Can Anyone Talk About Any Compulsion To Ever Deliberately Hurt Yourself, And Yet You Got Through It

[Tinyflame]

Yes hope, YOU are worth it and so are the people who love you (That includes US)

xoxoxox

 

[goingonhope]

Alright dharmabum, I didn't do it. Thank you, for responding to my PM. It was a thought, and an option that though it seemed extreme, also seemed like some kind of a solution to temporarily resolve a great deal of physical pain, as well as stress on my body, while perhaps also inducing some rest and sleep.

You mentioned the word suffering. Emotionally and psychologically, somehow I've ended up surviving, but when that physical stuff came on as well in the degree that it did, it was not only very painful, but even more frightening, creating more panic. Though it was helpful that it somewhat pushed aside my compulsion to harm myself, what was happening was all way too painful and scary. I didn't know what to do but to think up some possible way to relieve the physical pain, as well as, take a break from the other.

But after waking my husband, he didn't think much of the idea and knew me driving to my mother's place was a pretty poor idea.

 

[goingonhope]

It is a matter of deciding that you have to reach out and not give a shit

I'm stuck not knowing how this is accomplished!

And, it makes me feel horribly inept and relive great weakness among feeling other extremely painful things to not begin to know how to put into action this suggestion, and/or to have done so (do so) and succeed (ed), as well as, fail (ed).

I imagine it saves peoples lives and helps settle or decrease a tremendous amount of additional sufferings for some, but still I'm at a total loss of the skill and where-with-all of just how to do this and why.

There's no hope in taking the chance to call a therapist, because all I'd ever get is an answering machine and then this would heighten greater emotional conflict within me as I relive my traumas of both being totally neglected while in personal crisis, as well as reliving repeated memories of having searched to no avail for help and coming up with the same old, same old responses, which though varied responses, all still resulting in the final conclusions of:

• Sorry, there is no help here, go there for help.

• I'd like to help you, but sorry, you don't have the proper insurance.

• Sorry, but you don't meet the requirements for receiving help here, but maybe.........(next month, or 3 to 6 mo.'s from now something will open up for you over there).

• No answer. bzzzzzzzzzz

• Well, ...(followed by a big sigh of frustration)... I was (emphasis on) sleeping but I can talk to you for a couple minutes.

• ...after about 1 sentence out of my mouth, Oh ya' I know. And, did you hear that my computer broke down, and a certain telemarketer keeps calling my number and I have a bit of congestion in my nose, and a so and so is expecting me to be responsible for something I am responsible for - can you believe this sh't, the nerve of that one.

•


(got to run out the door)

 

[Jade-]

I'm having such a hard time myself right now that I don't know how to be of help to you. All I can do is offer ((((hugs))))

 

[goingonhope]

Everyone here is helpful and you too Jadebear. Hugs help me.


......as opposed to the possibility of shame, destructive criticisms, self-righteousness followed by closeminded moral judgements passed upon me and rejection, bad names, slaps, intolerance, imposed additional shame and guilt from another's contempt and/or clear indifference, mean spirited ignorances, and even chuckles and laughs; These things hurt!.....

Hugs help me, too! Thank you, Jadebear.

 

[cherryblossom]

The most important things are to keep yourself safe, try to keep yourself safe, and do whatever you need to, to keep yourself safe. No matter what others may think or say. You deserve to live. If that means you go to the ER, so what - you kept yourself safe. If that means you phone a crisis line, so what - you kept yourself safe. There is absolutely no point in saving face if you wind up dead or disabled due to self harm. That's the reality. That could happen.

Yes, other people's inability to understand hurts but it causes more hurt to die. Sometime you have to swallow your pride, and just look after number one. Those who actually care about you, will not think less of you, they will be proud of you, for looking after yourself.

 

[James B.]

Wishing you much strength, goingonhope. You are in my thoughts.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Hope,

I caught this thread late and I really hope you are doing better. It is hard to make decisions when you are in spiritual, emotional and physical pain. It is worse when you feel that you are alone.

However, you are not alone as there are so many here who are legitimately concerned. If you need medical treatment seek it or if you need that human touch, can you reach out to your husband or a friend? Sometimes just being held, without saying anything, is so healing.

Please let us know how you are doing.

Here are a few more (((((hugs)))))!

 

[curiouser]

I hope you're ok and that things improve soon for you, please take good care of yourself.

 

[just me here]

I have thought about the reality of commiting suicide many times, and obviously, I haven't yet. Here is something I realised about myself, it might not apply to you at all but it works for me. The thoughts run something like this:

Everytime I think about self destruction I am able to think of reasons not to do it. There are no exceptions to this fact, I have thought about it a million times, I have done it zero times. I am going to say that if I think about it a million more times, I will probably score another big zero on the attempt record. Thats a pretty good bet.

What is unknown to me is what happens when the act makes so much sense that it is as involuntary as breathing? What if I am so done here on this planet that making the exit is as thoughtless an act as throwing away food that has gone bad in the fridge? What if it gets to a point that killing myself is truly a better reality for the people that I would be hurting if I did it right now? I have 3 kids, they would suffer. What about when they are married and moved and doing it all on their own? I would hurt my parents, whats it going to be like after they are dead and gone? My wife would suffer horribly if i did it right now, but what if she goes first, or if my continued existance would mean financial disaster for her if I end up requiring huge amounts of medical care?

In those situations and a dozen more, the thought process is not really there, because doing it would seem to be so right I wouldn't take any time to think about it.

It might seem warped and hard to understand, but I really do beleive that thinking about it is the barrier that keeps it from being a reality. i am pretty sure that when it happens it will be so easy I won't even have to think about it, cause if I do have to think about it, based on right around 35 years of thinking about it, it aint gonna happen.

By the way, I am not a religious man, I don't beleive I will go to hell or anyplace else in an afterlife any more than I think 12 volts or 55 miles an hour continue to happen after the car wreck. Our bodies are the support system for a very amazing brain, yes, but I have no evidence to convince me that there is anything like what people call a soul that goes on after the body stops supporting the brain. Over is Over, dead people are memories in someone elses brain and nothing else.

Quoting Kurt Vonegut, probably incorrectly: "The dead know nothing except one truth, that it is better to be alive."

 

[goingonhope]

Michel and ITL, I am doing better. Last night I finally was able to think clear enough to force myself to take Ibuprofen, and small amounts of Remeron and Abilify; I woke up at Noon today and last nights medicine so far is helping me still.

This thread and all the help and support is also helping me a great deal and I have been able today to understand more, and reflect and learn.

Justmehere, reading your post gave me the shivers first time around, the next read of it will go better for me without shivers. I do appreciate and Thank you for your experience and comments.

 

[goingonhope]

Collective Suggestions, Wisdom & Experience, (part 1)

I have been able today to understand more, and reflect and learn.

(I certainly am going to be reading this thread as well as positively washing and likely re-washing my brain with all comments, so I've written it in such a way as to highlight combined suggestions, wisdom and experience of forum members and for all of us.

This 'I Can' / 'I Will' list is here for everyone of us who needs, reads and puts such suggestions into action, and in spite of anything.) Thank you for sharing directions and wisdom and experience to release destructive compulsions, as well as isolation.


I Can Decide I have to reach out, and not give a shit what another may think.

I Can Ask for help.

I Can Talk to someone.

I Can Refocus enough to distract myself until my feelings pass.

I Can Ride it out and wait for the compulsion to pass.

I Can Seek help, perhaps on an outpatient basis.

If desperate, I Can Be willing to write here and get some stuff out, and even while psychotic, provided I still keep the rules of the forum. (smiles)

I Can Read other's psychotic posts (lol) here within the forum and identify, while observing that I'm not alone. (smiles)

I Can Be willing to, in the future, come back and reread what I've written, and acknowledge and retain my improvements.

I Can Remember all improvements are something to acknowledge and be grateful for them. As some things are resolved there are those improvements which permits me to perhaps never have to go there again; They are no longer a problem, I can be grateful for this.

I Will Remember my progress, and resolve to act upon what I've learned from my experience, as well as from my experience of suffering.

I Can Practice acceptance of my feelings, myself and what I must deal with.

For some folks, ....We Can Remember, we've gone through this before and we will likely go through this again, all suffering and turmoil which can be gotten through.

If ever, I so badly want and am craving to fulfill a destructive compulsion, if I Ask for and accept help, I'm less likely to follow thru.

I Can Remember asking for help is an option.

If I can't help myself, I Can allow another to help me. If I'm seeking control over exactly when, where and whom will help me I am quite possibly neglecting personal responsibility. As long as another or they're safe and can help some, I can let another help me.