Can You Respect Your Abusive Parents?

[Deleted member 28942]

@ghotiff I agree. People wouldn't tell a victim of kidnapping to just set boundaries with the kidnapper. Neither would they tell that to someone who escaped from a serial killer. They shouldn't expect us to do that with people on our life's who keep abusing and are not showing event the smallest amount of regret.

 

[The Albatross]

As an emancipated adult I can and did set boundaries with my abusive parents. This thread isn't about ambiguous situations or abusers outside of the home, it's about parents. I was though self supporting and not reliant on them in any way, shape or form... if they wanted relationship, the status quo had to change, and it did. In return, I afford them respect.

There is more than one way to look at something, I personally chose the personal sense of responsibility and my own character development. Some do, some, don't, some sit on the fence unless or until they have to choose. It's all unique and personal. It is though what works for me.

 

[ms spock]

Once my therapist told me if you don't respect your father ( my abuser ) and mother then you can't respect anyone.

The Catholic Church that I grew up in respected the priests and forgave the priests that were sexually abusing children, and this enabled them to sexually abuse for decades and decades.

So, no, I don't respect my parents.

 

[ms spock]

Your therapist seems to have an idealistic view in my opinion.

Actually it sounds like your therapist has their own agenda, like religion or reinforcing stereotypes of the family.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

@The Albatross I'm glad your parents decided to respect your boundaries and were willing to change and improve the relationship. However, some parents are not willing to do that. I tried with my parents and it all backfired on me. All the abuse from when I was a child exploded again.

I believe it is a personal decision and people should not be forced to do it because someone else or society dictates so. If people decide to that and it works for them then that is great but it doesn't work for everyone.

Susan Forward had a good discussion on this topic in her book Toxic Parents.

 

[ms spock]

As an emancipated adult I can and did set boundaries with my abusive parents. This thread isn't about ambiguous situations or abusers outside of the home, it's about parents. I was though self supporting and not reliant on them in any way, shape or form... if they wanted relationship, the status quo had to change, and it did. In return, I afford them respect.

I think this is noble, and I would love to have gone down this path. It was not for me. But I am so impressed that you did this and you made a whole lot of choices to manage the situation with your mother. And you continue to do every day and every week.

There is more than one way to look at something, I personally chose the personal sense of responsibility and my own character development.

I hope to do this in other areas of my life.

 

[ms spock]

A person with integrity is honest, trustworthy and authentic. They are also respectful of others and have a strong sense of personal responsibility.

I need to develop this more.

The respect comes through in all situations, even during times of conflict or criticism.

I tend to feel righteous and attack when I feel taken advantage of, abused, used, have my boundaries violated. So I need to do a lot of work on this one. Or I just cut off everyone in the situation. It is a long term pattern.

 

[LilacMoon]

In my case, absolutely not. I do not even acknowledge my father in real life and I would not invite him (for any occasion) to any event in my life (including a wedding) for all the money in the world. Not even on his (or my) deathbed.
There is this age-old 'rule' to 'respect' your parents (that some people still force themselves to abide by). However, I do not allow any toxic people in my life. No exceptions.
Just because someone happens to be related to you does not give them a 'get out jail free card' for past transgressions (or future ones). Especially when they are a person (like my narcissist father) who will never admit or acknowledge any wrong-doing (much less ever be remorseful about it).
With my mother, on the other hand, was (and is) a (functioning) alcoholic (which began when my father first started abusing her), this again does not excuse her from everything she did to me.
I do have some degree of empathy for her (witnessing what she endured while I was growing up), and therefore I am cordial to her, for the sake of being polite. Although to this day, she will never admit either to any fault (or things she did to me growing up). That is why (in her case) I may speak to her once or twice a year (on holidays) with a phone call, but that is the most she will ever get from me.
When a person shows absolutely no remorse (or acknowledgement) for (repeated) wrongdoings they did to you, you do not owe them anything.
If you tiptoe around things or ignore it (playing along and acting like years of terrible things never even happened), you are basically saying it was all 'ok'. And it's not.
I cannot un-do the past, but my future belongs to me. I respect myself enough to know that and stick to it.