Can i ask my therapist and how?

[Friday]

What do you mean by how she wears her rings @Katiesue ?

Clearly not Katie ;) aka correct me if I’m wrong ...But, since I suspect I know the answer... in certain parts of the country -especially where being out isn’t always safe- there are still subtle dress cues that people in the LGBTQxyz community use to be recognised by each other. Like wearing multiple rings on certain fingers, or certain designs. In a FEW places there’s actually code in use, also, indicating relationship status &/or community alliance. Like how claddagh rings mean different things depending on which finger they’re worn on, and which way the heart is facing. Even in places where being out is totally cool, individuals who have lived through times where it’s not, still often use old-school ID markers. As a remembrance, or show of solidarity with those still at risk, or force of long habit.

 

[barefoot]

This gives me an idea maybe i can ask her why her reason why she's felt alone?

Leaving aside the issue your therapist’s sexuality for a second, this is where I see you nudging boundaries. Because asking questions about her feelings and about what’s going on for her in her private life to create those feelings seems like quite a big switch of focus and emphasis to her when this time should be focused on you.

I’m not at all trying to make you wrong for being curious and for caring about her. And you can, of course, ask her whatever you like and it’s up to her whether/how she chooses to answer.

If you went ahead and started digging around in why she is feeling alone/lonely right now, I think I would expect her to wave the question away or to give a very brief, light explanation eg “oh, my room mate’s away and I’m not used to having the place to myself but it’s fine” - smile, move on. Because a client’s therapy session isn’t really a place for a therapist to get into their own emotional life.

For me, it’s about this:

But, I would never get into heavy conversations about her emotions

Like @Stephernovas I really like my therapist. We get along, we have a lot of laughs and banter. I most definitely care about her. And I know some things about her and her personal life. We quite often have a few minutes chatting before and after sessions where we both share things about what we’re up to that week or what’s going on in the world or whatever. But we don’t get into big discussions about her emotions relating to her life and relationships etc because that’s just not what the space is for and because she has other people in her life to have those conversations with.

Therapists have their own boundaries and one therapist’s boundaries may differ greatly from another’s. For me, the key thing is that self-disclosures should be because they are in some way in service to the client and their work. If they are not truly in service to the client, they don’t really belong in the space.

So, with your wanting to ask her why she felt alone, it might be worth pondering whether/how/if her answering that question is in service to you.

I am afraid I'll start to care too much and then therapy has ended and we never talk anymore.

I wonder whether this is really at the heart of this thread? Perhaps this would be a good place to start with your therapist - sharing this fear with her?

 

[Stephernovas]

Isn’t it the therapists job to look after themselves though? I don’t necessarily see it as a boundary viol...

It is, and if you review my post that is exactly what I suggested. Given this entire thread and comments made, I have observed a desire of the OP trying to find a way to push the boundaries and make a deeper connection with the therapist than the appropriate “client and therapist” relationship. This is why I wrote “I hope your therapist safely sets boundaries with you”. The OP has also identified that she finds herself caring too much and unsure of how to create a boundary in this type of situation. Furthermore, she mentioned her therapist commented to her that she felt (or maybe feels? - I can’t remember what tense was used) alone. Perhaps it was simply the way the OP described the situation, but red boundary flags went up for me. I’m sure some of us have realized, a therapist will only disclose personal information about themselves if they have deemed it to have a therapeutic purpose in session with the client. Anything outside of that is violating boundaries. So again, I hope that the therapist is calculated in the disclosure within this particular case, as it appears the OP struggles in this area. To clarify, is 100% the therapist’s ability to take care of themselves, but wheb the amount of disclosure has me concerned...well, hopefully you get the idea. Given the way this situation was described, this ckuld go one of two ways - my hope is that she has a good therapist and she will take care of herself and set those boundaries.

And lastly, no. I don’t find curiosity to be bad, which is why I originally offered a suggestion of how she could kindly present her questions to the therapist without blatantly crossing a boundary. The OP then took it too far (boundary wise) and started talking about wanting to care for her therapists emotions and etc. That is where her “curiosity” neededs to stop. And since this is a forum of a support group for people with PTSD, and she opened this conversation, I informed her of my thoughts.

Anyways, it’s like 6:30am here and apparently I just started ranting my explanation away. I hope it makes sense. I tried to be as clear and concise as I could while half asleep. Enjoy your day.

 

[SinkorSwim]

Thank you all for your opinions. I'm truly confused as to what I should feel about this situation and will explore this more on my own.