Can't Stop Being Angry

[Tazumm]

Before I was med boarded out, I was never an angry person. Even when I had to smoke my soldiers for doing something wrong or when I would get yelled at, I was never angry. I've never blown up at people, I've never been hostile, never had road rage...back then it was pretty much impossible to get me angry or upset. I could just brush it off and move on.

I'm not that person anymore. And I hate who I am now. I've been out for just over 4 years now, tried the college thing and basically wasted my gi bill due to failing classes cussing out teachers, and eventually dropped out. I'm a shut in, I rarely leave the house, I don't do social, I've cut myself off from the few friends I had here. I only leave the house to get food and each time is a test to see who I might explode at next.

I recently decided to move back to my hometown in western NY. Living in Colorado Springs, there are way too many people, I don't know them and I don't like anyone here. My hometown has around 10k people, most of my high school friends are there, and I have family there. I figured that would be a better place to be, better support, maybe feel safer.

When I moved to Colorado I bought a house, at the time I planned on staying here for good. This was to be my retirement home after I did my 20+ in. I got a realtor in CO and one in NY, I drove back to NY to look at houses, found one and caught up with a few old friends. I honestly cannot remember the last time I felt that safe and relaxed. It was like something inside me telling me this was where I was supposed to be.

My house in CO is under contract now, but I may have lost my realtor and possibly the contract. I've blown up at my realtor in CO 3 times now, mostly for not being as detailed with me about the process as I'd like. Yesterday was the inspection for the buyers, I left the house for awhile as the realtor asked, but came back early because my back pain was acting up. I found the realtor, inspector, and the buyers in the house. I wasn't told the buyer would be there. They have a young son around 5 years old, during the showing he fell down the stairs and the horrid parents didn't seem to care. He cried a lot. One of my biggest triggers is kids, especially the young ones, especially when they cry. I spent a year with a deployed hospital as the S6 ncoic and saw all the bad things that happen to kids in Iraq. I try to avoid children whenever I can.

Again the buyers weren't paying attention to their son and he opened the back door and let my dogs in, they don't know kids, they tackled him and he cried. I nearly ran out of the house. Later that day I noticed the inspector for some reason took the handle off one of the toilets, don't know why, but it was an easy fix. I snapped. I called the realtor and left a very rude and pissed off voicemail.

This is how I am now, the smallest, dumbest things I snap. I feel deep down if I stay in CO I will end up in the psych ward again (ended up there while I was still in for cutting myself), or worse. I know that if I go home I will feel better, but I can't stop being angry at my realtor, the buyers, or anyone. I've apologized to my realtor multiple times, I've tried to explain the way my head works, but if I can't calm down, then I may never leave here.

I've also blown up at my loan officer for no real reason other than a typo on my loan application. I blew up at the realtor in NY for signing my contract for me, later remembering that I did in fact sign it myself. I've blown up at my mom, who has stress related epilepsy and caused more seizures in her in the past few weeks than she's had in a year.

I don't like being angry, It's not me. I don't know who this person is that keeps yelling at everyone. I don't know why I road rage on someone for not using a turn signal. I can't calm myself down anymore, whenever I'd get like this before, I'd play a game, kill some zombies, binge netflix, or read something. None of those distractions work anymore.

Right now I want to take a sledge hammer to my whole house and tell the buyers they can take it like that or go to hell. I've even gotten angry at my dogs just for being on the couch and almost got violent with them.

I don't know what to do...all I know is I can't be here anymore. I want to just get in my truck and drive east and never look back, I don't care about my stuff. I don't want to be angry anymore, I don't like how it makes me feel. I hate everyone in the world now, and most of all myself. I'm not suicidal, but I also don't want to hurt others verbally or otherwise.

 

[Terrier]

@Tazumm - been there done that... I went thru the whole real estate thing last year. Sold 2 houses and bought one. I got so angry with my realtor who was selling one of them, I just hung up... I got to the point where I didn't care if the damn place sold or not.

Some suggestions.... Take a really long walk, and take your dogs with you, too. Do something that requires a lot of physical exertion. I'm limited in what I can do, back just about everything, but find something that you can work off the anger. It does help. Maybe punching bag, lifting weights, running really hard, riding a bike. Pent up aggression is hard, please find a good way to get rid of it.

Many a day I want to kill people just for breathing... I've isolated myself as well, but to be honest, that doesn't help me. It would be really nice if I had a good friend who I could talk with about the anger, but alas, my friends here walked away. I moved back to what I called home because I thought I had a good support system, turned out not to be that case.

Hoping your friends stick by you, they are crucial to your well being. Also, if you don't have counselor find one asap. Worst case, call the hotline and talk with someone about the anger.

You are not alone, reach out to any of us, either on the forum or private conversation. We are all here to help each other. Keep the faith.

 

[Tazumm]

Thanks for the suggestion, I'd love to do something physical but like you I have a bad back among other issues so the things I used to do to relieve stress like running I can't do anymore. The other day I attempted some push-ups to work off some of the anger and stress and was in a world of pain after between my back and having a bad shoulder as well.

Up until about two months ago I was using medical marijuana to deal with my anger issues, it's very easy to get in CO and worked very nicely. I quit as it's not easy to get in NY so I'm told. That was two months ago and I just haven't been able to find a healthy alternative to dealing with stress and anger. I'm not a fan of meds in general, before I got out of the Army they had me on so much junk I rarely knew where I was or what day of the week it was. I don't want to be like that again. I've told the VA here that I'm not into meds, and specifically told them I will not to any opiods (there is a history of pain killer addiction in my family), the VA docs seemed surprised when I refused all those meds. All I take now is Zoloft for anxiety and flexeril and naproxen for pain. None of those do much, but at least I know who I am and where I am. I'd rather hurt than be living in a cloud. And most ptsd meds don't seem to work on me for long if at all. I've been on just about everything in the past. I had a wonderful therapist before I was out of the Army, I was doing better and the EMDR was helping a lot, but of course the VA wouldn't cover the costs of that provider as he wasn't in their network.

Long story short, I haven't found a good way to deal with the anger that doesn't hurt like hell.

I'd love to have a counselor/therapist again and that's one of the first things I'm going to try and do after the move. Here in CO the VA is utterly useless, if I'm lucky I can see my primary care once a year, a shrink maybe twice a year and the last VA therapist I had about two years ago I stopped seeing because he wasn't paying attention to me, he was too busy texting to listen to me. In my hometown in NY there is a newer VA clinic, smaller, but I have a high school friend who was in the Army for 7 years before he blew out his knee, and a family friend who is a Vietnam Vet there as well. Both tell me the clinic there is quite good and they can see Dr's and therapists at a fairly regular frequency. That's just one of the many reasons I have to move in the first place.

I found out last night that my realtor whom I've blown up at 3 times now doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. I totally understand that. But she is simply moving my home selling to another realtor in her office rather than dropping me all together, that I can deal with. Also I'm told this new realtor is a male, I generally seem to work with males over females for some reason. I never could understand the reasoning in that.

 

[Terrier]

I'm the same way about the meds. I was on so many I didn't know what day it was or where I was. I take nothing now... As for the exercise, I ride a special three wheeled recumbent bike. It is easy on the back, arms and shoulders. Maybe the VA will be able to help find one for you, they aren't cheap. Look into rec therapy when you get settled in NY.

As for the realtor, no loss. Mine finally only texted with me after the last bad conversation. Text was better since I could ignore her when I was pissed! I was so glad when the sale was finalized, she never said a word to me to thank me or congratulate me on selling, just silence. Of course I'd never recommend her again. Do the best you can to get thru the process and put it behind you. It is a stressful process for anyone, but for me it was horrible. Deep breath!

Talk on here anytime, or send a private conversation if you don't want to share.

Keep the faith, Brother, you are NOT alone.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

When you wake up in the morning do you wake up angry?
When you wake up and the negative insurgency of thoughts arise and attack your mind you've got to practice on telling each and every negative thought to f*ck off. (Not literally one by one, just let them pass don't dwell in them, acknowledge them as they come up, forgive yourself, give it to the higher power and let it go.) You might be saturated in these past down falls and perceived errors of how life should have been or have turned out. Or who you are is this 20 year plus veteran even throw out this notion and come back to the status of just simply being here. Right here in the moment not worrying to death and fuming on old shit any longer. Then you can start to be happy. Refuse the negative. Regain the moment.

 

[BaMuoiBa]

Taz, welcome!

You've got a lot of good suggestions to ponder. As someone who failed 3 anger management courses I feel your pain.

Long story short, I haven't found a good way to deal with the anger that doesn't hurt like hell.

Well, neither have I, but have gotten better at it with the help of a therapist. Listen, you have done your 20 and have a very low threshold for incompetence and you'll need patience to deal with it which requires time. The whole secret for me was to develop a long fuse by quenching it before it blows. I found that in most situations it's like getting invited to the fights, but the whole secret is NOT to get in the RING! This is especially crucial on the phone. When I feel the safety about to lift a quick "can I call you back, I have an urgent call that needs my attention" Think you response through and get back to the party. Once I calm down the solution becomes clear and I deal with it. I come to realize that ALL my stuff is so important to me and I forget that the other party does not have my priorities on their radar at all. I hate being argumentative but it's in my DNA I suppose. Also I found that most shit is just NOT that important and in the end I have to ask myself - would I rather be right or would I rather be happy.

There is a lot of good Vet Centers back east NY/NJ. Many of the T's are combat vets and know of what we speak. Good Luck!

Ba

 

[vikingr24]

I have found meditation to be really helpful not only with anger but panic attacks that I get frequently. Never had them before and they scare the s*** out of me sometimes. I take 1 mg of Ativan and it helps if I cannot control it.

Flexoril by the way is a great drug for muscle cramps but it will make you dopey depending on mgs.

I avoided the drug thing for a while but I am back. I would hate to list them. Like looking at a row of mug shots. Pain is the problem with me. I have done well with anger with a few roaring exceptions.

 

[SaharaSon]

Before I was med boarded out, I was never an angry person. Even when I had to smoke my soldiers for doing something wrong or when I would get yelled at, I was never angry. I've never blown up at people, I've never been hostile, never had road rage...back then it was pretty much impossible to get me angry or upset. I could just brush it off and move on.

I'm not that person anymore. And I hate who I am now. I've been out for just over 4 years now, tried the college thing and basically wasted my gi bill due to failing classes cussing out teachers, and eventually dropped out. I'm a shut in, I rarely leave the house, I don't do social, I've cut myself off from the few friends I had here. I only leave the house to get food and each time is a test to see who I might explode at next.

I recently decided to move back to my hometown in western NY. Living in Colorado Springs, there are way too many people, I don't know them and I don't like anyone here. My hometown has around 10k people, most of my high school friends are there, and I have family there. I figured that would be a better place to be, better support, maybe feel safer.

When I moved to Colorado I bought a house, at the time I planned on staying here for good. This was to be my retirement home after I did my 20+ in. I got a realtor in CO and one in NY, I drove back to NY to look at houses, found one and caught up with a few old friends. I honestly cannot remember the last time I felt that safe and relaxed. It was like something inside me telling me this was where I was supposed to be.

My house in CO is under contract now, but I may have lost my realtor and possibly the contract. I've blown up at my realtor in CO 3 times now, mostly for not being as detailed with me about the process as I'd like. Yesterday was the inspection for the buyers, I left the house for awhile as the realtor asked, but came back early because my back pain was acting up. I found the realtor, inspector, and the buyers in the house. I wasn't told the buyer would be there. They have a young son around 5 years old, during the showing he fell down the stairs and the horrid parents didn't seem to care. He cried a lot. One of my biggest triggers is kids, especially the young ones, especially when they cry. I spent a year with a deployed hospital as the S6 ncoic and saw all the bad things that happen to kids in Iraq. I try to avoid children whenever I can.

Again the buyers weren't paying attention to their son and he opened the back door and let my dogs in, they don't know kids, they tackled him and he cried. I nearly ran out of the house. Later that day I noticed the inspector for some reason took the handle off one of the toilets, don't know why, but it was an easy fix. I snapped. I called the realtor and left a very rude and pissed off voicemail.

This is how I am now, the smallest, dumbest things I snap. I feel deep down if I stay in CO I will end up in the psych ward again (ended up there while I was still in for cutting myself), or worse. I know that if I go home I will feel better, but I can't stop being angry at my realtor, the buyers, or anyone. I've apologized to my realtor multiple times, I've tried to explain the way my head works, but if I can't calm down, then I may never leave here.

I've also blown up at my loan officer for no real reason other than a typo on my loan application. I blew up at the realtor in NY for signing my contract for me, later remembering that I did in fact sign it myself. I've blown up at my mom, who has stress related epilepsy and caused more seizures in her in the past few weeks than she's had in a year.

I don't like being angry, It's not me. I don't know who this person is that keeps yelling at everyone. I don't know why I road rage on someone for not using a turn signal. I can't calm myself down anymore, whenever I'd get like this before, I'd play a game, kill some zombies, binge netflix, or read something. None of those distractions work anymore.

Right now I want to take a sledge hammer to my whole house and tell the buyers they can take it like that or go to hell. I've even gotten angry at my dogs just for being on the couch and almost got violent with them.

I don't know what to do...all I know is I can't be here anymore. I want to just get in my truck and drive east and never look back, I don't care about my stuff. I don't want to be angry anymore, I don't like how it makes me feel. I hate everyone in the world now, and most of all myself. I'm not suicidal, but I also don't want to hurt others verbally or otherwise.

Tazumm, one way to look at anger, is that it is pent up energy. Use that energy to go help someone else. Go help your elderly neighbor(s) clean their yard, mow their yard. Go help some young kids learn algebra that they are failing. Go help a struggling vet build a ramp for their entrance, Go coach kids baseball, or football who don't have a dad around. Go to the the local pound and volunteer. Don't do it just for them,which you are, but do it for yourself. And when you are done, go help someone else, keep doing it. You won't have time to be angry. Its like the saying "Idle hands are the devil's workshop". Think outside of yourself. There are alot of other hurting people out there. I have a feeling you will start feeling better and get more positive vibes. Do it without expecting anything in return except internal peace. And you will get it. You have alot of energy, use it. Shalom.

 

[donald ayers]

Before I was med boarded out, I was never an angry person. Even when I had to smoke my soldiers for doing something wrong or when I would get yelled at, I was never angry. I've never blown up at people, I've never been hostile, never had road rage...back then it was pretty much impossible to get me angry or upset. I could just brush it off and move on.

I'm not that person anymore. And I hate who I am now. I've been out for just over 4 years now, tried the college thing and basically wasted my gi bill due to failing classes cussing out teachers, and eventually dropped out. I'm a shut in, I rarely leave the house, I don't do social, I've cut myself off from the few friends I had here. I only leave the house to get food and each time is a test to see who I might explode at next.

I recently decided to move back to my hometown in western NY. Living in Colorado Springs, there are way too many people, I don't know them and I don't like anyone here. My hometown has around 10k people, most of my high school friends are there, and I have family there. I figured that would be a better place to be, better support, maybe feel safer.

When I moved to Colorado I bought a house, at the time I planned on staying here for good. This was to be my retirement home after I did my 20+ in. I got a realtor in CO and one in NY, I drove back to NY to look at houses, found one and caught up with a few old friends. I honestly cannot remember the last time I felt that safe and relaxed. It was like something inside me telling me this was where I was supposed to be.

My house in CO is under contract now, but I may have lost my realtor and possibly the contract. I've blown up at my realtor in CO 3 times now, mostly for not being as detailed with me about the process as I'd like. Yesterday was the inspection for the buyers, I left the house for awhile as the realtor asked, but came back early because my back pain was acting up. I found the realtor, inspector, and the buyers in the house. I wasn't told the buyer would be there. They have a young son around 5 years old, during the showing he fell down the stairs and the horrid parents didn't seem to care. He cried a lot. One of my biggest triggers is kids, especially the young ones, especially when they cry. I spent a year with a deployed hospital as the S6 ncoic and saw all the bad things that happen to kids in Iraq. I try to avoid children whenever I can.

Again the buyers weren't paying attention to their son and he opened the back door and let my dogs in, they don't know kids, they tackled him and he cried. I nearly ran out of the house. Later that day I noticed the inspector for some reason took the handle off one of the toilets, don't know why, but it was an easy fix. I snapped. I called the realtor and left a very rude and pissed off voicemail.

This is how I am now, the smallest, dumbest things I snap. I feel deep down if I stay in CO I will end up in the psych ward again (ended up there while I was still in for cutting myself), or worse. I know that if I go home I will feel better, but I can't stop being angry at my realtor, the buyers, or anyone. I've apologized to my realtor multiple times, I've tried to explain the way my head works, but if I can't calm down, then I may never leave here.

I've also blown up at my loan officer for no real reason other than a typo on my loan application. I blew up at the realtor in NY for signing my contract for me, later remembering that I did in fact sign it myself. I've blown up at my mom, who has stress related epilepsy and caused more seizures in her in the past few weeks than she's had in a year.

I don't like being angry, It's not me. I don't know who this person is that keeps yelling at everyone. I don't know why I road rage on someone for not using a turn signal. I can't calm myself down anymore, whenever I'd get like this before, I'd play a game, kill some zombies, binge netflix, or read something. None of those distractions work anymore.

Right now I want to take a sledge hammer to my whole house and tell the buyers they can take it like that or go to hell. I've even gotten angry at my dogs just for being on the couch and almost got violent with them.

I don't know what to do...all I know is I can't be here anymore. I want to just get in my truck and drive east and never look back, I don't care about my stuff. I don't want to be angry anymore, I don't like how it makes me feel. I hate everyone in the world now, and most of all myself. I'm not suicidal, but I also don't want to hurt others verbally or otherwise.

Hello, how are you. My name is Donald and I have lived with PTSD since 83. I was in Panama in 78 and Beirut in 82-83 . I was a very angry and mentally worn out Marine at the time of my discharge in83. I spent almost all my time hurting people mentally and physically mostly physically.I at the time didn't know about PTSD or how it would effect my life. I went untreated until 07 . In the meantime I had lost everything in my life, wife, kids, home, cars, family all that, because of anger AND running away. I thought I acted normal until 07 . So I guess I am saying this. Get any kind of help you can with your PTSD, meds,whatever it takes.AND do not let it make you run , do not let it take everything from you. Make your stand and defeat it to the point that you can have a life. It will never go away but you can carve you out a spot and have a life.

 

[SaharaSon]

Very, very well stated Donald. You have got it right. The beast may never completely disappear, but there can be an awlful lot of bright light at the end of tunnel. It is a fight. It seems like you have come a long way. Keep it up. Shalom.

 

[SaharaSon]

Viking, that last line of yours about a few "roaring exceptions" left me laughing hard for a while, because that applies to me too. I am getting better, but d*mn there are a lot of crazy people who really want to seriously jerk my chain every now and then, for no reason. Why? I mean I am minding my own business and some clown out of nowhere want to jump in my sh*t hard. I mean what the h*ll is that all about? I mean its like people are looking for trouble. I have had several near misses, fortunately nobody got hurt (read that as sleeping with fishes). Oh well, life go on. I am trying hard, and getting better at handling that jazz. Thanks for the hard laugh. Shalom.

 

[Raven]

Get your ass to the range.

ETA: Please don't come to WNY. It's miserable here. Why the f*ck are there no hills? Why haven't these people heard of hills? And we had two tornadoes yesterday. Oh, and the gun laws are bullshit.

I too wish to run east sometimes, back to the City that kills the weak and rewards the sleepless.