Cannot Deal With My Mother

[hazen]

Sethe, it sounds like you are processing and going thru some truly horrible stuff, and I think BloomInWinter is exactly right... you are having justified feelings and you don't need to feel guilty.

I also feel a great amount of empathy for you as my parents moved to be one mile away from me after I left home, and I am recently coming to understand what horrible, awful parents they were (and that is very difficult for me to say too). I shouldn't feel guilty for admitting that after what they put me thru, right? I can't go to sleep without a ball of anxiety in my chest that is telling me I am going to get beaten. I shouldn't feel guilty for admitting that that is horrible!

So let's both try to shed our guilt!

 

[Sethe]

Wow. I think I'm moving into the realm of 'hugdom' (wanting to offer hugs, but kind of scared to).

 

[Nicolette]

So let's both try to shed our guilt!

You can ask Anthony; I did after an event on Mother's Day last year and Anthony says I am better for it. A huge ton of bricks lifted off my shoulders as I could stop worrying, dreading the phone ringing, analyzing the consequence of everything I did in case they found out and so on. Very healing and empowering and I have no regrets.

I can't change my siblings views as they have now shut me out but that is the collateral damage of them growing up differently to me (except for one sister) and their choices to believe what they want based on their experiences. I miss my nieces and wish I could be a part of their life as they are innocent but I can't pay the associated price and stay sane.

Nothing is free in life and I choose my mental state over a relationship. People look at me strange when they ask about my family and I say I don't see them or have no idea how they are.......... I just say you wouldn't understand and leave it at that.

I have my family - my son, my husband and step children.

 

[Reclusive]

I am so with you. I'm in a similar position as you right now with my father. I don't have any advice for you, just sympathy and open ears. You're certainly not alone here, as you can see.

Be well, and take care of yourself.

 

[SimplyComplex]

My mother supported my extremely violent and destructive father (think furniture-breaking), while vilifying him and haranguing him for being mentally ill. Anytime I showed the slightest emotion that reminded her of him she condemned me to be just as sick and ill as he was. She never hit me physically.
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My mom did the same thing (((((Sethe))))) My mom was very sick, but very good at hiding it. My dad was very sick and rage-fully angry (some of it was from constant button pushing on mom's part, because he was so sick, he was no match against her). But every time I had emotion, or fought back against her, she would say I was just like him and I was abusing her.

When I "told" my T, the first time I had really "told" on her...I spent the rest of my day curled in a ball listening to the same song over and over. The guilt was intense. But you are holding the shame that is hers, not yours. You can refuse to hold it any longer. It feels wrong to tell because we are trained from early childhood to hold the guilt and shame. But it is not your job.

 

[Sethe]

I'm sorry SC. I'm sorry anyone went through this crap.

 

[Sethe]

I've been reading about narcissistic mothers. She fits the 'engulfing' model. I'm not sure what this all means to me emotionally. Maybe my denial wall is crumbling. I feel pretty raw about all of this. Maybe it's because I used to think my mother was the 'healthy' one.

Not a chance.