Can love be a trigger?

[FlyingHigh]

I was in a very toxic and abusive relationship with my ex partner for 5 years. I barely remember anything about the relationship. All I remember is a whole lot of vivid, broken memories of violence and abuse.

I have recently started dating a wonderful man after 5 years of not being interested in dating anyone. I'm so scared of falling in love again, that I put all these walls up around my heart to shut him out.
The last time I told a man I loved him (which was my abusive ex of 5 years) I got punched in the stomach 3 times. After the third punch I blacked out and hit my head against the concrete pavement.

Now this man I have been dating is wonderful. With PTSD, I feel like I can't cope. He does and says things that trigger me but most of all, above all... being in love again is the biggest trigger. My thoughts of being hurt, abused, hit, knocked around and heartbroken all over again scare me so much I just want to run away. But I dont. I just build walls around my heart so he can't get in and its ruining my chances of having a happy, successful relationship with him.

Does anyone else experience "love" as a trigger or is it just me?

 

[EveHarrington]

It sounds like love was definitely a factor in your trauma so I can see why it is a trigger now. I don't think you are alone in this regard.

Are you in therapy now? Or do you have the option of seeking therapy? :hug:

 

[Sideways]

Credit where it's due, hey? First, you could have isolated, and decided never to risk a relationship again. But you're giving it a go. Awesome! Second, when it did become serious, you could've run. You didn't. Super awesome!

It makes perfect sense to me that you'd wanna be extra careful. The walls you're putting up? As long as you can recognise you're doing it, you're already half way there to breaking them down. And there's no need to rush.

Emotions and relationships can both be triggers. Emotional relationships? Even more so. But you're actually doing great. For what you've come through, to be rebuilding like this? It's fantastic, it really is. So don't give up:)

 

[shimmerz]

As I understand it, any strong emotion can send people with PTSD into deep space nine. That's why numbness is so attractive....

 

[FlyingHigh]

Thanks so much for your replies.
I knew going into "deep space nine" or "spacing out" was a symptom of PTSD but never realised that strong emotions caused this. Now I think about it, thats exactly what happens.

Ragdoll, thank you so much for your encouragement. It was only yesterday that I realised I had walls up when my partner said to me "you won't give me a go and trust me". Its just very hard to trust anyone after a lifetime of abuse, since I was a tiny child. Its a struggle to learn to live a life free from violence and abuse. Thanks again for your supportive comments.

 

[EveHarrington]

Thanks so much for your replies.
I knew going into "deep space nine" or "spacing out" was a symptom...

Yep! It's ALWAYS strong emotions that cause my numbness!

 

[Sideways]

It was only yesterday that I realised I had walls up when my partner said to me "you won't give me a go and trust me"

I really (like, reeeeally) like it when people come here with stories about supporters and loved ones that actually try and communicate feelings! He sounds like he might be worth a go:)

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable isn't going to be easy. Which is probably putting it mildly. But if you think that he's worth it? Start small, dip your toe in and see how it goes.

Ptsd is our brain's well-intentioned but extremely dysfunctional way of trying to protect us. So, "Thanks Brain for looking out for me, but I think I wanna take some risks with this guy."

And if you're feeling like communication is going well? Maybe thank him for saying what he did (because it sounds like it was a bit of a lightbulb moment for you) and encourage him to speak up when he feels like maybe your walls are going up, because it will give you the chance to have a think about whether you want to let him in a bit further each time. His insight doesn't need to make your decisions for you, but it could help you make informed decisions for yourself.