Sexual Assault Can sexual abuse define your sexuality

[talon]

I posted a similar thread in which I questioned whether a father masturbating in front of a child was considereed sexual abuse, if there was invitation for the child to participate

I'm still trying to sort that out for myself but my follow up question is: if smth like that is your first sexual experience at age 3, can it define what turns you on? Can it make you kinky?

I ask bc I find that I I'm really turned on by the idea of older men sexually abusing and coercing little kids. I find it really disturbing that I feel this way especially bc most CSA survivors are repulsed by thoughts like that. It makes me question whether I was abused or not even more.

I often seek out men 40s 50s range, who would have sex with 16-18 year olds and like to talk to them about how they would abuse kids. We talk about scenarios of coercion where I pretend to be little and to sit on their lap while they read me a children's book at bedtime. It's a huge turn on to think about how they would sneakily try to sexuakize the innocent act of reading a book to get me to do sexual things or for them to try to touch me. I just really like to think about being younger and being abused by these men.

When I meet up with them though and put myself ina role play situation like I just described so I can experience what it feels like to be coerced, I can't go ahead with it. As soon as they want to have actual sex or touch me or get me to go down on them, I feel sadness and fear take over me like any other sexual experience and I can't proceed. Why is there such a gap between the fantasy of being abused in my head and the reality of it? Is it normal to be turned on by thoughts like this? It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me.

Even when I find decent men who just want a normal regular sexual experience, I find myself lying about my age, pretending that I'm 18 so I can create a big age difference and create the feeling of being exploited. I know they are decent men bc as soon as they hear I'm 18 the move on. I feel like I do this partly bc I'm attracted to exploitation scenarios and age play, but the other piece is that I feel ashamed at how stunted my sexuality is. I feel like my sexuality stopped at 3 years old and the max I could ever push myself to actually do is really tame foreplay. I've tried telling guys that I need to take sexual intercourse and the genitals off the table so I can feel safe sexually but most get discouraged by it and don't understand at all.

I feel like an alien. Does anyone else feel like this?

You need help as childhood is a time when we develop our sense of right and wrong and our understanding of the world . What your father did was most certainly abuse and now he has reflected this onto you. You need to talk tour a GP about this and get therapy but please don't play these games as it will end in tragedy as it is dangerous. One day it may go too far you will say no and you will be ignored. I hope this helps but please understand this was and is not your fault . These people are not your father but your father equally damaged you . I hope this helps will drop in to see if you have responded . take care of yourself please .

 

[ppippi]

You need help as childhood is a time when we develop our sense of right and wrong and our understanding of the world . What your father did was most certainly abuse and now he has reflected this onto you. You need to talk tour a GP about this and get therapy but please don't play these games as it will end in tragedy as it is dangerous. One day it may go too far you will say no and you will be ignored. I hope this helps but please understand this was and is not your fault . These people are not your father but your father equally damaged you . I hope this helps will drop in to see if you have responded . take care of yourself please .

I fail to see how talking about sex in therapy can help. It would just make me feel very awkward. I feel a therapist will just tell me what my dad did was wrong, but they won't be able to give me a good experience. I'm failing to see how therapy is helpful.

 

[somerandomguy]

I'm failing to see how therapy is helpful.

Therapists can help you identify stuck points and disordered thinking around sex, and then help you to replace the negative thinking with more realistic thinking. It's true, they can't give you a good experience, but they can help you get to a point where sex is at least an OK experience.

 

[Kubash16]

Talking about sex with a therapist can be very helpful. It’s difficult, especially if you haven’t built a good rapport. But it will only be awkward for you and only at first. Once you realize they aren’t phased and it’s okay, it will become more helpful.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I fail to see how talking about sex in therapy can help. It would just make me feel very awkward. I feel a therapist will just tell me what my dad did was wrong, but they won't be able to give me a good experience. I'm failing to see how therapy is helpful.

Oh my god! Talking about sex, masturbation, porn, fantiseies, not good sexual things I was doing, good sexual experiences, bad sexual experiences, abusive sexual experience and all of that with my therapist has been SOOOOOOOOOOOO incrediabbly helpful! I can't even describe how helpful. It was that helpful!

 

[ppippi]

Oh my god! Talking about sex, masturbation, porn, fantiseies, not good sexual things I was doing, good sexual experiences, bad sexual experiences, abusive sexual experience and all of that with my therapist has been SOOOOOOOOOOOO incrediabbly helpful! I can't even describe how helpful. It was that helpful!

why was it helpful though? what part of it? what could the therapist say as an example to make it helpful?

 

[talon]

True. When it comes to sex, traumatized people constantly seek to replicate old patterns. For some people, that leads to new trauma. For others, maybe not.

There are two theories about this: one says all vestiges of the malformed sexual impulses created by abuse should be stopped entirely. The other says, if it feels good and it's not hurting anyone (including yourself), do it.

The real answer is up to you and how much you think it's harming you.

yes in 57% of cases those with DID an extreme form of PTSD as a result of child abuse seek revictimization seeking abuse seeing it as normal when its learned behaviour. Following this filled with self disgust for seeking abuse in 72% they attempt suicide and in over 2% they are successful . If they don;t get justice they will in 2-13.7 % of cases seek re-enactment of past abuse in the hope of a better outcome . The best revenge on your abusers is to get better so they no longer control

 

[Ronin]

those with DID an extreme form of PTSD

Please stop implying misinformation.

D.I.D. is a separate disorder unrelated to PTSD.
That some sufferers have comorbid diagnoses does not make them a spectrum of each other.

 

[Muttly]

You remind me so much of me, when I first started sorting this stuff out. I kept looking at different things and wondering "is this a sign of childhood sexual abuse?". "Does this prove I was abused?" And yes, the things I was questioning were, signs of abuse. None of them proved it. The proof was me in trusting in my memories, thoughts and conclusions. That's a hard thing to accept. Then again, if it was easy to accept, we wouldn't need the proof. We wouldn't keep asking and doubting and wondering.

Reenactment is not unusual for trauma survivors. I do something similar. After many years of therapy I have finally started talking about that with my therapist.

why was it helpful though? what part of it?

It's not any magical thing the therapist says, it's the process of talking. It's the exchange that goes on between your therapist and you. If your therapist simply said, "yes, reenactment is a common thing among childhood sexual abuse survivors" that might make you feel less alone, but isn't going to take you far on your healing journey. But if your therapist asks you questions, and you have to think about it and find answers then you begin to understand yourself better. You begin to have control over the the things that drive you. You begin to recognize patterns in yourself, so if there are things that you want to change, you are able to start changing them.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

yes in 57% of cases those with DID an extreme form of PTSD as a result of child abuse seek revictimization seeking abuse seeing it as normal when its learned behaviour. Following this filled with self disgust for seeking abuse in 72% they attempt suicide and in over 2% they are successful . If they don;t get justice they will in 2-13.7 % of cases seek re-enactment of past abuse in the hope of a better outcome . The best revenge on your abusers is to get better so they no longer control

Cite your sources for all of this?

Also, DID is not an "extreme form of PTSD". DID is a completely seperate disorder then PTSD. Apples and oranges. It is completely possible to have DID without PTSD however it is often comorbid with PTSD because DID results from severe trauma. But, that means that person has 2 disorders. DID and PTSD.

 

[Mach123]

This is such a great thread because it's delving into the forbidden subject of being a sexually active chld and all the ramifications of carrying those memories and repressed memories and behaviours or hopefully memories of behaviours into adulthood.

WTF does that mean?

I mean, who do you ask?

So therapy works for me because.

1. I had to tell.

I had to tell because the abuser takes your voice and you can't tell so you are not a real or whole person till you do.

2. Now I've told you I know you can't love me anymore.

I had to try and drive the therapist away after I told her to prove I am unloveable. You get to practice in therapy and hopefully put into practice some of it in real life. Otherwise you just do the same things over and over like the little trauma machine that could.

There's more but what do I know? Good thread.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

1. I had to tell.

This was huge for me. It was the secert that couldn't be spoken of or torture would happen. I feared this so bad even though I was 10 yrs removed. Feared so badly that I had to write it down and even whisper it inside of my therapist's closed office. That fear was HUGH! We did that for months. Passed notes and whispered.

I had to try and drive the therapist away after I told her to prove I am unloveable.

I did that too. Pushed and pushed and really pushed hard with rage! He let me push until I figured out how to stop and accept that I was actually worth fighting for! The me that was inside of this traumatized prison cell!