Caring for children

[Warrior Chicken]

The topic that’s bothering me is one that I think will have multiple perspectives depending on many different factors. It bothers me because it brings me back to my own past experiences which are also likely clouding my judgement and causing certain reactions.

So, I thought I’d post it here for discussion as this community has often been very helpful and respectful of various opinions.

If you have kids say age 10 and 6, you arrive at a public parking lot and the 6 year old has an epic meltdown, refusing to the the car. The 10 year old just wants to go to 1 store and get something to eat to bring back. What do you do??
The weather is mild and the parking lot has cameras….

(In my upbringing, the example I got wasn’t the greatest I don’t think. I was often left for hours, door locks didn’t work and it could be in the blaring heat…but I could roll the windows down.)

I’m just attempting to learn what’s appropriate
Thanks.

 

[arfie]

empathy on the uncertainty, warrior. i am raising my orphaned grandchildren, currently 6, 9, 11. every round is a guess. appropriate? by whose measure? unfortunately, the folks with the approved measuring sticks never seem to to be available for the parking lot meltdowns.

like you, the techniques i learned during my own upbringing were not the best. i was raised by older siblings with 6 younger siblings i was expected to raise. i'm still unlearning the techniques i learned during childhood.

sigh. . . let me know if you find something more consistently appropriate than taking my best guess and praying allot.

 

[osiris]

I also come from the sitting in the car age where we’d be left while my mum went to do something, but weather in the UK was rarely an issue and we could control windows anyway. Walking to the shops and buying stuff alone at 10 was also a fairly normal experience, so as you said, it’s hard to approach this without echoes of the past.

When my kids were younger I made choices based on what was least problematic at the time - I guess in this scenario I would decide which kid to piss off. Either go home and disappoint the 10yr old or make the 6 yr old come out and risk the ensuing chaos. Neither are great choices, but I wouldn’t leave a kid in the car alone in a public place beyond paying for petrol when I had them in the car with me - and that used to send me into a real panic even though I could see the car the whole time.

In different countries I’d likely be less guarded than the UK made me feel when we were there.

Not sure what I’m trying to say now so I’ll leave it for a bit

 

[somerandomguy]

You stay in the car with the 6 year old having a meltdown. You apologize to the 10 year old and tell her you'll get something to eat soon, but she has to stay with you. 10 years old is still too young to have a kid go get her own food from a restaurant.

Neither the weather nor whether there are cameras or not make any difference to me in this situation.

 

[PamelaS]

You stay in the car with the 6 year old having a meltdown. You apologize to the 10 year old and tell her you'll get something to eat soon, but she has to stay with you. 10 years old is still too young to have a kid go get her own food from a restaurant.

Neither the weather nor whether there are cameras or not make any difference to me in this situation.

I’m happy for you that your brain was able to sort that out so simply. The wellbeing of our children is priority. But when you have lived a certain way, not by choice but by force, it clouds the mind’s ability to sort it out. Just saying.

 

[Midnightmoon]

These answers are intriguing me as my gut reaction to what I'd do seems rather different (and what I did in 'real' life with my sibs different to what I'd do with the kids in work etc) but that's maybe my own background/ raising talking too. Watching with interest

 

[Warrior Chicken]

I think that if I’d had to care for younger siblings or other children I maybe would have an easier time with decisions on this. Instead, I was the youngest and mostly just found myself fending for myself as we siblings railed against each other rather than banded together to survive.

I made the wrong choice recently because of my past and it feels awful, but I’d like to learn what’s better going forward.

For what it’s worth - I didn’t send the 10 year old out alone.

 

[PamelaS]

I think that if I’d had to care for younger siblings or other children I maybe would have an easier time with decisions on this. Instead, I was the youngest and mostly just found myself fending for myself as we siblings railed against each other rather than banded together to survive.

I made the wrong choice recently because of my past and it feels awful, but I’d like to learn what’s better going forward.

For what it’s worth - I didn’t send the 10 year old out alone.

We all make bad choices. Sometimes the only choices that we have in front of us are bad choices, and we simply have to choose the least bad of the options available. And beyond that, we all make mistakes. The people who don’t make mistakes are lying. And the people who make fewer mistakes than us, I don’t believe that they’ve had to endure the same things that we have. So don’t beat yourself up too hard. You’re doing the best you can where you are. As long as you are striving to move forward to a better place and trying to do the right thing to the best of your ability, you have nothing to fault yourself with. Just keep on keeping on, keep learning from your mistakes and for wisdom from others, keep trying to get yourself in a better direction, and give yourself the grace to not beat yourself up for being human. Do the best you can with what you have. And I leave the rest in my God’s hands. I apologize if that offends anyone. I do not want to be harmed anymore, and I do not want to harm anyone. Unfortunately, sometimes it’s not possible to get what we want. So we do our best. And that’s all we can do. It’s OK to not be OK. It’s OK to make mistakes. Unfortunately, mistakes come with consequences. So we do our best to avoid the consequences by making better choices, to the best of our ability and we try to be part of the solution by participating in taking care of ourselves and making changes when necessary and taking responsibility for ourselves. Be good to yourself. You’re trying to do the right thing. Love yourself and love your children. And make decisions based on that. In the moment, that isn’t easy, but it leads to a better result. Just keep practicing. Just keep loving. Just keep moving forward.

 

[Friday]

Speaking as a parent who has lived that reality dozens/hundreds of times?

More often than not… I’d pick the 6yo tantrum up & carry them to the edge of the store, whilst the 10yo goes in & orders. I deal with the tantrum, they accomplish their goals, all of us return to the car in various states of “done”. The tantrum? Usually isn’t done. Nor is my dealing with it. Nor is the 10yo, with their whatever, Scott free. Something needed doing, and was done, in the midst of other things. DITTO, more often than not, I’d have the 10yo get something for the 6yo from the shop. 2:3 that halts the tantrum. 1:3 it gets thrown at a window, the other kid, or me, because that’s what tantrums do. Stop on a dime, or intensify, with additional stimulus.

Sometimes…
- I’d send the 10yo off to the store, whilst I dealt with the kid on full flail
- I’d keep both kids with me at the car, until the tantrum petered out
- I’d keep both kids in the car & drive until calm is arrived at, and repark & all 3 of us go in together & cheerful & excited.
- We go home. Because nope. Done.

It reeeeeeally depends a lot on the day, the kids in question, & my own headset/energy levels.

With kids? There’s one or two BAD answers, but HUNDREDS of maaaaaybe good answers. Depending on thousands of variables. The above are what I USUALLY would do, but that’s far from the only things on the table TO do.

 

[Friday]

sigh. . . let me know if you find something more consistently appropriate than taking my best guess and praying allot.

LeSigh… There’s really not, in my experience. Stick 20 eleven year olds next to each other and have 20 different “bests”, in regards to maturity, cleverness, strength, etc., etc., etc.. for EACH of them.

Ditto 20 infants, toddlers, 200 “tender aged” (5-12)…. KIDS?!? Are all reeeeeeeally different. Age predicts a lot. But age alone? Is maaaaaybe 40% of the whole. When it’s the individual who matters. When you fawking love the kid, and want the best for them. When you know what’s easy or fun for them, or difficult or dangerous for them. That varies. Kid by kid. GENERALLY speaking? Some 10yos are babysitting, whilst others are being babysat. WHO a kid is? Matters. At almost every age.

That’s what having kids does, IME/IMO, teach the multiplicity of “bests”. What works best in one family, doesn’t even translate, much less work, for another; what works best for one kid -in the same family- isn’t what worst best for another kid, in the same family. When you want what’s BEST for kids? It’s a moving target. Always. Between different kids, and with the same kid. It’s a constantly evolving series of expectations/goals/things to be taught (supported/backfilled). The AGE a child is? Broadest of strokes, only. And individualism trumps age.