Childhood Can you block things off into different spaces

[Movingforward10]

I just need to say things with my dad and my mum saw and then he didn't bath or put us to bed. But no one ever said anything. need to just say it.

You just have.
And we have heard.
And believe you.

I hope you feel able to share this with your T.

 

[oakleaves]

You just have.
And we have heard.
And believe you.

I hope you feel able to share this with your T.

Thank you so much for listening.

 

[Geopolis]

Thank you so much for listening.

One more believer/supporter/listener here! The vulnerability and courage you're displaying is awe inspiring. My experience may be helpful?

Between the ages of 6-10 I experienced SA from a boy down the street. It plagued me for most of my entire life and instilled intrusive thoughts like "I'm doomed to do the same thing." I saw many therapists and always recounted the scenario as SA.

Around 3 years ago I got really vulnerable and shared this info with a new therapist. He made me feel safe in a way the others didn't. Low and behold a fragmented memory snapped together and I realized that whatever age it happened at... it was consensual and playful. My head couldn't wrap itself around that and I went off the deep end questioning my reality and memory.

Eventually my T and I decided that we needed to tackle the SA anyway because I had suffered the trauma regardless of the facts.

The point is that when my therapist never questioned my original reality and was even more accepting when I discovered the memory. He assured me repeatedly that everything was completely understandable and then we talked in amazement about how malleable the human mind is when dealing with trauma.

Hope something in there helps!

 

[oakleaves]

One more believer/supporter/listener here! The vulnerability and courage you're displaying is awe inspiring...

The point is that when my therapist never questioned my original reality and was even more accepting when I discovered the memory. He assured me repeatedly that everything was completely understandable and then we talked in amazement about how malleable the human mind is when dealing with trauma.

Hope something in there helps!

Thanks so much for sharing this. I appreciate it.

I had a funny experience the other day where I saw someone I hadn't seen since I was a young child and she mentioned something that acted as a trigger for lots of other memories. I felt sort of reassured by that like my memory is working normally and the kind of recall I have normal and maybe I can trust it. So that helped.

I don't know if I will talk to my T yet but I am glad I could say it somewhere.

 

[oakleaves]

Just trying this out here but I could just say to my t that it was csa and my dad and that it wasn't that bad (not as bad as the things that happened in another place) but it is like I blocked this bit off and then I have been back in touch with it more recently. And it is that it happened at all rather than how bad it was that bothers me and that it was just ignored by my other parent. Like pretended it didn't matter. I feel like such a horrible person and so confused by my memories at the moment.

 

[Movingforward10]

You can say whatever it is you want to say. And however you want to say it.

Sometimes when things are really hard to say, I tell my T that I don't know if I can get the words out. She says that's ok and we talk around it. We work through what is hard about getting the words out.

What is it that makes you feel a horrible person?


Maybe for later: but levels of what was bad could be something to talk to your T about too. It's very common for is to say "it wasn't that bad", as I think that is another way for us to blame ourselves for our feelings around all this.

You're being really brave making these steps.
It's so hard and so painful.

You might find a bit of relief in getting some of it out. And being believed and heard.

 

[oakleaves]

What is it that makes you feel a horrible person?

I genuinely feel like it probably wasn't meant badly by my dad or by my mum. Like I feel like it was a lack of control or something rather than to dominate (which is what the other stuff felt like). I don't know because he could be very controlling and horrible when he was drunk but when he wasn't drunk he wasn't like that. I think my mum just did what she did because that is how things were dealt with in her family. I blame her for not listening to me when I said I wanted to leave him and for making me feel so responsible for her that even at the age of thirteen I couldn't put myself first.

So I feel horrible for wanting to talk about it because it was so long ago and I don't think it was like perhaps in his head almost not intentional. And I'm not someone who has problems thinking my parents were inadequate. I know they failed me and hurt me a lot. But for this (and I was younger so maybe that is to do with it) it was like he was just there and it happened (and it was to my memory not the kind of things my mum's partner did) and then after my mum came in it was like oh well you don't talk about it but also he doesn't put you to bed anymore etc I blame her not him even though I also have no feeling for him apart from sadness I still when I have a trigger can feel like that house is stuck to me even though it was a lot of years ago.

I just need to add like I really don't think it was meant in the same way as the other person meant to do things it was much more like an impulse or something from my memory rather than like he meant to do it in a way to exploit me and actively take advantage of my vulnerability and age like I know he must have known I was scared but my dad it was not like that. I feel like I shouldn't talk about it because it was not his fault or something like he was just confused or drunk but it still happened. I really don't feel defensive of him in that I don't think it was bad much more than I just don't want to misrepresent. I have a real thing about being accurate with things. Anyway thanks for listening.

 

[Movingforward10]

You're not a horrible person because you need to talk about something traumatic happening to you by your dad and then by your mum.
Feeling that you are, and feeling that you shouldn't tall about it are symptoms of trauma.

Whether he did it impulsively and/or whilst intoxicated, doesn't take away the impact on you. The trauma of the situation. He was an adult who needed to protect you.
This may be too confronting to hear, idk.

But it's really good you're letting it out.
It wasn't your fault.
You did nothing wrong.
And you are doing nothing wrong now by talking about it.
Talking about it and processing it is self care. Nothing bad.

 

[oakleaves]

This may be too confronting to hear, idk.

No it's not I do understand what you are saying and I appreciate it. I just feel like (and I get that this is how I was affected by how I grew up) that he was not well and therefore it isn't his fault which I know really is not the point I just feel like if I blame him it makes me more worse.
I feel like there was the him before I was like 8 or 9 and the him after then when he was aggressive and angry but before it was like he was drunk but not aggressive i don't know. Anyway I am sorry so sorry because I feel like it is a horrible thing to say but thank you for listening and for saying that it was not me.

 

[oakleaves]

I drafted an email to my t and accidentally sent it and I can't get it back and now I don't know what to do. I did not want to send it. I really really didn't.

Also I remembered a thing that happened with me and another child and we were playing and it was I think developmentally normal play and curiosity but now I'm thinking was I acting stuff out without realising and it's absolutely messing with my mind. I am so not ok with any of this.

 

[Movingforward10]

It's all ok.

The email to T. What made you wish you hadn't sent it? Because maybe, once you are able to work through the shock and worry of it being sent, it might actually be a really positive and healing experience? Your T will have some information that I am assuming you are now regretting you shared, but night be important?
Would you want to send a other email explaining your feeling about accidentally sending it and whether or not you want to talk about the content right now?

And exploring with your T how you feel about what happened with that child might also help?

There honestly is nothing wrong with you.
You are not a bad person.
You experienced trauma. And all these feelings are the response and impact of trauma.
It's so intense, overwhelming, all consuming. There is a way through.
It does get easier.

 

[oakleaves]

Oh my gosh I really can't deal with this. I am really scared I have got confused and I don't see how I can have had these things happen with two different people in the space of a few years. Like my dad and my mums partner both did things to me that can't be right or real. I really think I must be misrembering. I do not think my therapist will believe me. I really don't. I know what I remember and I know it was different things and very different experiences but gosh I don't know if i am making it up and it is horrible. How can my dad and my mums partner both have had the same predatory instinct. It doesn't make sense. The idea of doubting my integrity is sooo horrible I can't deal with it.