Relationship Can You Help Me Understand This Better?

[Justmehere]

I have noticed in life offline and on the forums that many supporters say something like, "please tell me this is PTSD." Supporters will often see what is going on for the sufferer or in the relationship as a symptom of PTSD and find some relief in knowing that it is a symptom. I don't understand why. I'm hoping you all might be able to help me understand better.

It seems like many supporters (not all) really want to hear that a certain behavior or statement by a loved one is PTSD rather than a character flaw, or the person just not being into the relationship anymore, or something they did wrong, or all kinds of things.

This is a genuine honest question. I come from such a different perspective and I am in a stage of life where I am trying to understand better how to let supporters into my life more. Which makes me want to understand supporters more. I guess I am not so much unlike supporters who want to understand what people with PTSD are going through.

I have PTSD. I also have people in my life with PTSD. All I think is, "please, don't let this be due to PTSD..." I see PTSD is a serious mental health problem fueled by life and death horror that was burned into our brains at a moment of survival. PTSD is a changed brain. And not generally changed for the good. It does not improve easily, and it will never ever fully go away. It can improve, but it takes LOTS of work and time. Sometimes it takes a lot of money too, in paying for treatment and time off from work for treatment and in lost time and relationships and opportunities. It also often means there are more problems going on than people first realize...

I also hate the diagnosis of PTSD for many reasons, so my own viewpoint is very skewed. I don't know if anyone else who suffers from PTSD feels the same I do about PTSD. Honestly, I personally hate it. It means I was a victim... I have been told by a trauma therapist that I reject the victim reality more than anyone they have ever met. It was not a compliment, or a negative statement, just an observation that I happen to agree is pretty accurate. PTSD means I was powerless to stop what nearly killed me. That reality frightens me. PTSD also means I have problems I can't entirely solve on my own and that are very stubborn problems. That reality drains me.

I am trying to see other viewpoints on the PTSD diagnosis and reality. Why it's not a diagnosis to be feared, but maybe a tool?

I think many supporters understand the reality that PTSD is a terrible condition... and yet I see people here and in my life offline say, "please tell me this is the PTSD." Can you help me understand why? Is it reassuring if it is PTSD? It is because now you know what you are dealing with and there is maybe a framework for what to do?

Please help me understand what it is like to be a supporter who doesn't have PTSD and who is in relationship with someone who does have PTSD. Please help me understand what are the possible benefits is to a problem being rooted in PTSD rather than other things.

Any thoughts are very welcomed and appreciated.

(p.s. I'm sorry if this is in the wrong forum. Please feel free to move it to another if needed.)

 

[LilBit]

For me it casts my sufferer's behaviors in a whole different light. If she has ptsd, her behaviors all make perfect sense. If she does not, then they are either just incomprehensible or inexcusable. If I know her trauma history and that she has ptsd I know why she reacts the way she does in personal relationships. If I did not know she has ptsd I think she plays headgames, is immature, and is a horrible and PURPOSELY hurtful person. If I know she has ptsd I understand those behaviors. Even just a minor example, nothing about anything really personal... if she has a fever or is sick the meds she takes for anxiety do not work as well or at all. So if I know details of her disorder I understand that her behavior will change when she is ill. Or if I understand that her age at the time of her trauma affected her communication skills in personal relationships I will understand some of her conduct that otherwise I would not have much tolerance for. Don't know if that helps but it's my 2 cents.

 

[Echo]

There is, indeed, an awful lot of this, particularly here on the forum. Whilst there are many shared characteristics of the condition, obviously, we all have it for such different reasons and had such different personalities before it started, and as it continues. I, too, would be very interested in what is to be gained from this line of questioning.

 

[Me Myself and I]

The way we (sufferers) see PTSD is different than the way (supporters) see it.

We sometimes see it as a struggle, as an "illness", a "disfunction" it depends on each and every individual. But what we all know, is that PTSD from the moment we "have it", becomes a part of us, that can get worst, stay as it is or may as well improve, but never disappear completely.

Whereas supporters see it sometimes as an excuse for the behaviour of those they love. It is easier for them to "blame" PTSD for any relational problems, rather than admit or realise that there is something wrong in that relation in the first place.

Understanding that a person can sometimes change is a very complicated "theory" to accept.

So sufferers decide to "hold on to" PTSD believing that it is a stage that takes sometime, and then gone it's over. And that,is a way for them to have hope, as in (this is just temporary and one day will end and things will go back to how they were).

 

[Gryffy]

@LilBit hit the nail on the head. It's about understanding, forgiveness, and hopefully reconciliation and knowing how to deal with situations that arise in the future.

 

[Mouseshadow]

Relationships alone are difficult and both parties' baggage usually shows up. I myself have not found it hard to discern between what is PTSD and what is inappropriate behaviour. For me, I really try to think hard about a few things. First, am I just being insecure? Secondly, PTSD or not, is it acceptable to me? Lastly, is whatever my issue is worth bringing up to my sufferer keeping in mind that she doesn't need any unnecessary added stress that I could deal with on my own?

I'll give you an example.

My sufferer changes her profile picture on FB frequently and she has lots of guy friends that jump in and comment the usual comments like, "very sexy, super hot, wow," etc... Every now and then someone would cross the line and make me pretty uncomfortable. She posted a picture related to a movie and one fellow went on to comment about what a great movie it was and how he should rent it and head over to her place and "cuddle on a long couch." He was very specific. She didn't reply in the comments other than to try and redirect the conversation by saying "yeah I might check that out." But she also "liked" his posts. So I thought on it for a day. Was I insecure? Yep. Was it acceptable? In the end I decided that it wasn't. I felt that she should have deleted that post and messaged him that she had a boyfriend. I understand because of her PTSD that she will avoid confrontation at all costs. That's why she "liked" his posts and didn't do more to deter him. However, I felt it was important to point out how inappropriate it was for him to publicly flirt with her when she is in a relationship with me and that she could simply delete the comment and let him know that she is in a relationship. I felt strongly enough to address it calmly. At first she became defensive thinking I was mistrusting of her but eventually she agreed with my point of view and understood and she said she would talk to him about it.

It opened up a conversation about other things as well and she was really overwhelmed with our relationship and it turns out our intimacy had caused certain issues to surface. She has become "terrified" of my physical presence because I am a man even though she misses me and thinks about me all day. So we broke up. You know what though? It was the right choice for her. She is less stressed and she is opening up more and more about what happened to her and she doesn't isolate me any more like when we were officially a couple. She is making progress in her life and I am happy for her. She even has a job now which has given her so much confidence.

As for me. I'm okay. I miss her terribly and I wake up in the middle of the night reaching for her only to find air but I am doing the right thing and being her friend. That is what being a supporter is supposed to be. A supporter should be a light in the dark. I see all the posts by supporters who are always trying to figure out what is and isn't PTSD. I've been there and if you have to ask that you probably have your own issues to sort through.

@Justmehere I think the best partner for sufferers is someone who is pretty well in tune with their own emotions and can figure out things on their own. You don't need the complication of another person's issues while you are trying to work on your own. I hope this helps. Sorry for the rambling.

 

[Aelwen]

It seems like many supporters (not all) really want to hear that a certain behavior or statement by a loved one is PTSD rather than a character flaw, or the person just not being into the relationship anymore, or something they did wrong, or all kinds of things.

From a supporter perspective, I think it's about placement of blame or control. When problems arise, it can be easier to attribute that tension to PTSD or some other kind of disorder rather than to a human being. I feel like there is this common mindset that we, as human beings, should always be "in control" of our own lives, even though we (sometimes only vaguely) recognize that this is not always possible. It's frustrating for us when that control is taken away from us, like when someone we care about is exhibiting behaviors that are associated with PTSD. It's easier to say, "My sufferer is acting like this because it's PTSD," or "I hope that the cause of my sufferer's behavior is PTSD!" because that is a lot easier to accept than "Maybe I or my sufferer is the cause of the problem I am facing right now."

Does this make sense? I just mean to say that people have a tendency to shift blame away from themselves or the people we care about, so attributing the blame to PTSD can be a twisted sort of relief, even though we recognize that PTSD is not something anyone should ever wish for. (Isn't there some fancy psychological term for this kind of ego-protection?)

Thank you for posting this, Justmehere, because I now realize that I do this with my own sufferer. You've helped me to realize that my sufferer is not separate from her PTSD, and so it's unfair of me to try and attribute the "cause" of some of her behaviors to PTSD rather than to any other facet of her identity. Instead, I should recognize that while PTSD is a huge portion of her life right now, she does lead a full human existence along side it, and ignoring the rest of this existence would almost invalidate her identity as a person, as well as invalidate her PTSD.

I fully recognize @LilBit's perspective as well, though. I think I just took it too far - I tried to understand where my girlfriend was coming from, and to understand that she is going to have certain responses to situations that won't always make sense to me due to the PTSD. I think I just did this too often. I think this is the core reason why I've been enabling her so much.

 

[Tswevnz]

Yiu

Relationships alone are difficult and both parties' baggage usually shows up. I myself have not found it hard to discern between what is PTSD and what is inappropriate behavior. For me, I really try to think hard about a few things. First, am I just being insecure? Secondly, PTSD or not, is it acceptable to me? Lastly, is whatever my issue is worth bringing up to my sufferer keeping in mind that she doesn't need any unnecessary added stress that I could deal with on my own?

You are one AMAZING person!

I wish everybody had one of you in their life :)

So sorry for your loss, I hope the two of you will find a way back through the clouds.

 

[K201]

@LilBit I agree with that. I was really wondering about this question and I think you are right. My bf is shut down at this time and very emotionless. If not for his ptsd I would just think he was a heartless person seeing me hurting and being fine with it. Thank you for making that point it makes me understand things more.

 

[BigBear]

So, let's say that my sufferer hits me with something very nasty and uncalled for. If that's just who my sufferer is and it has nothing to do with PTSD, then I should say what would I do if a random person on the street walked up and did me like that. Let me tell you, the best they could expect is to be knee capped. On the other hand, if it is really due to PTSD that has not been managed, then I've got all of the reason in the world to be forgiving. Finally, perhaps it is PTSD but it will never get better. It's been as cleaned up as we can get it. I still owe her a lot of leniency. She's been through things I hope I never have to go through!

Bear

 

[scout86]

I don't have an answer to the question, but it drives me a little nuts every time I see it on here.

I am ME. A human being. I an NOT PTSD, or ADD, or Alexithymia, or any other set of initials and labels someone wants to trot out. If I want to interact with others, I have a responsibility to get my act together well enough to do it. If I mess up, I want to know about it so I can do something about it. If I over react, I hope someone will (kindly?) point it out to me so I can apologize. I don't expect a free pass, I expect the same consequences as anyone else.I'm actually a little insulted by the idea that I'm might be so badly damaged that I can't be expected to play by the same rules as the rest of the world. I might mess up more often and in different ways than I would have, under different circumstances, but that's beside the point, as far as I'm concerned.

At the same time, for the people I'm around a lot, and the few people I actually have a "relationship" with, I feel I owe them some explanations, mostly so they have a better idea how to approach things and partly because I hope they'll be willing to help me work towards new and improved ways of dealing with stuff.

Good topic!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I kinda wish you had posted this in the sufferer forums. Then I'd be able to say how I really feel.