General Carers Co-Dependency Information

[xxarmywifexx]

Great thread. Definitly gives me something to think about.

 

[valdoodle]

My partner and were co-dependant. As mentioned elsewhere he is moving out.

The story briefly is I had a very lonely childhood and have mainly lived in social isolation. Because of this I was probably looking for a partner to fill that lonliness gap and be my lover, best friend and soulmate. He on the other hand was homeless, overwhelmed with a train load of baggage, drug and alcohol dependance and a severe dose of PTSD. I became rescuer.... thinking he wanted someone there all the time to fill every moment with care and distraction.

We had the inevitable rollercoaster ride of 13 years of 'baby mouse steps' to our healthier lives today.

Inevitably we have come to realise our real needs as individuals. I thought I was being the strong one and keeping us safe. I have come to believe under the guise of being kind and loving that I was actually being selfish and manipulative. It does not feel good to acknowledge this. I think I wanted him to myself so I spoiled him and in turn he was forced into an easy 'awake but not alive' dependancy. We still care about each other, love even. It could have been so much better. The answer has probably always been out there.... we just weren't ready to understand it.

I think we now both realise we need to stand on our own two feet and become ourselves in own right, not co-dependant but independant. This is so long overdue I cannot believe we missed the obvious.

A lot of 'detachment with love' has been our answer. I hope we can become who we both deserve to be. We have wished each other well in our futures, separate/together who knows but we both hope to 'recover' from each other !

 

[sapphyre]

I have read one of Melody Beattie's books, did not have a traumatic child hood in any sense, and have a partner who won't get help. I have learned to care for myself, not to push/nag, not to have expectations, to just love. Unfortunately, he still doesn't get help (apart from medication) and he does not get any better. So, does continuing to feed him and take him to his appointments and love him make me codependent? Stupid?

I don't know. I think I am just trying to do my best. But I get sad some times, because I feel sure he won't get better ... apparently the big book from AA says, "If nothing changes, nothing changes." and that's where I feel we are.

 

[valdoodle]

I have not read Melody Beattie's books. I heard about co-dependancy from Alanon. From where I am right now, alone after he has left, I would give anything to go back to our comfortable co-dependant everydays. I liked your post Sapphyre because that is where we were. A lot of love. It all fell apart because I didn't learn to care for myself and got worn down and exhausted. That with full blown PTSD did not mix.

Now I have all the time in the world to take care of myself but there just doesn't seem to be any point any more. I miss him and I don't understand why because he clearly doesn't miss me. I wish I had listened to his needs better.

I am glad you are managing to hold on in there and it sounds to me like you have got a good balance of care for yourself and each other with a sprinkle of love to make it all work.

 

[sapphyre]

Thankyou valdoodle. Yesterday afternoon I started feeling some hope again. Hubby got out of bed and did something while I wasn't home(vacuumed the dogs! lol) without prompting... probably the higher dose of his ADs is kicking in.

 

[May1321]

As long as we have not healed our childhood wounds then there are a lot more than two people involved in our relationships. There may only be two people in the room - but the room is also full of the ghosts of all of our past emotional wounds. Until we start clearing our emotional process of the buttons/triggers that throw us into the past, we are not capable of being honest in the now. When we react in the now out of old wounds and old tapes we are being emotionally dishonest with ourselves and our partners.

It is very boring and incredibly painful to keep repeating dysfunctional relationship patterns. The way to stop repeating those patterns is to start healing the wounds that we suffered in childhood.

Profound!

The scariest part of growing up and realizing I've needed therapy has been having to admit at some point, my parents were wrong.
- My first therapist, I wasn't able to even start because I didn't want to think that my husband was wrong for me and I was afraid that is what she was getting at.
- The second one I had to move home to my parents and we were right at the tip of that iceberg in Therapy.
- Third was a spiritual licensed therapist who worked with my belief system to cancel and forgive old habits and rebuild old foundations (this was most helpful to get past that barrier of discussing the ugly things "feelings").
- Current, and fourth, I'm ready. Ready to discuss the past hurt, my upbringing, childhood wounds so that I will no longer repeat these boring and incredibly painful habits.

I'm not sure I am one or the other. I seem to go back and forth between the distant and "unavailable" relationships to the serious which are always very similar to what has happened recently.

I am the 'ying' to his 'yang'... I know we both have childhood wounds... and adult wounds. I feel hopeful that we are both healing ourselves for the better and the health of our friendship down the road, if nothing else.

No matter what - "grateful" - for I'm finally taking steps to heal all that these articles and definitions express.

Thank you for the THREAD, Nicolette. Lots more to work on :barefoot:

 

[Nicolette]

Unfortunately May1321 it takes for us to be at peace with ourselves, including be able to be happy and alone by ourselves, before we can truly begin to see things as they are. When there is a "need" motive, perception always skews what we see. When we enter with a clean slate, then you are allowing yourself to see the person and not the desire to be with someone - in saying that you look at the person and not what you can get out of having this person in your life (two worlds apart). When co-dependent you often settle for less than what you would if you didn't suffer from this anxiety.

 

[ISupportHer]

I heard something on TV a day or 2 ago. Took a day off to help with child care for my grandson and Dr. Phil's show was on. I usually don't watch those shows. He had a woman who was telling him how much she wanted to go back to a previous relationship, even though it was hurting her current one. The first husband or BF was neglectful, emotionally abusive and cheated on her. To make a long story short, Dr. Phill told her that even though she was saying she wanted to go back to this guy, it was not really the man she wanted, it was that she was suffering loss from the relationship she WISHED it had been. I think that is very similar to many supporters. We wish for, hope for, pray for the relationship that used to be. But it is gone. Really it goes back to the concept of having to deal with what IS and not what WAS. That is hard. But yes, each person has to face that they are really the one to make themselves happy. Not someone else.

ISH

 

[valdoodle]

I agree with that ISH and have found it to be true of my own situation. I wrote about 3 weeks ago about desperately wanting my co-dependant relationship back. I have now had 19 days on my own. I thought it would be awful. I honestly have not felt so bad as the day he left with his belongings leaving me sitting, unable to move, crying and praying that he would not go. It was the worst feeling. Letting go of all the wonderful times over the 14 years we have been together. Slowly I have come to realise they are what WAS and what IS was destructive. Making us both ill in different ways. It was painful madness.

I did not plan any big moves. I just took it one day at a time (sometimes 1 hour at a time). My head is now clearing. The space I took up being co-dependant (ie. not allowing him to live his own life) and rushing around coping for us both and worrying constantly (tablets run out, bad night, rants, bills, work, someone upset him etc) is now free.

He has managed all these things himself. He did not need my worry or concern. He is a capable person in his own right and he has shown me that. I am beginning to cope. tho I must admit to talking to the cat a lot! It is early days We are friends now and I hope this will continue because he is a good man. We did need space to recover from each other. I am beginning to look after myself and had a bit of a meltdown when I realised how much of myself I have lost.

I will also admit to a few relapses where I have phoned too many times because I was worried about him. Also the one time I convinced myself he was depressed and went to his new house. He refused to let me in. (did I say we were friends?) :oops: I am not perfect but now realise that I also have issues that need to be worked on. It is not easy letting go. Now, how do I make myself 'happy'.:cautious:

 

[May1321]

Thank you valdoodle! I feel as you do but am no where near 19 days without him yet... at least physically or even communication wise. I would like to be. Still in the tougher days but your words help ease my heart some. Thank You.

 

[living4jesus]

Unfortunately May1321 it takes for us to be at peace with ourselves, including be able to be happy and alone by ourselves, before we can truly begin to see things as they are. When there is a "need" motive, perception always skews what we see.

This hit home for me. What a great post! I am currently in therapy working on not being codependent and I have really come pretty far with it. I can say I agree 100% with you Nicolette. I can see things in a whole new light now that I am finding myself becomming more independant.

One thing I have noticed about myself tho is that sometimes I tend to like to be codependant. But at the same time I don't want to like being codepandant. I feel like I battle with myself (alot of self talk) during times like this.

 

[May1321]

Hi living4jesus!

I don't remember even reading that post you quoted above to me from Nicolette yet it was also long ago...

I too have come a really long ways with therapy, etc. to understanding when I'm being co-dependent and when I'm not. Still struggle some but it is such a relief in a sense to feel independent and know that "I can do this with or without you"... It all gives me a much deeper understanding of what defines the "partnership" I crave in a relationship.

Unfortunately, I think the natural instinct to "give" has been tarnished by the co-dependent nature of humans whether you are just getting sucked into it, or you are forcing someone to get sucked into it. I have found that as long as I can feel the ownership of my own actions and seperate them and the feelings from the situation acknowledging them as MINE and my responsibility, that I can give more without falling into the depths of co-dependency because I've started the act of 'paying myself' first.

All starts with the #1... Ourselves :)