General Can Combat Ptsd Be Triggered By An Argument???

[I'll make tea]

Really? You always agree with people even if you don't agree? Why? Do you think they do not like you anymore if you don't?

 

[scout86]

No,no, no, no, no.

When someone is expressing their opinion to me, I have been TAUGHT that the appropriate thing to do is toss out things like "Yes", "I see" etc during their pauses. To let them know that I'm "hearing" them and that I respect them enough to acknowledge their opinion. Then, AFTER they have said what ever it is they are saying, I will give my point of view. Now., in the case of someone who seems not to respond to me the same way, I might actually say something like "Can I say something now?"

I THINK what you have here is 2 very different ways of sharing information.

 

[I'll make tea]

You mant to say that I should tell my husband "Yes!", "Yes", YES!" to help him feel more respected during a discussion?

 

[scout86]

No, what I meant was, HE is saying "yes" to YOU, while you are expressing your views, its because he is trying to be encouraging and show his respect for you NOT because he agrees with you. If you responded to HIM by listening and acknowledging, in a similar way, that you are actually HEARING what he's saying and respect him and his opinions (rather that doing something like thinking about what YOU want to say next) then he probably wouldn't feel he has to ask if he can "have his say now".

Ask him why he says "yes" when he does and listen to what he says.

 

[scout86]

BTW, all those "no's" was actually just "me" being frustrated with my inability to explain myself.

 

[I'll make tea]

I do respect my husbands opinion.

I asked him why he said "Yes", he said it was because he agrees but later it turned out he did not agree at all. Perhaps wants to be non confrontational.

So what do you suggest me to do during a discussion?

 

[scout86]

OK, then I'm wrong, or rather, it means something different when he says it.

 

[Lucycat]

You never see my husbands emotions, because he has a pokerface

Sometimes I "caught" my hubby crying and he "send me away".

These two sentences are incompatible

I did, I told him I let him talk, he just needs to tell me how he thinks and he said "Okay. Great"

I am sorry but saying you 'let' him talk would rile me. Why does he need, or think he needs your permission?
As for saying that he 'needs' to tell you how he thinks - well no he doesn't. It is you that needs/wants him to do that.

When it comes to confrontation - I don't do it. I avoid like many others here say. I don't do anger, but after 4 years of therapy I am starting to feel and acknowledge other emotions. I don't think anger serves any useful purpose so I am not concerned by my lack of it.

 

[Gingerly]

@I'll make tea, My ex-BF Sufferer did not like confrontation either. He too is a Vet and I have my suspicions about him being abused prior to that. We didn't have a real argument for the 4 years we were together. At that time I was unaware of what I said that triggered him, but it was too late. He said he couldn't be involved with me any longer knowing that it might happen again. He wasn't even willing to talk it over and try to move forward.

 

[StarChild]

"Yes", "I see", "Yes", "I see your point" and only much later he said "Please let me say something. May I suggest I do it?"...

First, these are two totally different things; To say, "Yes I do see your point" means simply, that he understands your reasons. To understand someone's reasons doesn't automatically mean, he agrees with you. In short: To understand and to agree are two totally different things.

My husband wanted to do it himself and I was opposed to it, because it is too dangerous to my mind and calling a roofer is not that expensive

To tell a man, he shouldn't do something just because you think it's to dangerous from him to do, can give him the impression, that you don't think he is able to do it. In other words, you think, he is unable to do such things himself. And this isn't a good feeling for a man if his wife / girlfriend talks or acts this way towards him.

I do not understand it, because why always agree first and say "Yes" and "I agree" if he does not agree at all and I never said he was not allowed to say or suggest something?

Once again, to see someone's points, and to agree with them, isn't the same. To explain or to count all reasons to a man, about why you don't think he should do something, is in most cases quite demoralizing for a man to hear. And chances are, he feels patronized or even emasculated by your reasoning. Because he wants you to trust in him and his ability's. And maybe you should remember and acknowledge, that he had handled his life self-contained before he met you....

Did you ever read the book: Men are from Mars Women are from Venus by John Gray - It's really a great book to learn about the difference in thinking, feeling and acting and how we can gain a better understanding for each other. It's also a good workbook for a couple.

 

[Justmehere]

I think he feels like it but I am not being confrontonial. I do not know what to do.

My husband thinks we agrue a lot when I think we don't. He does not like it when people have different opinions on anything - for example a music, a book, a political party - and either agrees with me tries to recruit me to his point.
I can only explain it like this: He seems to think that there is a right and a wrong opinion and if one of us is right that other must be tragically wrong.

Sounds like he thinks in very black and white terms. That's common in PTSD. It can also be a part of PTSD that anything that feels like disagreement feels so scary. I have a family member that acts in a way that sounds very similar. What I learned to do is to try to make it safe to disagree about very inconsequential things... and in time build up to the bigger things that actually matter. I have also tried to ask, what would make it feel easier for you to express disagreement in the moment? I didn't like the answers my family member gave to that, but I try to remember disagreement meant danger and sometimes it can take awhile to really know that disagreement can be safe and ok. I too feel like I am being accommodating and not confrontational, and yet from my own experience with PTSD... I know that even kind comments can feel threatening.

It helped a little to take this approach where I invite disagreement over thins I don't care about to build up to things that I do. I would even say things like I'm trying to consider other viewpoints, can you help me by role playing someone who disagrees and believes something else? And I mentioned this about why turkey sandwiches are better than beef. My family member totally took on that role playing. It helped both of us.

When I tried to be more direct to say, hey, please tell me this in the moment, please tell me what you disagree with - my family member would agree but in that way of false agreement... It is frustrating and difficult for sure!

He is responsible for his behavior and learning how to be honest and more direct and to handle disagreement more effectively... but things you do can help, and I so hear that you are trying so hard.

I do believe you are likely not being confrontational and handling this well- but for someone with PTSD, sometimes it is less about what is right and what should typically work, and more about what is effective in helping behavioral change happen.

There has been some improvement with my own family member but it is tough. I don't have any real answers but my heart goes out to you both.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I think he feels like it but I am not being confrontonial. I do not know what to do.

@I'll make tea, sometimes you just have to pick your battles.

My vet will sometimes mistake my "passion" for "confrontation" when I am making a point or stating my opinion, just because I am a passionate person. This is especially true over things that we have differing views on, like politics (he is conservative and I and a bleeding heart liberal... which makes for some interesting dinner conversation at times). I have had to learn to judge his mood and "stress cup" levels before discussing these things with him. In the grand scheme of things, are my complaints about the sorry state of women's healthcare legislation worth dealing with a meltdown? Nope, they sure aren't. When he is in a foul mood and ranting about Obamacare, is it worth me adding my 2 cents and starting an argument? Nope. I can save the philosophical debates for when he is relaxed and in a good mood. I don't consider this any kind of sacrifice of my own identity or ideal, I consider this a way to save my sanity. Do I want to be "right" and have a knock-down-drag out to prove it? Or do I want to just let it go, and have peace in my house?

I still have my ideals and views, and I know that he respects my intelligence. He just can't deal with heated discussions sometimes.

As far as every day arguments about household things, learning to communicate better helps a lot. There is a great book geared for supporters called "The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship: How to Support Your Partner and Keep Your Relationship Healthy" by Diane England, and it has a whole section on communication and conflict resolution.

I can understand where you are coming from though. It is very frustrating when you want to feel like your opinions and views aren't being listened to and respected. I have really had to work on my communication skills too.

 

[I'll make tea]

Thank you, guys!

Lucycat, let me explain it better. You rarely see my hubbies emotions. Never was an overstatement... and when he needs to cry he does not want me to see it / "hides" / sends me away.

Gingerly, was there something you did to resolve the problem.

Lullaby, will read the book.

Justmehere, thanks for sharing your story!

Sweetpea, you sound like a great spouse, putting your Vet's wellbeing first. He is a lucky man.