General Carers Co-Dependency Information

[Hopeful boyfriend]

Wow... what an eye opener...

After reading this thread, I feel like my whole life began to make so much more sense. First of all, my parents are in a co-dependent relationship all of my life and I just thought that this was the norm. So now that I am in a relationship with someone who has PTSD, I realize why I always feel like her sadness and sorrow are my fault.

Now I need to figure out where to go from here.

Thank you.

 

[Nicolette]

Well done for your acknowledgment Hopeful boyfriend.... you're now more than half way to changing things if you want to as the biggest part is admission and acknowledgement.

 

[revelry]

Nicolette,

First and foremost, Thank you for the post. Very insightful.

I was recently diagnosed Co-dependent and still trying to put the pieces together of what all of that means, but I'm working on it none-the-less.

It makes a lot of sense, my on-again, off-again relationships with my parents, and the subsequent bad relationships that Ive had with men. I just always felt that it was my duy or responsibility to take care of people, and always putting myself last, even though i knew years ago it was kinda stupid and counterproductive and every time I did it I lost a bigger chunk of me, I still did it, and still sometimes think I need to fall back into the same habits.....but that's what they are.. old habits....

We tend to be comfortable with what we KNOW, whether its healthy or not. IF you grew up in dysfunction, you have a firm understanding of it, and know how to function under chaos. You know that when the shit hits the fan, you step to the side, and then deal with the mess, and put it all back together. I think the key to understand NOW is that when you see it hit the fan, you need to decide if it's your problem, their problem, or someone else's..and get the hell away from the fan...lol. None of us can save the whole world.

But co-dependents function well (or so we think) under chaos....Its 'NORMAL' that often times spins us up.

I'm still a work-in-progress...

 

[Nicolette]

Life is a journey revelry and it sounds like you are working things out..... well done. You can't undo years of programming that is ingrained as dysfunctional to healthy very easily. It takes a lot of hard work and awareness. Wishing you success and it sounds like you can now look at yourself objectively which is a good catalyst for change. You will have hiccups and it will take repetition to change what has done but there is hope.

 

[May1321]

where to go from here.

Hopeful...

It's a tough road but the first part is the acknowledgement you have found of this.

I read two books that changed my life... The first is more uplifting and spiritually based "The Mastery of Love" and "Co-Dependent No More".

As I told one of my girlfriends last night... It is such a fulfilling feeling to feel like there is nothing missing within me. Yes, I still battle other people perceptions, etc. and the "social norm" but it's not what I want or am ready for.

Just knowing that when I'm letting my 'boyfriend' suck my energy or his PTSD is affecting my sleep too many days in a row when I have a lot on my mind and all in turn start affecting my work - which is really important to me - ... just being able to say - I'm staying home - and - NO - to him without the fear that he is going to do something to hurt me has been eye opening for me and uplifting... continuing to push me towards the top of my game.

He and I still struggle and he still slips because he is co-dependent or overly independent - the back and forth because of his PTSD - but just controlling only what I can control has helped me feel less crazy, less sorrowful, less emotionally exhausted.

It was this post for me, too, that helped flip a switch and brought me to a point where I can admit it and not feel ashamed for having been co-dependent.

So good luck to you and BRAVO for getting to this point :)

 

[Hopeful boyfriend]

May 1321,

Thank you for your suggestions, I am going to go order those books right away.

Your post came at the perfect time... I might have gone crazy if it were not for your post. I have a huge day tomorrow and I wanted to be alone tonight so I could get a good night's sleep. I had dinner with my girlfriend and took her home and when I went to leave, she told me it felt like I was abandoning her, I didn't like her anymore and she didn't trust me. Also, we have talked about being married one day, and tonight she told me she was no longer sure anymore because she didn't trust me. After an hour or so, I calmed her down and left, but I felt guilty, miserable, sad and hopeless. After reading your post, I don't feel as bad anymore as I know I am not abandoning her, I still like her very much and that there is nothing I can do about her lack of trust in me.

I look forward to learning more about co-dependency and ways I can make sure that we don't fall into a destructive pattern. Also I want to feel like there is nothing missing within me.

Thank you again May. You have brightened up my soul.

Sincerely,

Hopeful boyfriend

 

[May1321]

Hopeful boyfriend

Thank you! This is a roller coaster and like my post helped you, yours lightens my brain load today as well. Trust is such a HUGE thing and I think we quickly lose it because of things that we are unsure about.

My boyfriend/not boyfriend says the same things to me that your girlfriend says and I feel guilty and sometimes give in and other times I don't and it is when I don't that I feel stronger. He will guilt and act all lovey then taketh away and have his PTSD moments and after giving in, I just will then feel crushed.

It's a long road but each day is better and it is tons better than it was when I started my journey almost a year ago now.

Best of luck to you and Happy Holidays!!!

~May

 

[Pale Warrior]

Just though this needed bumping for our newer members.

 

[forgotten shadow]

After digesting all the information on this thread, it seems I've become co-dependant. Is there anything I can do to help myself whilst the books that you've all digested arrive? I would try and arrange to see a therapist but right now I haven't got the time to see one nor how to actually go a out asking for one.

Asking for help is something that I just don't do.

 

[ProudWife99]

If your leg was broken and bleeding, you would have time to tend do that, right? Consider this just as important. Just because we can't see these wounds and hurts does not mean they are not as equally as important, as much like a flesh wound, they begin to fester and infect over time.

My husband was so busy he stopped his regular therapy and he is truly feeling the results and consequences of that decision now. We make time for just about everything in our lives that is marked as a priority. Like I said, you'd make time for your leg, right?

Take care !

 

[zulu4sweet]

All I can say is thank goodness I've found this forum.

 

[Toria]

Oh I'm confused :oops: I have just ordered one of the books in the hope that it will make things become clearer!!! I love Husband very much and I want to protect him from the hurt and the pain that PTSD and the big bad world brings - that's not a bad thing is it? I diffuse arguments because by nature I am a quiet and unconfrontational kind of person - is that wrong? Perhaps because I do not hold a mirror up to Husband I am enabling his symptoms, but I do not thrive on it and I certainly do not look for "victims" :eek: yet some of the descriptions fit.

confused.com!!!