Can you help me understand why this bothers me (T said it’s tragic anyone has my disorder)?

[shimmerz]

it feels very different in my body to accept I have the disorder...

Disorder? I have learned to be very mindful of the words I use about myself and others. Is it a disorder or is it a coping mechanism? If it is a disorder (to me) that indicates something innately wrong with the functioning of it. Seems more like a coping mechanism because it was put into place to protect you from something.

Now I think it is about getting the lay of the land in your world right now and seeing if this dissociative coping mechanism is still needed. That's the technical part of recovery. The emotional part of recovery is grieving what has happened, accepting how it affected us, and then determining whether we still want to live with that coping mechanism.

Is dissociation helping you at all in day to day life?

 

[Mach123]

I have a very good therapist (clinical Psychologist). 6 months in and I have to say I feel very well held and contained in general. But I've been struggling with knowing how to accept my diagnosis of having a dissociative disorder. Been having glimpses of seeing how it fits. And when that happens it really gets me down, and effects me physically also (body collapse). All part and parcel of very strong denial, which I'm aware of and working on.

Today was a day I felt a sense of hopelessness because I can see more and more how my dissociative disorder plays out in my life. That I'm going to have to fully accept it at some point...

My therapist, a few times now, has said that no one wants to celebrate having a dissociative disorder (true I guess) and that (and this is the bit I feel weird about), that it's absolutely 'tragic' that it happens to people and they have to deal with it...

I've been surprised each time he's said it. Because I guess to me it shows an insensitivity. Like, if I'm struggling on one level to accept it, why say something like that? And part of me wants to say 'Stop feeling sorry for me'... or sees it as patronising

I'm not having a massive reaction to this. But it is bugging me and I can't figure out quite why.

You asked why can’t I accept this. The answer is because you aren’t ready yet. I don’t believe we can force things, it happens slowly at its own pace. This answer is the stuff they used to say in 12 steps. Acceptance is the key and I can do anything one day at a time and etc. It’s very trite I know and if you’re like me you’d prefer a more complex sophisticated answer.

But I feel really good this morning and that’s because I’ve spent years talking myself out of feeling bad. I wanted to say something positive somewhere and I came upon this thread so there’s my 2 cents and I hope you’re feeling better.

 

[beaneeboo]

Disorder? I have learned to be very mindful of the words I use about myself and others. Is it a disorder or is it a coping mechanism? If it is a disorder (to me) that indicates something innately wrong with the functioning of it. Seems more like a coping mechanism because it was put into place to protect you from something.

I agree completely with this. I don't like the term disorder. I think language is so important because it has so many subtle meanings behind it, often meanings we take on but don't notice. I think it could be called dissociative condition or dissociative mechanism or something, or response...

Now I think it is about getting the lay of the land in your world right now and seeing if this dissociative coping mechanism is still needed. That's the technical part of recovery.

Yup. Though, i have to fully see it and accept first i guess to determine if it's still needed, would likely be what my T would say.

The emotional part of recovery is grieving what has happened, accepting how it affected us, and then determining whether we still want to live with that coping mechanism.

the last bit is hard. This is where my parts have more control than me in how they see and relate to the DD. WhichI'm aware sounds ironic.

Is dissociation helping you at all in day to day life?

My partner died very suddenly and unexpectedly 4 months ago. The dissociation has enabled me to stay very functional at a time I've needed to be there for my son and to keep going. It's not a long term solution. And it's likely not helping my own trauma therapy journey. But right now, it's helping me cope in the moment. Everything is very difficult.

 

[beaneeboo]

You asked why can’t I accept this. The answer is because you aren’t ready yet. I don’t believe we can force things, it happens slowly at its own pace.

thank you for acknowledging this... there's no amount of trying and conceptualising i can do to accept all this on an emotional level.... but I guess the therapeutic process is helping on some level to encourage me to look at things differently. Yes I am like you lol and do prefer complicated sophisticated answers !!

But I feel really good this morning and that’s because I’ve spent years talking myself out of feeling bad. I wanted to say something positive somewhere and I came upon this thread so there’s my 2 cents and I hope you’re feeling better.

Thank you very much I really appreciate that. I hope you are getting on well today too @Mach123 , sending positive vibes your way

 

[Mach123]

I agree completely with this. I don't like the term disorder. I think language is so important because it has so many subtle meanings behind it, often meanings we take on but don't notice. I think it could be called dissociative condition or dissociative mechanism or something, or response...

Yup. Though, i have to fully see it and accept first i guess to determine if it's still needed, would likely be what my T would say.

the last bit is hard. This is where my parts have more control than me in how they see and relate to the DD. WhichI'm aware sounds ironic.

My partner died very suddenly and unexpectedly 4 months ago. The dissociation has enabled me to stay very functional at a time I've needed to be there for my son and to keep going. It's not a long term solution. And it's likely not helping my own trauma therapy journey. But right now, it's helping me cope in the moment. Everything is very difficult.

I’m sorry for your loss.

 

[beaneeboo]

I’m sorry for your loss.

Thank you, I appreciate it alot