Can You Respect Your Abusive Parents?

[Hope4Now]

What is your opinion? Do you respect your abusive parents?

I respect that they did the best they could with the internal and external resources they had available to them. They were/are wounded and ill themselves. So I respect them in that they are complicated human beings struggling through just like the rest of us. I try to keep my heart open with compassion without taking on their energy. It is a ridiculously difficult job. Easier with my father because he is dead. Harder with my mother who is in my face (or ear/phone) seemingly constantly. She does not respect boundaries. But I have learned so much about her and myself as a result of my constant interactions with her, painful though they are. She is a constant reminder to me that what I experienced growing up was actually real.

I suppose I'd also add that one of the spiritual principles that guides my life is that I respect the worth and dignity of every human being. No matter what. This can be hard to do, but it certainly shifts ones relationships with people. I think that as I begin to respect my own worth and dignity (far more difficult for me), everything is getting better in some ways.

 

[shell]

I respect myself by not having any contact with them anymore, and cutting them out my life.

I don't think it is good for anyone to continue having contact with an abuser if they can't treat that person with respect, because it can lead to the victim repeating the abuse, and acting out their anger in unhealthy ways.

It makes them no longer the victim but the abuser, and prevents healing. My brother is acting out this relationship with my parents, he continues to hurt them for revenge, is depressed, suicidal and hates himself. He is not healing because he is so busy hating, and recreating his abuse.

 

[Eleanor]

I would echo what everyone else said. I think the english language makes this harder than it needs to be because there are three senses of "respect" operating here. There is a distinction between acting respectfully and feeling respect (in the sense of a kind of regard that recognizes their status as an equally valuable moral agent) for someone. Then there is the principle or ideal of "respect" which is a kind of ideal structure in relationships.

So for example @shell talks mainly about the action part - if one can't reliably maintain appropriate boundaries, then respect demands that one stay away - but doesn't say anything about respect in the sense of feeling respect/understanding/appreciation.

@Hope4Now talks about cultivating a feeling/opinion of respect and then working on the actions of respect. And then she adds a principle of respect to round it out.

As with so many things it is hard to really respect others until we respect ourselves.

My parents were neglectful - and they are accomplished and generally good people - so it is a different equation for me. At this point I get that they just missed a lot of stuff, and that is mainly because they missed it for themselves too. It is tragic, really, how this has ... stunted? their emotional lives. On the other hand they've made an awful lot out of what they can and do do. It is like they have an invisible handicap.

 

[anonymous]

Respecting people who abuse you isn't a sign of a good person. If anything, it's a sign of being a doormat.

Externalize it. Would you show respect for someone else who beat a child? Molested a child? Nope, I didn't think so.

 

[moonbeam]

Respect is something that is earned not automatically given. I don't respect my abusers. I believe everyone should be treated well and respectfully but that doesn't mean that I respect them. I mean don't treat people badly until they earn being treated well. That makes no sense. But respect for the individual should be earned. If that makes sense. Sorry, I'm having a shitty Wednesday.

However I do think you can respect someone and hate them at the same time. My colleague has said he respects Hitler, for his ability to speak publicly and was a good manipulator, but he also hates Hitler for obvious reasons.

That being said I don't think saying that you don't respect your parents means you can't respect anyone. I don't respect or love my father but I am capable of both respecting people and loving some people too. And it should be your choice not something culture or society dictates.

 

[Whitebird]

Thank you all for your wise replies. I think I should discuss the respect definition with my therapist.

 

[ihateusernames]

It would be hard for me to answer the question for the reason @Eleanor mentioned. There are different ways to look at the respect thing. Do I respect them by showing reverence or deference due to their position as elders or family members or something? No, I don't. My dad is no longer alive so non-issue, and my mom was a completely different person as soon as she was no longer around him so she has not been the way that she was for many years. We have a good, and I believe healthy relationship, but I will never be able to extend the same sort of reverential attitude toward her that I do my grandparents. For me, at least, that's the part that's earned. And the extremely poor way she chose to deal with her circumstances then places her in the realm of regular, flawed folks for me. (I know that everybody is flawed, it's just that not everybody's flaws had direct negative impact on me.)

Respect for them as humans, yeah, I have/had that. I think that part relates to having empathy and forgiveness for them.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

I hate the phrase "they did the best they could." For me these implies that there was nothing they could do better and even justifies their abuse behavior. I prefer "they did what they knew." This phrase shows understanding but doesn't mean it was right or justifiable. There is no justification for abuse. Abuse is abuse. I want to call it for what it is.

As for the post, no you don't have to respect them and you don't need to have contact with them. In my opinion, it is best to have temporary no contact while you are working on your healing and after that you can decide what you want to do.

 

[Melody coates]

do i respect my abusive mother? hell no! abusive parents love throwing that term around.

 

[permban0069]

Once my therapist told me if you don't respect your father ( my abuser ) and mother then you can't respect anyone.

REspect is earned...
I advise in regard to perpetrators and predators.
Look back at it
take what you learned
thank them for the lesson
and let the rest go
forever

They deserve to steal no more of your energy, your life force
let them be like strangers in a supermarket

I don't understand why you are being asked to continue to be a victim by 'behaving and behooving' or humbling and forgiving
there is no such word as forgiving predators in my world
Just
What did i learn
thanks for the lesson
and
Be gone, forever

 

[Whitebird]

@Anjiibe thank you so much for your response.

 

[ghotiff]

. He means I should talk to him ( my father ) in a good manner and set boundaries in an appropriate way, but I can't be assertive with him. I am usually aggressive or passive towards him.

I disagree. How does one set boundaries with an abuser. My abusers were outside the home, so they are now out of my life...but the definition of abuse is boundary violation. So how does one set healthy boundaries with a person like that.

I don't like this idea that you need to set boundaries with your abuser, and if you can't, that it's your problem. No, their inability to respect your boundaries is their problem.

This is emotionally charged for me so I might be wrong...I'd like to know if people agree or disagree with me.