Supporter Can Ptsd Cause Infidelity?

[KwanYingirl]

Once a cheater, always a cheater.unless he joins a twelve step program for sex addicts. Sorry to be so blunt.

 

[kizzy-love]

Thanks everyone...
I'm not blind to the fact that it could be complete BS but I'm just not ruling out PTSD as a possible cause of the feelings he's having if that was in fact his motive. Learning his triggers has helped, defusing a situation before it escalates has been working. My thought process is giving it my all and getting him to accept treatment so he can function with me or without me. I worry about him everyday I don't know how he makes it safely back and forth to work. He is constantly hurting himself at work "zoning" out while operating machinery. I'm just more focused on keeping him safe and sane then I am about what happened... except I don't feel like I'm dealing with it to actually start healing and I'm afraid that's gonna bite me!
PS I don't believe that "once a cheaper is always cheaper" I've had my share in the past and don't have a problem with being faithful.

 

[illusionist]

well I found myself in a marriage where I stopped loving the person and sex stopped. I would be classed as 'highly sexed' and certainly thrive on emotional attachment but my morals to both myself and him kept me from straying. I had friends for the emotional needs and old Rodger to take care of the other. I certainly do believe that if someone has done it once, they will do it again......had too many conversations with people to know this.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think what many are trying to say is that PTSD does not "MAKE" us cheat. PTSD may CAUSE us to have horrible feelings that we then CHOOSE to act on, and it is at this point that someone can actively decide to cheat.

"Cheating" is not a symptom of PTSD. Its not in the diagnostic criteria. Cheating lies outside of the realm of "things which we cannot or have difficulty controlling". Things which we cannot control easily are more along the lines of flashbacks, hypervigilance, etc. These symptoms literally hijack our systems and won't let go. We can take measures to get better, but all in all, we can't really control them. That is, we don't make decisions as to have a flashback or not, we don't make decisions as to be hypervigilant or not. One does, however, make the choice to cheat. Can you see the difference?

 

[kizzy-love]

@Solara I definitely see the difference... but I really don't believe he can differentiate that. He's been having nightmares for at least 15 years suffering abuse that landed him in group homes, and foster care then goes through Chemo then joins the army...was a formula for disaster. NO ONE has cared enough to help him. He keeps convincing himself that he has control but he doesn't! He has never been in therapy, never took any meds, never had any time of treatment whatsoever. The symptoms are there... the nightmares, the sweats, the flashbacks, the smallest triggers, of sound or smell. Has horrible anxiety and constantly on mission mode...and the list goes on..and on!!! Horrible memory loss which I can now figure out if he's going to remember based on his mood and the look in his eyes. Considering how bad I think it is... I think he functions "ok". There is however a risk of car and work accidents, hurting someone or himself. The infidelity aside I honestly don't think he has a grasp on it. his thought process is so off at times it leaves me speechless!! I do need to work on healing from his disloyalty for sure but I won't forgive myself if I let him live through it alone. I don't want to completely dismiss the situation, it's just really rough bc I feel like I can't be angry right now bc it makes him really sad, he recognizes he hurt me and after the incident it took him DAYS to snap out of it... I had to get over it quick to bring him back ... does that makes any sense?!

 

[Sighs]

I guess the issue is whether you are prepared to put up with the behaviour.

My combat PTSD partner can get VERY angry VERY quickly and he will vent on me. @FridayJones explained to me that its a bit like vomiting. He doesn't mean to vomit his hate all over me, but it has to come out and I happen to be standing there. Like vomit hate is acidic and it burns me. BUT if I go on and on about how upset I am that he said something nasty, called me a name, swore at me, threw something etc then he feels so bad about being a horrible person that he wants to die. So I've learnt to hide my tears, swallow the hurt and move on. However, I personally have a boundary which I have clearly expressed to him. If in his rage he physically hits me I will leave the relationship. He knows that. Does it help to contain his rage? I have no idea. Its not for him. He's an adult and has to set his own boundaries.

So... where is your boundary? Are you unhappy about but prepared to accept him sexting but not actually meeting up with other women? Or are you prepared to deal with physical infidelity? (There is no "right" answer - this is your life and its your choice!) Once you have figured out where your boundary is then in fairness you should clearly express it to him so that he is aware of it. Bear in mind that the boundary is YOURS not his. (So, not "if you have sex with another woman I will leave you" which sounds like a threat or an ultimatum, but "I would have to leave this relationship if you were to have sex with another woman because I would no longer feel there was sufficient trust to continue it".

Having made him aware of your boundary, your responsibility ends. He is responsible for his own actions and choices.

 

[Sweetpea76]

it's just really rough bc I feel like I can't be angry right now bc it makes him really sad, he recognizes he hurt me and after the incident it took him DAYS to snap out of it... I had to get over it quick to bring him back ... does that makes any sense?!

You have every right to be angry. He was sexting other multiple other women, lying, and hiding things from you. When you found out he said it was because *You don't act like you want me*, essentially making excuses and trying to shift the blame to you. He can grasp what he did was shady, or he wouldn't have hidden it. That's a bullshit thing to do to somebody you love.

You are not responsible for his meltdowns or reactions. What is he melting down about? That you caught him being inappropriate with other women? How is that your fault in the least bit, or your responsibility to "bring him back?"

I'm not trying to be harsh, I just hate to see supporters on here excusing unacceptable behavior as a PTSD symptom. You will end up being a doormat. He will repeat the behavior if you excuse it. You will be miserable. PTSD relationships are difficult enough as it is without infidelity in the mix.

I'm a supporter too, and I understand the knee-jerk response to label every thing a symptom and worry constantly about our sufferers. You cannot do it to the expense of your own well being though. Who is going to take care of you? You have every right to set your boundaries. Cheating, be it emotional or physical, is unacceptable. His condition does not invalidate your emotion or needs.

My sufferer has PTSD and head injuries from combat that effect his cognition. He can comprehend right from wrong. Not even at his lowest has he ever cheated on me... never ever.

 

[Queen Boudica]

The infidelity aside I honestly don't think he has a grasp on it. his thought process is so off at times it leaves me speechless!! I do need to work on healing from his disloyalty for sure but I won't forgive myself if I let him live through it alone. I don't want to completely dismiss the situation, it's just really rough bc I feel like I can't be angry right now bc it makes him really sad, he recognizes he hurt me and after the incident it took him DAYS to snap out of it... I had to get over it quick to bring him back ... does that makes any sense

No personally I don't think it does. You are telling us that because this guy has PTSD he is not responsible for his own emotions but you are. You are treating this guy like he is totally not responsible and you are like he is a baby. He will never heal. You are facilitating his shit behaviour. I had an abusive childhood, and marriage and a whole load of other crap. I take responsibility for my actions and am not going to put the burden on someone else for my behaviour. He needs to get therapy.

You don't need to work on healing from his disloyalty, he needs to get therapy and help. You are just facilitating his bad behaviour. You have to snap out of it because he gets sad. That is just facilitating his behaviour.

 

[shimmerz]

Many of us with PTSD also have attachment disorders. You might want to look into that. idk - just a thought.

However, let's talk about choices. For whatever reason his choice is to hurt others (you and the children) due to his behaviour. He has been presented with an option to perhaps stop that behaviour through therapy. He chooses not to. His need to cheat and hurt others supersedes his need to be responsible. You may be seeing this right now only in his sex life but I can guarantee you that if you open your eyes wide enough you will see that this trend will cross into other areas of your relationship. This isn't really about the cheating itself imho. It is about his inability to take responsibility for the pain he is causing.

 

[haltija]

I had an affair when I was in my early 20's. He was also military and we were also newlyweds. He had been cheating on me with another couple, so they said and he admitted to, partly. It was unhealthy. He admitted to cheating again. I don't believe that someone would cheat solely due to PTSD.

In all honesty, I don't believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater." In my current relationship, I've been in for a few years, I would never even bat an eye in the other direction... and I don't! But also older and wiser and I care very deeply for my current partner.

Having said that, I can see someone being emotionally confused and acting out in affair, but that isn't an excuse. There isn't an excuse for it and there's no excuse in what I had done. But to cheat multiple times? In multiple relationships? Run.

If I understand that correctly, maybe consider whether this man's heart is actually in the right place. He does not sound committed. In my previous marriage, I didn't know that I was being married partly for the extra money and the benefits from the military. I would hate to throw that out there, but from the sounds of it, I would like to encourage you to consider the possibility that his intentions are not entirely pure.

Really look into this with open eyes, as it is very serious. I hate to say this as well, but the some of the most passionately dramatic people can also be the most dangerous, cunning, manipulative and well practiced liars, cheaters, and that's something to be aware of, because for lack of a better term, I'm sorry, that is simply bullshit and he is wasting your time, if that is the case.

Don't be afraid to leave.They have services to help spouses. Usually, someone from the Family Readiness Group is willing to help.

Note: My choices were NOT caused by PTSD. They were my choices. They were selfish choices. He was abusive, but they were my choices.

 

[kizzy-love]

@Sweetpea76 @shimmerz I think that most of you have this idea that he sees this weak person with no pride...everything I have shared thus far is all internal. The person he sees is strong and wont take any ish from anyone. he knows there are boundaries, he knows that I can and will leave if he crosses the line next time. what I am sharing is my inside true feelings which I cant allow myself to share with him, so he doesn’t and never feels as if I am a doormat. As I stated before he seems to be trying, checking in, calling a lot more often, shared all his passwords and knows that if he logs in to any other app, site that is not approved by me all hell will break loose. Walking away is always an option, I am very dependent and can take care of myself. He also knows that he needs me more then I need him. However I’ve been married less then a year and giving up now is very weak on my part. Marriages aren’t all peaches and cream…mine is definitely not a normal marriage with normal problems, so it takes a little more patience, and dedication to make it work!! I married him knowing that he has PTSD, I vowed to be there for him no matter what and to only part ways if death or adultery occurs. He is however walking on a thin line and I need help to pull through. A way to find clarity and peace, I’m not unhappy I am focused! I’m not living on the clouds, I am very sane, very educated, and very well aware of all the mental games one can play, .. I’m just not as well informed as I need to be and that’s why I joined!

 

[haltija]

Do what you feel is best for you but really view from a third person perspective. What you're experiencing is not uncommon in the military world. It's very common, especially for younger couples. I remember it all too well. Listen to other's opinion's from the outside, your family and friends, because they tend to be more accurate. It is easy for us to be blinded by love and depending entirely on a trust.

It might help to take a break for a few days from everything and spend a couple of days detaching yourself emotionally from the situation to gain a clearer or more logical perspective. I highly recommend it. I wish I did not wait three years to take that time.