Can't relax enough for meditation

[Lis2075]

Hi guys,

I started Cognitive and Behavioral Therapy to heal from past abuse. My T teaches me to relax through guided meditation and asks me to do it everyday on my own thanks to the record of her voice she made and gave me.

It all works pretty well when I'm with her, but it's impossible when I'm not. The problem is I'm supposed to do it everyday to be able to relax enough to get to the heart of the matter : talking about the abuse. But even when I'm alone in bed, door closed, I feel like letting myself go is too dangerous and someone is going to physically take advantage of me for not being on guard anymore. In the everyday life, my tense muscles and my eyes screening for danger reassure me about me being prepared for any "bad surprise". But every time I close my eyes and start listening to the meditation record, I feel like someone is actually going to get on top of me and severely block me (that's what my ex-bf did to physically pressure me into sex last year), my heart gets tight and I feel like choking (even though I'm not at all). I feel like even the 2 first seconds of relaxing could lead to great danger.

Any advice ?

All the best !

 

[Joan]

no advice, but you are not alone in the struggle. there are too many intrusive thoughts that invade the time for "meditation"...I keep trying,

 

[Fadeaway]

There are many different types of meditation. The relaxing and clearing your mind is advance mode. Start by focusing on counting or focusing on an object then closing your eyes and trying to picture that object in your mind. Aim for 30 seconds. When you catch your mind wandering and bring it back to focus on the mental image, that means you are doing it right.

 

[EveHarrington]

Closing your eyes could be part of the problem. I can't calm down if my eyes are closed as one of my senses is essentially gone and leaves me feeling less safe. Maybe try to meditate with your eyes open?

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I was going to suggest a different type of meditation too. Or maybe mindful yoga? Walking meditation is great you basically walk and try to stay in the moment with the sensations of walking and the noise you hear your breath any of it or all of it.

 

[EmmaOwl]

Attempting to meditate gives me panic attacks. I haven't managed to work with some PTSD therapies that require that and/or "safe spaces" - because I have no safe space.

I understand what you mean about being on alert. How to combat that? <shrug> I wish I had a way around it. It is, as you say, a "letting go"... to me, that's scary.

Have you talked with your therapist, that guided meditation with her works, but not at home? She might have some suggestions for you.

If she insists on meditation you might have to look elsewhere :( But it's quite possible she will come up with an alternative or a work-around... Good luck!

 

[highwaybeauty]

Hi guys,

I started Cognitive and Behavioral Therapy to heal from past abuse. My T teaches me to relax...

Of course it would be difficult to "relax" and let your guard down if you have been subject to trauma. It sounds as though the fear is really strong for you. Meditation is really really tough. I have found that taking baby steps has helped. As in starting with 10 seconds, and then 20 seconds, and then 30 seconds. Starting really small and building it up very slowly. Be kind to yourself :) medication is difficult for the average person let alone someone who has experienced trauma. You will get there :)

HB x

 

[whiteraven]

Lots of folks are unable to do any sort of meditation with their eyes closed. Also, as has already been mentioned, there are different types of meditation. I do mindfulness primarily, which is not so much about relaxation (although it ends up having that effect), but about present awareness. And you can do mindfulness during absolutely ANY activity. The more skilled you get, the more at peace you become in everyday situations. And, what I found, was that it has led me to be able to explore other things I wasn't able to do before.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I had to learn how to comfortably do what I call meditation in motion before I was able to comfortably sit still and try it.

However, I didn't learn that until well after I kept repeatedly thinking I was failing miserably at it since I couldn't sit through it.

It could be anything from a nature walk, to a coloring book, to writing a letter, to hula-hooping, to wild foraging or gardening, etc. Whatever feels right in the moment.

Learning that the ultimate goal wasn't to have a totally quiet mind helped, too.

I now reserve quiet meditation time for bath time, first thing in the morning, or right before bed, when I'm already being still and quiet.

 

[EmmaOwl]

I had to learn how to comfortably do what I call meditation in motion before I was able to c...

Meditation in motion! That sounds very sensible, TT... To be 100% honest, your description here is the first time I've ever even imagined I could complete any kind of meditative experience. Others have told me I need to listen to the right music, or come up with the right mantra - recently I was told that a 4/7 beat to my breathing was guaranteed to calm me down! They said "Look on YouTube" and I'm thinking: You idiot. I sat on my bedroom floor at the age of 16, having flashbacks and.... other disturbances, and now you're telling me to look on YOUTUBE? I gave up on that person - although I tried to be nice b/c his intentions were good.

Learning that the ultimate goal wasn't to have a totally quiet mind helped, too.

Perfect. Having a quiet mind terrifies me! I need SOMETHING going around in my head, and if all I'm concentrating on is my breath.... Well I don't know if severe asthma while I was growing up makes me feel differently. I just came up with that, and it's possible - a rush to the ER, being encouraged to take long deep breaths of vaporized medication, when my extremities were numb and my fingernails were starting to turn blue, was not terribly calming. Although they try to calm you so you don't hyperventilate, they have no choice but to give you stimulants, to open up the airways.

Even putting that aside, though, aiming for a clear mind, I feel that it sets me up, leaves me open and unprotected to the most disturbing experiences of my life. I need to have *something* in mind to keep the bad stuff at bay. I have had nightmares every night, for all of my adult life. About 20 years. (Maybe once a year I'll have a great dream...which is an amazing experience! Not a good trade-off, though ;) ) Hands moving is a good thing.

To me, sleep means nightmares. To me, sleep means giving up my consciousness, and leaving me vulnerable, open to the unprotected, frightening experiences of my subconscious mind.

To me, meditation is an awful lot like sleep! Having to give up my iron will, to give in to this constant struggle of keeping disturbances away.

It could be anything from a nature walk, to a coloring book, to writing a letter, to hula-hooping, to wild foraging or gardening, etc. Whatever feels right in the moment.

Fantastic. You know, once in a great while, things click in a big way? This clicked, @Tornadic Thoughts, and I am incredibly grateful to have learned some of your thoughts and experiences on this topic.

 

[shimmerz]

Not sure if this would be helpful or not.

Van Der Kolk On Mindfulness And Why It May Cause Dissociation

 

[whiteraven]

Not sure if this would be helpful or not.

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Yeah, I think it depends on a number of factors. But definitely without very good support and a lot of consistency (which isn't always possible when you're in a bad place), it's not always doable for some people.

The therapist that I was seeing is trained specifically in MBSR (with Kabat-Zinn and others), works predominantly with veterans with PTSD, does research with vets at the VA and also with children with mindfulness and functional MRIs, and has seen a pretty high rate of success. I have DID and, although I initially dissociated all the time when I was first introduced to meditation (way before I met this therapist), with consistent training and practice and therapy, it became THE thing that saved me.