Relationship Can You Help Me Understand This Better?

[Orglethorp]

I think there has to be a distinction made here between supporters understanding their sufferer's PTSD-related behaviours, struggles and reactions, and people who see a change or decision in someone they love that just happens to coincide with a potentially traumatic event who then want to blame PTSD instead of accepting that things change, and sometimes it sucks. I am not bothered by supporters hoping a new symptom/behaviour is PTSD because then they know how to respond / accept it / not take it personally when they already know their loved one has PTSD. What bothers me is the people who were recently in an argument or break up who hope that the person who hurt them did it because they have developed a debilitating mental illness.

As a side note, I'm also constantly ruffled by the misconception that PTSD can be diagnosed immediately after a traumatic event. Immediate symptoms are natural, and at most are ASD until a month has passed.

 

[BigBear]

As a side note, I'm also constantly ruffled by the misconception that PTSD can be diagnosed immediately after a traumatic event. Immediate symptoms are natural, and at most are ASD until a month has passed.

Angel was continuously mis-diagnosed for 15 years. During the first 10 years (or so), Psychologists claimed that she was just acting out and had no psychological problems.

Even getting the benefit of a diagnosis can seem near impossible.

Bear

 

[Justmehere]

Wow. I don't have anything to add right now, I'm still processing what everyone has shared. Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has shared their viewpoints. This is such a helpful discussion to me. I sense a lot of compassion here.

 

[ISupportHer]

OK, I admit I have not read every word in posts in this thread but yet, based on the thread title, thought I would add a comment.

BEFORE there was a PTSD diagnosis for my wife, she went through what many others have. Multiple labels or diagnoses. Depression, then maybe bi-polar, or even some other personality disorder. In what I call my own manic supporter phase, I went to web sites, support groups for them all at some point. Read books, looked online and more in an attempt to understand.

I sent to a Bi-polar Alliance meeting that had a Psychologist speak. He was discussing the various types and treatments. One simple statement really resounded with me. Sometimes it's better to treat the patient rather than pigeon hole them into a diagnosis.

Yes, a diagnosis can help guide with treatment, and my understanding but I learned that I need to not let that limit me. There were concepts in books about bipolar disease that I felt helped me, for example. I guess what I am saying is to let what you learn through a specific diagnosis or even what you learn here GUIDE you, not railroad you.

Hope my rambling makes sense, LOL.

 

[dimplesg520]

I think that there a few different meaning behind it when people say they hope it's due to PTSD, or say that the PTSD is what is causing the situation.

In my case, I don't necessarily hope it's PTSD or "please tell me it's PTSD"... I would just like to know if something is because of that, or not. If it is, it changes how I view the situation. I understand that it's not my boyfriend's fault that he has PTSD, and he is trying very very hard to get past it. But, because we are all human, sometimes he slips up. It helps put things into perspective for me -- he isn't doing this on purpose, he may not even realize how it's coming across.. Maybe I should be more compassionate and understanding than annoyed and hurt. If he says something or does something and he says PTSD wasn't a factor, that also adjusts how I react (but even then, I am still usually more compassionate than I would be to someone else because I realize that even if he isn't aware of it, PTSD floats along into other aspects of his life and may be affecting it unintentionally).

I have multiple chronic illnesses, none of which are PTSD, but they affect me every second of my life. So I understand what you guys are saying about how you aren't PTSD, you aren't your disease. I get that. I'm not my disease, either. But at the same time, I have diseases that affect my functioning, same as your PTSD. Isn't it just respectful and nice for people to realize that and adjust their ways? Perhaps you see it as a form of discrimination because you have PTSD or babying you, or treating you differently, and I understand that because I don't like to be reminded of my disease all the time, either. But most of the time people do it with good intentions, to try to work with you or make your life better (or so they think). Just a thought.

On the flip side, I see that a lot of people on here hope that it's PTSD because that is a convenient excuse that can be used to cover up bad behavior. At the root of who he is, I love my boyfriend completely. Sure, sometimes he does things that piss me off, but I like the core person that he is, his values, the way he treats people, etc. It seems like some people on here are with people who let their PTSD overrule them and treat people extremely badly, and the supporter says "oh it's just PTSD" instead of "wow, this person is extremely abusive on a consistent basis. I need to get away from this."

I think that mostly, we supporters tend to fall into one of the two categories... wanting to know if it's PTSD so they can understand better, and wanting to think it's PTSD to live in denial more. That's my opinion from reading this forum, at least =)

 

[scout86]

That last post is so good, I wish I could do more than just LIKE it!

 

[dimplesg520]

Well thank you @scout86 ! I try my best to be understanding and see things from different perspectives.

@Solara - when have you ever been one to hold back? :p I, for one, am interested to hear your viewpoint on this topic...

 

[Tinyflame]

I think ignoring what are the interferences of ptsd would be to not acknowledge the elephant in the room. But sometimes I wonder why it is so difficult to understand. Is it? :(

For example, (unrelated), today at work a co-worker thought a client is 'playing games'. My experience is she has dementia. I adjust. We have got on fine. Everyone else seems to have problems with her. Idk. I am experienced, I still feel she has dementia, I try to respond in ways that are most effective for that and do not see a personal afront, our interaction is good.

However, it's (ptsd) not a 'free pass' to lousy behaviour, and ptsd sufferers can still tell the truth, including as to what their likes or dislikes, or intentions, or thoughts are (within reason and respecting others- no use worrying others as to what is not their responsibility or they can't affect or change). JMHO.

I don't see recognizing the complications of ptsd being just a question of sympathy, but more one of understanding. But that same principle of understanding applies to understanding people with all different kinds of issues, or to whatever their nature or character. Just as I recognize the signs of panic in my rescue dog, or wounds in my friends, or know the inate character or inclinations of my sister, etc. Not about pigeon-holing or predictability, just simple understanding and awareness and observation. That effects not only how I view things but how I respond.

 

[Never Give Up]

I would like thank both supporter & sufferer's point of views. I really respect your thought process and how things are perceived. As a supporter, I am not looking for an excuse to discredit some one's behaviour or label a person based on symptoms of PTSD.

I read many non-supporter forums to understand how people cope day to day with real issues. I will not comment on a non-supporter forum in respect to those looking for help and closure and trust.

I can understand that us "supporters" looks like we are complaining and in denial. I appreciate others who can share similar situations which can help us cope with a loved one. It is because we care.

I have spent more time on this site this past month than any other site because I care and this is a serious matter. My heart goes out to all on these forums.

 

[BigBear]

I adjust.

Why don't other people adjust?

This goes back to the new popular mindset. People who cause trouble need to be gotten rid of. I guess if they were intentionally causing trouble, I might have to agree. But to determine that takes time and effort. Most people would just rather exile them than work with them.

Strangely enough many of those are living in their own glass houses...

Bear

 

[Tinyflame]

People who cause trouble need to be gotten rid of..

I think people lose out a lot with those thoughts. It seems to delegate people in to categories. To me it's normal to adjust. One does not relate the same to a child as an adult for example, or all of the differences we then find with adults. Gosh, even animals are unique. I think it makes for better relationships though.

Dear @BigBear , there is truth I think in the fact that many people are made to feel stigmatized, or burdensome. I say it only because not only have I heard others express and fear it, but for the first time I think of how much I've heard it myself. It really has affected me.

But, I can also say after being on the forum a long time, you Bear have always impressed me as having a very accurate and compassionate understanding (and balance between the two). Really above-average, terribly appreciated. :hug:

It also is quite frustrating to not be able to explain one's self as a sufferer. To be stigmatized on top of it surely closes the door on any desire to try or put one's self in that position (for me).

 

[Tinyflame]

As a supporter, I am not looking for an excuse to discredit some one's behaviour or label a person based on symptoms of PTSD.

I can understand that us "supporters" looks like we are complaining and in denial.

I have spent more time on this site this past month than any other site because I care and this is a serious matter.

Dear @Never Give Up , I don't think that looks like complaining or denial at all. If anything, I think others (sufferers and supporters) often try to say don't give all the benefit of the doubt, or don't let yourself be harmed or burdened or not treated with love, kindness and respect.

If anything, just as Bear alluded to, supporters are really incredible. In a way, that makes me feel better. Because when I see and hear examples to the contrary, of stigma and exclusion, it's easy to fall in to the thought and belief that everyone feels that way, or can't imagine feeling or seeing things in any other way.I know that could be classified as "black-and-white" thinking, but it's also feedback and experience and cultural (or societal). I think that contributes to feeling very 'alien', and fear of disclosure. But, in other words, because you are different, or see it in a different way, I can think (instead) well 1000 people might feel that way, but that one person doesn't see it as only that.

Thank you. :hug: