forward to learning more about it. I sure hope it can help with all such struggles because I do not want to lose anymore people in my life! Glad to hear someone had success with it, thank you, again!

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Wow! How awful for you!!!! Your writing is quite simple to follow. Your thoughts are quite clear.

I can't identify with a lot of what you've experienced, however most of us can identify with some of the side effects you're going through. Hypervigilance, seeing people differently, hiding from the outside world, anxiety.... those are all connected to PTSD. The diagnosis may be new for you, but does it feel better to know that what you're feeling and experiencing does make sense and is normal?

I found joining the forum to be so helpful since suddenly there were so many people around me who understood and spoke my lingo. That was so important! They also wanted to hear from me.

I'm so glad you found the forum. I hope you really connect and recognize that despite the support you'll receive, you'll also realize just how much you have to offer.

 

[Jadie Rose]

Wow! How awful for you!!!! Your writing is quite simple to follow. Your thoughts are quite clear....

Thank you, my new friend! It was a very rough couple of weeks there and I just watched and rewatched the same movie each day (a different one each day, but once lost concentration and realized I had I would restart it just to keep from thinking and have not been drinking - that's a first for me after so many years of doing, but promised my trauma psychiatrist who has 20+ years as top psychiatrist for the VA, I can't lie so I just chose I have to stop drinking).

I feel strange, to tell you the truth because I used to cry so much and now just don't have any feelings anymore. I can't, it's like I'm just done with feeling anything and on automatic now. I must be getting better, I guess, since only nightmares now and able to flee (even with my chronic pain in so many areas) when sense danger...I couldn't even sense it before for so many months and now reevaluating all that happened the past year and many, many years ago with trauma team of P & T. Psychiatrist said I've always been "working" so hard and too hard and now I just need to relax more - I have always been trying to work on myself to keep from being how I am right now, but it never sticks and now my body has forced me to remain on mostly bed rest so I have no choice in the matter. I used to work out 2-3 hours very intensely every day and it just occupied everything within. If I was too sore, then I would work A LOT. But now can't do either so gotta fig out what else to do now.

It's kind of scary, I want answers and there are none. Sometimes (a lot of the time, actually), I wonder if I'm faking it, like is my mind playing tricks on me and I have learned how to fake it too well?? Why am I even thinking this stuff, I really don't know. Wondering if it's because I worked so hard on myself with affirmations, audio books, intense yoga, training for half marathon, work, etc etc that now that I can't work on myself I just think I'm fake or something because I can't seem to control my brain (it's like I'm still there but maybe the 1,000,000th mirror image of myself and cannot control the image before me - it also always looks like I'm out of my body when thinking about stuff. It's so strange. So, I don't know yet how to answer that Justmehere, except in DBT the trauma therapist said they don't understand PTSD much oh and she said PTSD is "just an insurance term," what does that even mean??? It's scary because no one can guide me on what to do now that I know, Dr's/therapists/life coach/yoga there was always stuff to occupy my mind and just replace it all (especially working out so much) but after so many years and nothing sticking I just don't want to do that work anymore - one day at a time - I'm just so angry).

Hugs to all...JR

 

[Jadie Rose]

Wow! How awful for you!!!! Your writing is quite simple to follow. Your thoughts are quite clear....

I'm sorry, Stp2012, THANK YOU, I feel like I have ADHD right now and can't breathe to calm myself down and am missing stuff LOL. My comment above is to both you and Justmehere.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Don't be sorry @Jadie Rose . You have NOTHING to be sorry about or ashamed of. Maybe ADHD is somewhere in the mix, I wouldn't know anything about that.

I do get what you're describing as far as not feeling any emotion anymore, as well as the drive to exercise to help compensate for what you were feeling. Pushing yourself and keeping your mind occupied. I did the same. Anxiety gave me a great extra push to go much further than I would have done without it. Now I have no energy for anything. Sheer stubborn will-power gets me going (and kids to get on the bus).

As far as the sudden lack of emotion, yes, it does give your mind a rest, but you might want to look up some threads on dissociation. I've experienced that too and at one point a year or so ago, learned the "art" of dissociation. All normal in PTSD.

Don't know if that helps or not. Keep posting. One very important element is to keep yourself surrounded with support. You may or may not have anyone at the moment with whom you feel safe with, but here, we speak the same lingo. I found that to be a huge relief.

 

[Jadie Rose]

Don't be sorry @Jadie Rose . You have NOTHING to be sorry about or ashamed of. May...

You're awesome, thank you for all that!! You made me think and today I realize I don't even know what ADHD truly even is LOL. It's just how I could describe how I was feeling at that time and even though I do not know what ADHD really is defined as, I was picturing my sister and one of my ex boyfriends when trying to explain. I've been looking up posts on dissociation, as I never really even understood what that was. I am trying to better understand it.

Thank you, as always, for the information. I do love this site, it is so comforting to know others experience similar things (otherwise, it's really very lonely out there)!

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I'm really glad you feel some benefits to being here. ADHD certainly has an element of hyper activity in it, but so does the need to occupy your mind and refocus on other things.

I think you're pretty awesome yourself ;)

 

[Jadie Rose]

As far as the sudden lack of emotion, yes, it does give your mind a rest, but you might want to look up some threads on dissociation. I've experienced that too and at one point a year or so ago, learned the "art" of dissociation. All normal in PTSD.

stp2012 THANK YOU for the suggestion about learning more about dissociation!!! I never understood what anyone meant by that. Doc has confirmed PTSD but now I remember (sessions always make better sense after have many days to think, plus you helping open my eyes) re: other stuff yet. Since I did not understand what losing memory/chunks of time nor understand why I felt like I was in there sometimes, but not (while something else was controlling me)...they are being really slow at opening my eyes on my own, as he mentioned there may be other things going on, now I understand a bit more! Had no idea what half of what said meant - Wow, this is all so complicated. Got scared again for hours realizing I'm losing memory because just a lot to absorb all at once and make sense of, recognizing others have gone through this really helps a lot (but is still scary)!

I noticed my typing errors A LOT lately, after posting or writing docs all my emails with questions - I was an editor of different school papers and in spelling bee and pet peeve has always to be spelling and grammatically correct...now I cannot even notice that kind of detail because I get lost and cannot pay attention to any detail anymore. I wonder how many different me's there are inside?! I can't even tell...no wonder I cannot breathe any of this stuff out anymore...OMG I'm not crazy, I'm finding out very slowly (may change in a few hours). Did anyone else feel scared noticing this disorder/becoming aware?