[DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/notsowild.22986/"]@Notsowild[/DLMURL]
What isn't hard at first?! Exercising, riding a bike? Everything!
In fact, it's usually a pretty reliable sign that, if it's not hard...you're not doing it right! Sometimes I think there's no worse upshot of westernized culture, advertisement driven consumerism than assigning a value of "evil" to anything "hard"! Anything worth doing is hard!
But seriously, it does tend to be one of those "it gets worse before it gets better" kinds of things. If you think about it, those of us with histories of trauma have a lot of thoughts and feelings we've been trying to shut out in order to function--ie "numbing"--often for as long as we can remember. It can be as difficult to learn to let them wash over you and simply choose not to "invest in them", ie react to them...as it would be to train yourself to reach confidently towards a hot stove, for example, or run toward an explosion.
But the point, I've found, is that until I learned to do so...to just allow them, and not hold on to them, so to speak...my fear driven avoidance of them just made them build up, and worse, take on more power as something that controlled/controls me..as well as lessen my sense of my own competence and adequacy, as someone, instead, who "couldn't handle it", and therefore had to "stay on the run". Make sense? Hope so.
I'm by no means a "guru" type of any sort. I'm just much better off for the practice than I used to be, and am able to "switch into that mode" more now, reflexively, after having "found that groove" out of practice in developing it. It's simply finding/creating a calm in the storm...eking out a "safe place" in the midst of the swirling chaos inside. And as with all else, once you've established a foothold, "found that groove", you can expand on it...just as with finding the "line of balance" when learning to ride a bike-or justlearning to walk as a child--after a while, it sort of expands, and opens up, to seem so much larger that you inhabit it without conscious effort, by "feel", alone.
I have an advantage in that I began "listening practice" (as it's referred to in zazen) at around age 13. But later trauma would make it all but impossible...not even conceivable, for around 20 years. But luckily I have that memory of being able to create that "safe place" that I can return to. Even if I have to learn to ride that bike again, I at least have the confidence that it's possible, from personal experience.
Most recommend "breath centered" meditation, at first. In other words, just focusing on breathing in and out, and whenever your thoughts stray to anything else, simply recognize that they have strayed, and bring your attention back to your breath. It's also important that your spine be erect, and that the environment is quiet and free from distractions (at least at first). There are many online resources that offer guidance on different methods/approaches.
Meditation/mindfulness is not associated with any one religion, either, contrary to popular belief. For example, the Essenes, and early sect of Christianity, performed what was referred to as "centrist" meditation--in which they did the same thing, but focused on the various Hebrew names of God, instead of breath. Which is also similar to other forms of Eastern meditation, which use what are referred to as "mantras" as the source of focus...just sounds that evoke a personal meaning for the individual, or words like "light", for example, as a means of inspiring the sense that the individual would like to bring to the experience.
If at first you feel overwhelmed---have an anxiety attack, flashbacks, etc., then I'd advise consulting a therapist specializing in trauma before continuing. But it was important for me to realize that what felt overwhelming, at first, could be worked through, if I just "sat with it", (literally)., and allowed the feelings to subside. And finding that I had that power over them, after all, was the first cornerstone to progress.
Feel free to PM, and be well.
