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I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship for 6 months. I left when I moved back from college. That's not what I am thinking about today however. About a year later when I was ready to date again I met a guy and he was worse than my ex! He was horrible and a racist to boot ( I am Hispanic and he said racist things about Hispanics). I only "dated" him for about a week but for some reason I can't stop thinking about the things he said to me today.
I just feel like if two guys back to back were the same way am I the problem? I feel like I won't ever be good enough to be treated properly. I think that's why I have avoided dating for a long time. I just feel like every guy gets mean once he is in a relationship with you. I just don't see the point in bothering.
The majority of guys who think they are nice guys, are NOT nice guys. Men are not taught how to treat women. Worse, they look to media for examples, and let's be honest, the types of guys that the media portrays as the ones that get the girl, is unrealistic, and causes men to be bitter towards women.
Hi twinkle30, I'm sorry you've had these horrible experiences. Sending you virtual hugs! I can relate. I feel like I've been in so many unhealthy and (physically and emotionally) abusive relationships - many of which I didn't realise at the time. Sometimes I also feel like as the common denominator I must be the problem or I internalise some of the things they have said. I.e. That it's my fault that they attacked me.
I think it's so messed up that that these are the people I was attracted to. And it's hard because I think I've been attracted to the kind of people who are harming, attractive, intelligent, assertive and eloquent. I'm not sure why those are the men I'm attracted to - maybe it's because I was taught by other people, media etc that was what I was supposed to find attractive. But then they would try to control me, and take advantage of the power imbalance between us - whether it was an age difference of physical strength.
But we have to remind ourselves and keep reminding ourselves that abuse is never our fault. I think the solution is learning that it is ok to not be in a relationship - and your value doesn't come from being with someone else. And learning to love yourself and respect yourself. And expecting others to respect you and your boundaries too. And not accepting anything less. Building a support system outside of a romantic relationship is important too. And all of this is so so hard and I am so far from getting there but I'm trying.
Fadeaway - I agree with you. Those guys who insist that they are 'nice', and not like other men - often don't respect your boundaries. They do all this stuff for you that you don't ask for and don't want and expect to be rewarded for it. The problem is that so many of the men who abuse us genuinely don't think that they are doing anything wrong and convince themselves that they are 'good people'. I think the ones who are different are not the ones who insist this but instead accept and understand what is very real threat and respect boundaries. Though I think they are so rare that they are unicorns.
RussH - responses like that are extremely unhelpful. Please read what I wrote above to Fadeaway. If your instinct is to make comments like that and derail conversations please just don't comment and instead listen to other people's experiences and try to understand where they are coming from.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I have learned to value being single and have been single most of my adult life actually. I just turned 30 so I guess I am eager to "get over" this trauma so I don't lose my window to find a good mate. I know that sounds ridiculous but you know most of the good people are taken by 40.
Hi Twinkle, I apologise if I was being preachy. I don't want to tell you what to think or do. I was partly thinking through things for myself so sorry for assuming things applying that apply to me also apply to you. It was presumptuous of me.
I find myself on the other side of the coin. I'm mid-20s and my thinking has been to wait for several years and hope that male peers grow up and out of harmful attitudes. But maybe that's wishful thinking.
The vast majority? Have been really fawking amazing blokes. Wildly different from each other in almost every other way, but that one. Damn fine men.
My last 2 serious boyfriends? (Including my husband) Were complete and total assholes. Abusive pricks, both of them. The common denominator between them? Me. Is it my fault they were abusive? Nah. But I was the one who chose them. That gives me something to work with. Okay. What was different, there? What did I see in them? What attracted me to them? Why did I get in relationships with them to begin with, and why did I stay?
Now... I've dated other assholes. But I knew it going in, and while jerks, it both wasn't a surprise they were jerks and they weren't abusive. They were just jerks.
So in addition to the first sets of questions about what was my part in choosing & staying with Abuser 1&2, there's also that; what made it a surprise that they were abusive pricks? Because that's another me-thing I can work on, parse, and learn to do differently.
I agree with you... 2 is a pattern. The beginning of a pattern, in any event. The week-long-racist might just be a coincidence, but I tend to think not, following a serious 6mo relationship. ((Super proud of you for it only being a week! :D That's throwing the breaks onto a sick pattern fast.)) So with all the amazing blokes out there? What made these 2 jerks special? What drew you to them? (And other Qs).
Some of my own answers have been hard to parse. Because, on the surface... Something that attracted me to my pricks, were the same things that attracted me to Amazing Blokes. Once I dug deeper, though? Surface resemblance is all it is/was.
An example I use pretty regularly:
- I love cocky bastards.
- I hate arrogant pricks.
Cocky & Arrogant? Those are both 2 forms of self-confidence.
One is the belief that, yeah! They've got this! :sneaky: (cocky) The other? The belief that no one else does! (Arrogant). One builds themselves up, the other puts others down. Very different things.
Once I parsed that? It was plain as day how different those things are. Like turning on a light & being able to see all the color in a room. Can't mistake one for the other.
An almost opposite example is shy... versus insecure/paranoid. I've dated a lot amazing shy men. Shy don't bother me! I've got more than enough outgoing for 3 people. But I've made the mistake of assuming shyness, when it's not. When they're hanging back, not because they're shy, but because they believe everyone else sucks & is out to get them. That's a tooooootally different thing! It's another form of arrogance, really. That they're so important that everyone else is out to get them.
So those are jsut a few of my own patterns parsed a smidge. I'm wondering if maybe one of your attraction qualities is speaking their mind? Not being afraid to be different, etc.? That's one of those things thats great when it's super creative artistic, or when it's never bowing to peer pressure & remaining true to oneself... As long as one's true self isn't racist-jerk. So, maybe attracted to the outspokenness... But repelled by what they're outspoken about? I may be totally wrong, there. Just some thoughts.
Well to be honest they were both super nice in the beginning. I think I have gotten good at spotting them because with the second guy he showed signs within a week. After that I have met a few guys that right away I was like "yeah abuser". I have read a lot about the potential signs and have tried to educate myself as best as I can.
I just meant more like am I the problem because sometimes I feel like I am so horrible that I would turn a normal man into an abuser. I know that sounds strange. I know that's not reality but that's how I feel.
No it is not you, you are not the problem, I found a really great support site for people that have been victim to abusers, and that's exactly what he sounds like... an abuser - who knows if he was an actual racist or just trying to illicit a response from you.
its a love reincarnation. We subconscioulsy attract abusers so when they start abusing us, we can relive the trauma and hopefully heal from it this time around. There are good men out there. It is you in the sense that you need to heal the parts of you that have been hurt so you dont attract these men, but its not you in the sense that you deserve it because no one deserves abuse and there are men who are nice, i promise.
