Can't Do This Life Anymore!

[Recovery4Me]

Forgive myself for the childhood abuse? I know I feel a lot of shame. I feel everyone can see this sexually abused person. I feel so much different than everyone else.

It sounds odd doesn't it and that was not particularly what I was referring. I was actually trying to acknowledge your sentence within your first post as follows:

I can't keep hurting the people I love.

~~~~~~
And yet, if truth be told from my end was some seriously hard therapy work needed for me to forgive myself because of the shame based behaviors I wrongfully assumed from my childhood sexual abuse. I was the victim but I carried the shame.

I felt shame over that dirty feel, the shame at my anger at my Higher Power, the shame from thinking I must have deserved it (all pre-therapy work). However the vast list was etched very deeply in my heart and I had shame over my having shame too. :banghead:

So yes, forgiving myself for being a victim of torture, being sexually abused, kidnaps and repeated rape as a child was also part of the forgiveness package in my moving forward.

Take what you need and leave the rest.~

 

[Notsowild]

I hear you. Life won't be perfect, but it sure is harder to deal with. I have been feeling similarly lately. But I keep on plunging ahead because there's got to be more than seemingly constant pain and suffering. I hope you can find ways to make your life feel more hopeful.

Thank you JEK I know it's been tough for you too. I wanted to ask you about the out-patient program you attended. Was it just for PTSD? I remember you saying it was rough on you. Did you find it helped at all? I'm asking because I was going to ask my psychiatrist about it tomorrow. Thinking of you.

 

[anthony]

Have you ever had anger issues?

I am ex-Army... it comes part and parcel. I was trained to be angry... PTSD just makes it worse. Yet I have learnt to control it, reduce it even, stop it from occurring to begin with, simply from how I choose to view something in front of me.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@Notsowild - The out-patient program was rough for the very two days. It got slightly better throughout the first week. It was not specifically for PTSD, so I took what I could. It did help. I was not able to consider the possibility of learning skills before this program (even though my therapist tried). The format was more like classes and I like going to classes so it helped me be able to be open to most of it. I still struggled with some things. It also helped me be able to identify my feelings. I couldn't really do that before. I knew all the feeling words- I teach them to my students when we study characters. But when it came to myself, I couldn't tell you how I felt. Now I can usually do it, if I give myself some time to consider it or look at the list and descriptions I got from the program. I have become more of an advocate for my needs as a result, though I still question a lot of what I do. I had to do some extra work to "make the program work for me", but in the end I was able to do that and that's why I got something out of it. The staff all commented that on my "graduation" day. I couldn't conform to all of their routines and structures so I made some compromises (like rating my mood for the day on a 1-10 scale- I would either leave it blank or choose two numbers and sometimes actually choose just one- this was not their usual routine, but I was trying and so they let me do this).

In the beginning, before I even started, my therapist and I talked a lot about how if I didn't like the program and it wasn't helping me, I could stop doing it. This was tricky because that would seem wrong to me and I have a hard time feeling wrong. But I kept telling myself this and checking in via e-mail with my therapist for the first couple of weeks. It definitely wasn't a cure all and I didn't expect it to be, but it did help. However, I know that these kinds of programs can go either way. Hope this helps you.

 

[Digz]

Since then I've been putting up with this abusive boss who instead of being understanding, she trying anything in her power to get me fired. So my stress cup is overflowing. Do you work?

Unfortunately there are plenty of people in this world who still have no understanding of mental health issues and no empathy. It doesn't really sound like your boss is going to change. Is it possible for you to make a change? Not an immediate one, but a planned one to another job?
Yes, I do work. I am a teacher. I find it easier working now than I did a couple of years ago, but there are unfortunately still some days that are very hard. I have had two days off work already this year due to a trigger. Some days you can only do what you can do and you have to look after yourself if you are feeling very unwell.