Sexual Assault Can't Use Prescribed Cream Without Flashbacks

[-lemurlibs91-]

Ok right, I haven't been on here in a while so this is harder than I thought it was going to be. But then this whole damn thing is harder than I thought it would ever be so....

Anyway, 4 years ago, I was repeatedly sexually assaulted over a period of 6 months by a guy I was seeing (don't ask why I kept going back - no effing clue! :facepalm:) and I basically ended up with changes to my body from the trauma and some wounds that never get a chance to heal. Every day it serves as a reminder, because it hurts every day. Sometimes it's worse than at others, and that triggers off bad periods of dissociation, flashbacks and nightmares. Eventually my boyfriend persuaded me to tell my doctor but I couldn't say it out loud and I couldn't even write it (the way I normally communicate something difficult to say), so he came with me and spoke for me.

I guess you could say it went well - she didn't insist on looking as she thought that might be too traumatic for me, so she prescribed cream as a first step, and she spoke to me while I listened, and she was only asking yes or no questions so it was easier. I found it really hard, ended up dissociating in front of her which really upset me as I get embarrassed when that happens in front of anyone, but I felt positive that maybe I wouldn't need anything complicated.

I tried to use the cream that evening but it all went wrong. I had a really vivid flashback with body memories(??? my T said that's what they sound like, but I don't really know), and I couldn't stop crying hysterically. My boyfriend came and got me out of the bathroom but I collapsed twice on the way back to the room and apparently I was just repeating "need Dream Rabbit" (my cuddly toy) over and over. I don't remember much after that except that my boyfriend sat up and guarded me until I fell asleep.

Everything has been harder since, and yesterday (a week later) I dissociated with no clear trigger which is rare at the moment and then I burst into tears and was shaking and I don't even know why.
How am I supposed to make this better and forget all of it, if I can't even do the simple task of treating the physical problem?!?! And why the hell would it make me collapse?!

 

[pixel]

Perhaps I've misunderstood, but I'm concerned you have had a physical wound for 4 years that is not healing.

With all due respect and I'm not trying to be sarcastic at all, but are you using this as a metaphor for a psychological wound?

 

[-lemurlibs91-]

It's because of the location that the wound isn't really healing. Thank you for checking, but it's not a metaphor for a psychological wound. It isn't that I need medical advice or anything, it's more like....how the hell am I supposed to get past this if I can't do the most simple thing....thanks to flashbacks and dissociation??? Has anyone else encountered something like this? Or got past it?? Or simply understands the frustration I'm feeling right now??

 

[joeylittle]

@-lemurlibs91- I suspect I had a similar medical problem. I could be way off base, though.

I'd very much recommend that you go back to your doctor and ask for a sedative and a full exam, and take whatever steps you need in order to get the problem resolved. It's not going to necessarily be easier than what you are dealing with now, but it will make the overall duration of the problem shorter.

Your doctor sounds considerate and your boyfriend supportive. That will help. And getting into therapy would probably help, too, in order to start trauma processing.

 

[-lemurlibs91-]

Ok, that sounds like it might have to be an option I consider. I'm just terrified that by being sedated it leaves me more vulnerable and that increases my fear of it happening again. I'm convinced it will all happen again as it is, which makes me scared even in situations which have no similarity to the "traumatic situation" or whatever. It's totally irrational - like I'm terrified that he/someone else will come in at night. So I have cuddly toys to guard me once my boyfriend has gone to sleep. Which now I write it, sounds even more stupid!! :facepalm:

Yeah I suppose I need to think long term, given it repeatedly triggers me.. it's just so scary.

Yes they are both great, I'm very lucky. I do see a therapist, but there's a lot for her to deal with as I also have an eating disorder, generalised anxiety and episodes of psychotic depression. And also the last time I started to get somewhere doing trauma work, my therapist left. It was NHS so now I'm paying for my therapy, but I can't seem to make the same progress anywhere near as fast even though I much prefer my current therapist. It takes a lot of time to build up trust and every time I start talking about it, even vaguely and without detail, I dissociate. She's having to sort of do guesswork in order to get as far as we are doing. I mean I don't doubt that she is the person that I could get far with in terms of trauma processing...it's just taking a long time, it's like my brain has shut down even more than before because when I opened up to a professional she left without having done any work on it so I was left in the lurch a bit. :unsure:

 

[Ronald10]

Hope you find respite soon

 

[joeylittle]

The thing is, @-lemurlibs91- if you have sedation in your doctors office (and you clearly trust your doctor), at least in order to have a full exam, the odds that all will go fine are higher.

And the trigger itself is going to take much more time to deal with. Taking care of your physical health will be stressful, yes, but gives you more space to deal with the trigger in therapy, without the pressure of needing to constantly re-activate it in order to do the cream (which doesn't sound like a long-term solution anyway).

I know it's hard. And you're not stupid. Fear is a real experience, even when the thoughts that prompt it are false or unrealistic.

 

[-lemurlibs91-]

Unfortunately my doctor has now said she isn't willing/able to do a sedated exam and is reluctant to do an non-sedated one any time soon because I struggle so much with making contact with myself there, let alone allowing anyone else. She said she would do it if I really thought I could manage it without sedation but no one thought that was feasible so instead we've sort of come up with a very long-winded process of desensitising myself to it...with the help and encouragement of my partner. So far we've got nowhere as I've taken some backwards steps, freaking out and ending up very childlike. But maybe somewhere along the line, the amount I've been getting upset is somehow a good thing....I hope.

Thank you for your responses.
And you're right @joeylittle - I'm kind of getting to understand how it's possible to experience things in a very real way even when the source of it is not current or is distorted. Where hypervigilance has kind of taken over I am gradually understanding it more. Although I'm still not quite getting how the way I am responding makes sense...it feels like I should be able to take charge of it by now and make it all logical and contained, but that isn't working. :meh:

I feel like I'm surrounded by triggers no matter where I go and I'm so, so tired. :( So is my boyfriend, he's having to constantly check I haven't dissociated and I'm not crying. :sorry: