Relationship Can we talk about cognitive distortion?

[Hojay]

What are some your sufferer's cognitive distortions re. you or your relationship you've had to work with? How do you handle them and how do you move on?

Obviously, it's useless to argue them out of what they believe to be the patented truth at the time, but I'm having a hard time with that. When it happens, it's always like standing at an abyss: Will he take that distortion and run with it or will he realize soon enough what he thinks about me, what I said, didn't say, do or didn't do was complete backwards BS fabricated by his own mind?

I can't help but want to exert some control over the situation (i.e. explain myself,) which I know I can't. Or I could apologize for something that didn't happen, which would deescalate the situation, but is also a ridiculous option. I've left the room without comment (he knows I'm not arguing with him anymore after a certain point,) which only caused him to believe his own BS even more, pack his bag, and attempt to leave for good. Should have just let him, will be the answer to that, I guess.

I guess I'm just looking for people in the same boat. Cognitive distortions, anyone? Anyone in the business of constantly having to maneuver around them? Ugh...

 

[Snowflakes]

I guess I'm just looking for people in the same boat. Cognitive distortions, anyone? Anyone in the business of constantly having to maneuver around them? Ugh...

Welcome to my world. Her therapist (when it was couples) told me that if she believes it in her mind, then it is true. Maybe not factually true to me but true to her. It would be like telling me the sky is green...and it really is. Nothing you could tell me would convince my belief that I see blue. The point being that defending my position or arguing becomes pointless.

I didn’t have good boundaries nor coping skills at the time so I constantly argued and defended. Now I simply and silently walk away. What she thinks about me when I walk away is irrelevant.....I mean, it can’t be any worse than what was thought about me before I walked away.

 

[Hojay]

Oh yes, @Snowflakes, very much in the same boat here.

The point being that defending my position or arguing becomes pointless.

Absolutely. It's interesting what you said about not having good boundaries that leads to defending one's position. I came to that same conclusion a while ago. Engaging isn't just pointless, it's harmful and just another symptom of bad boundaries.

I have to say though, during the most recent examples of all this, I realized how difficult it is for me to even recognize when a cognitive distortion is going on. What he's saying is always vaguely possible enough for me to get roped into thinking I can just reasonably set the record straight, i.e. defend and argue. There's also a little bit of intermittent reinforcement going on: sometimes I argue and he sees the light. Sometimes it's a sh*t show. Keeps me at the gambling table.

Also, turning it around, how furious would I be if my partner just got up and left every time I have a point of view he doesn't agree with? Hence...

Now I simply and silently walk away.

...this being so difficult. I don't want to validate his distortion or engage in boundary busting talks, but it's also hard for me to walk out because I disagree. Also because...

What she thinks about me when I walk away is irrelevant.....I mean, it can’t be any worse than what was thought about me before I walked away.

...this is such a painful reality. Every now and again I can detach myself enough to not care what he thinks or does as a consequence of his thoughts. But it's a real struggle on my end. I wish there were some 3rd option. Not engaging, not walking out, but...I don't know.

The worst part, when I do walk out and disengage, he comes at me with "I'm trying to communicate with you and tell you how I feel!! Why doesn't anyone ever listen when I talk?! This is what happens when I try to open up and talk?!!"...which has a great way of roping me back in and making me question my reality of what's going on...

 

[Deleted member 44240]

What are some your sufferer's cognitive distortions re. you or your relationship you've had to work with? How do you handle them and how do you move on?

Obviously, it's useless to argue them out of what they believe to be the patented truth at the time, but I'm having a hard time with that. When it happens, it's always like standing at an abyss: Will he take that distortion and run with it or will he realize soon enough what he thinks about me, what I said, didn't say, do or didn't do was complete backwards BS fabricated by his own mind?

I can't help but want to exert some control over the situation (i.e. explain myself,) which I know I can't. Or I could apologize for something that didn't happen, which would deescalate the situation, but is also a ridiculous option. I've left the room without comment (he knows I'm not arguing with him anymore after a certain point,) which only caused him to believe his own BS even more, pack his bag, and attempt to leave for good. Should have just let him, will be the answer to that, I guess.

I guess I'm just looking for people in the same boat. Cognitive distortions, anyone? Anyone in the business of constantly having to maneuver around them? Ugh...

Welcome to my world. Her therapist (when it was couples) told me that if she believes it in her mind, then it is true. Maybe not factually true to me but true to her. It would be like telling me the sky is green...and it really is. Nothing you could tell me would convince my belief that I see blue. The point being that defending my position or arguing becomes pointless.

I didn’t have good boundaries nor coping skills at the time so I constantly argued and defended. Now I simply and silently walk away. What she thinks about me when I walk away is irrelevant.....I mean, it can’t be any worse than what was thought about me before I walked away.

@Hojay, I would love to know if what I went through was initially cognitive distortion. I fell as if I was in the same boat, however, I didn’t realize it at the time. Oh and btw, I want to thank you for being such a sound person who understands from a supporter’s perspective.

@Snowflakes, Like yourself, as mentioned, I didn’t have good coping skills nor was I educated enough on ptsd at the time to recognize just what I was encountering at the time, so I just argued my point everytime he would come at me with something irrational. So that’s what caused me to reach out to someone I thought I could trust with questions/statements on what I should do and how they should behave with him.

 

[Hojay]

I need to add: It's not lashing out and screaming that I'm trying to manage in those moments. That would be a clear: I'm walking out. It's panic attacks caused by what he thinks I said or meant, which does and doesn't have to do with me. So it's harder to walk out on that.

 

[Hojay]

I would love to know if what I went through was initially cognitive distortion

That's a tough question. I think we all have cognitive distortions to a certain extent. I think many tiffs even in normal relationships have some going on at any point in time. So I'm constantly having to ask myself also: is he right or this distortion? Is this a normal misunderstanding or is it distortion? A good point of measurement for me is the intensity of his reaction. The more heated and panicked he gets about something, the more certain I can be that distortions are going on. Also, if I'm just blinking at him emptily with literally nothing to say about what he just said happened...

It's just a really important area to become very clear about. Being met with cog. distortions for extended periods of time can cause someone to believe they are true at some point. I'm sure questioning myself sometimes. Doesn't feel great to constantly have to do that.

I want to thank you for being such a sound person who understands from a supporter’s perspective.

:) Happy I can make a difference.

 

[Snowflakes]

Also, turning it around, how furious would I be if my partner just got up and left every time I have a point of view he doesn't agree with?

Agreed.....if it was only a disagreement of opinions. But if you were attacking his character or otherwise causing him grief by your words, them him walking away would be his way of preserving his sanity by ending the conversation. Whether you’re furious or not isn’t the issue.

 

[Snowflakes]

I wish there were some 3rd option. Not engaging, not walking out, but...I don't know.

I should have added this to my last post. I’ve spent a lot of years looking for this. I hope we find this 3rd option. I honestly hope and will be following this thread :hug:

 

[scout86]

Why doesn't anyone ever listen when I talk?!

There are actually ARE options beyond fighting and walking away, but they probably aren't easy.

Although the question I quoted above might not be phrased the best, I think it helps to begin by addressing the concern it expresses. At least that's the approach my T takes and it's the approach that I find to be most useful when this kind of stuff comes up.

You can't control the other person, that's not your job, but you CAN start by making sure you accurately heard what they said and that you understood it, and make sure they know that they've been accurately heard. Then make sure they accurately heard you and understand it. Keep in mind it's possible for two people to legitimately see things differently. That doesn't make one of them wrong.

Keep in mind a rule of hostage negotiation, "slow is good". Slow things down. Ask questions to clarify and listen to the answers. By asking questions, you encourage the other person to think with the rational part of their brain. (As long as you are sincere, not patronizing. And you might have to work at being convincing because they may tend to assume you're being patronizing.)

The trick is to engage the rational part of their brain. It's probably easier to do when you're NOT in some kind of "relationship" relationship. (For the record, I do this with MYSELF all the time, just to try to avoid running of the rails.)

If you start out from the position that "I'm right and they're wrong and they have nothing useful to say." It's not going to work. It's more about listening and getting the other person to slow down and think, if you're really dealing with a cognitive distortion, not a simple difference of opinion.

 

[Hojay]

But if you were attacking his character or otherwise causing him grief by your words, them him walking away would be his way of preserving his sanity by ending the conversation.

Okay, got me there :) I guess it boils down to my own clarity on when it's distortion and when it's a disagreement. He has a certain "read" on my behavior or words, which I don't agree with and, essentially, is an attack on my character and causes me a lot of grief. In normal relationships, I'd try and clear it up. Maybe there'd be an argument, maybe not. Here, my hands are tied...he'll panic because of his thoughts whether I argue or leave.

 

[velocifero]

I am struggling with this. I accidentally triggered the person and he accused me of fabricating things, told his friends and family, and now they think i'm a weirdo even though I didn't fabricate anything. I asked them if it was a possibility that something happened. I tried to defend myself, once, and got screamed at, which triggered my own issues. Now, I have been basically staying away for the last couple of weeks, because it's scared me and sent me back into my own dark space.

 

[scout86]

He has a certain "read" on my behavior or words, which I don't agree with and, essentially, is an attack on my character

That right that COULD be a cognitive distortion. I'm not saying it is, because maybe it's not. But, is he intending to attack your character? It sounds like you very much FEEL attacked. Does he intend to do that? Does he get, in the rational part of his brain, that you're reacting the way you are because you feel attacked?