Relationship Can Use Some Advice

[jr415]

Hi,

It's been awhile since I've been in the threads. I'm in limbo and could use all the advice. My girlfriend and I have been taking a break from alcohol. I lose my patience when drunk and she gets in a dark place and pushes my buttons. So we decided no more drinking period. A few days ago a bad influence friend contacted her to hangout. She had decided to cut out all the users in her life (that friend included). That day she told me she really wanted to hang out with her though. It really irked me and I was unsettled. She really started to get upset with me when i voiced my concerns. But we eventually agreed if she stayed sober and aware it would be fine for her. My girlfriend suffers from mental abuse and anxiety and was the victim of mutiple rapes because of this. I walk a very fine line of making sure not to manipulate her or start a relationship of codependency. The whole night she texted me worrying text, but promised she was alert and sober. What really happened was she got black out drunk. I was lucky a third party was there to keep an eye on her. It can be dangerous bc she blackouts easily and reverts to a risky way before her cbt therapy. It was apparent when she came home and acted like the way she used to when she was depressed and abused. What bothers me is the complete betrayal of trust and her blatant lying. She has also done this before one time. I can only voice my concern and give my suggestion because I don't want to manipulate her. She chooses to go with her enablers and if i voice concern she hates me for it. I asked for her to explain her side. All I received was incoherent drunk muttering. When she awakes how do I approach this? Is there hope for this? Or is it time to end things?

Thank you

 

[Friday]

It's not manipulating someone to lay down boundaries. It's free will. If this is something you cannot tolerate, tell her so, and she does so anyway? That's her choice.

 

[jr415]

Yes, we established boundaries. Unfortunately, she always breaks them.
She has awoken and she is off the bat trying to make me feel bad for her breaking the boundaries. It's hard because any notion of her going towards a healthier path causes her anxiety. We're both young and I'm just worried then about codependency sincei read up on it. She says she still loves me and wants to work with me. But i don't know if she means it. Or will things ever change.

 

[shimmerz]

She chooses to go with her enablers and if i voice concern she hates me for it.

Denial is an incredibly impossible thing to work with.

 

[Casey_03]

As someone who spent years in a co-dependent relationship with an alcoholic, I would advise you to walk away -- at least temporarily. If you forgive her this time around, that is enabling, even if you don't want it to be. Even expressing concern is enabling. In this situation, the only thing that is not enabling is walking away. And blackouts are a very very very bad sign. That says alcoholism if it's happening consistently; it doesn't just sound like self-medicating to me. She is walking down a very dangerous path but she has chosen to do so. It doesn't sound like she's ready for a relationship.

 

[anonymous]

Well, no, you haven't established boundaries!

Establishing boundaries means that there are consequences to breaching those boundaries. i.e. if she drinks, you will leave. That means if she drinks, your bags are packed, no discussion, no negotiations, it's just DONE. Of course this is a more strict example of a boundary, but you get my point.

So set those boundaries and set the consequences. Boundaries without consequences are pretty much worthless. (And I have a feeling that you are interpreting anything even remotely related to laying down the law as manipulation.)

 

[Friday]

Personally... I cut out the middleman.

Most of the men I've dated have had at least one asshole friend. That's totally their right. Never gonna try and get them to stop seeing them or spending time with them. I have my own asshole friends. How much any of us choose to be influenced by those friends? Is on us. It's not Joes fault Ian got drunk and made an ass of himself. Ian is a grown ass man. He got himself drunk. His choices. I'm not going to be mad at Joe, or try and keep joe away. I'm not dating Joe. He's none of my business. Ian is welcome to spend as much time with Joe as he likes, & I hope the two of you have a blast. :D The moment anything becomes my business, it where Ian chooses to be influenced by Joe. Joe's not my problem. Ian is. There's always another "Joe".

 

[Chava]

Probably she meant to stick with your deal, had the idea she could sneak a few, then ended up blackout drunk. Or maybe she knew on some level this was a chance to get really drunk. I ended up blackout drunk most of the time (and many times in ER). Just lost all control once I started drinking...there was really no other way for me to drink. So I quit many years ago...simply too dangerous (and yes, often retraumatizing too)

I can understand being angry about the trust being broken. Like why is it okay for her? If she was willing to talk about what happened that would be one thing. But blaming you = it will probably just happen again because she is unwilling to own it. She could try something like having an out if she wants to hang out with these friends. Early in my sobriety I needed that...mostly just NO to all parties and drinking scenes for a couple years. Then I just left after about an hour, when it became awkward to fit in with drunk people. So I made my appearance and had some fun chat for a bit, then left. If you can't find boundaries that make sense it's really a question of whether or not she cares. Is she just feeling defensive right now? Maybe revisit in a day or so??

It's hard, but you have to decide what boundaries you really want for yourself and your relationship too, especially when she doesn't seem willing or able to work with the ones you agreed to.