Caring For Someone With Ptsd That Is Pushing You Away

[Phil1983]

I hope my information can help you. PTSD is very difficult to understand and when you do understand it there is always something else that can pop up that can cause unknown triggers etc. In my case it is the love and trust side being the 1st time since my event that I have loved and trusted someone a trigger for my "danger zone" has kicked in.

Luckily, with the help of this site I have started to understand myself so much more and now have actually passed things onto my ex partner to help her understand. Wheather or not the new talk will save anything for our relationship, I can not say but I know I have her full support and abit extra that I didnt expect to get from her :)

From a sufferers view looking at how I have treated my ex recently, I've put myself in her position, I can understand how much it must hurt for thhings to be put on you the way they are but try to realise the words are a sudden decision and more often than not these words have come out before thinking of them or the results. This is how we are, its our personality now and we need to get hold of the old personality we had before the event and hold on to it as tightly as possible. I, myself know that I will always run the risk of repeating things but without talking about my problems with people and a therapist I will only be making it harder on myself.

Take your time with this man and gradually approach things, if you see signs he feels uncomfortable, change the subject to something he enjoys and bring him back to how he feels happy so at the same time you will feel happy in yourself. Dont push too much though as it can also make things even harder. A talk every now and then can build up into being more open and helping him thru recovery and finding his triggers and avoiding them

 

[Anna1954]

Well Phil I love your honesty and your loving nature. I know that ptsd can affect every aspect of your life as your partners. And congratulate you in the help you seek. But I believe my situation is different than most because this was the first time this guy and I got together. Even though he has never told me he had ptsd I saw a loving man bring me a rose and make love to me. To watch tv and want to be left by himself and not have me near him. And tell me what I told you before that," he didn't know what he wanted and that he couldnt find anything wrong with me and it was not me but him". And the flip side we went about an hour later to the beach and him holding my hand, kissing and putting his arm around me. We kid each other and we have such a great time when we got together.

So even though I know what your are telling me it just seemed also he could have been just telling me he was not into me when he was ok, but then his actions did not show that. When he took me to the airport he was again attentive. When it was time to leave he held me so close and kissed the top of my hair and lips and goes," you are such a sweetheart, just a total sweetheart". Phil I know I shouldn't read so much into this but damn its so frustrating it is eating me up. I feel empty and I don't want to go backwards to the point where I will be by myself for so many years because I have these trust issues surface again. Will I ever love again.

 

[Phil1983]

Even though he has never admitted his PTSD to you, you have to think of the possibilities. The man was in Afghanistan, I'm guessing soldier?

If I am guessing rite. We have got to think, we don't know what actually is happening over there other than what we see on the news and if we know someone that has served there, we may hear the sides we don't see. I am lucky in that way as I have a mate who recently came back from Afghanistan, his tour was split in 2. During his break we all went out to have a drink and catch up as we hadn't seen him for 6 months, a week later he was back out there and we lost contact for a further 6 months due to his duties out there. He came back a completly different person. He is still the same person we knew when he left, loves a laugh, a drink, family man etc but I have been lucky enough to catch him on his own and we spoke about his tour. The things I heard shocked me and the pictures he had taking shows how close he was to loosing his life but he would never admit to anyone how it effected him until he broke down in front of me and his dad. I have since learnt that the reason he denies it could be anything to do with PTSD is because of the way he is trained as a soldier and a soldier is expected to see sights that we wouldn't want to see. I have always disagreed as I have often seen him in his "quiet" states and the only way I can pull him out is by an invite to the nearest pub where he may open up but any other time he always shows people the respect they deserve, he treats his family and kids the best he possibly can and he has always been one of the best friends I could ever ask for. A soldier can hold things alot harder than a normal civilian due to their training for combat etc. My apologies if I have guessed wrong.

As for ever loving again, that is something I could never answer as I have also wondered the same recently due to being a 29 yr old who had everything I wanted 2 wks ago and the plans of finally settling down and threw it away through my mistakes caused by my PTSD and although I have tried to save what I had I am starting to think I have let it go too far and I am going to be left with a friend but that will be all. This is fine to me in some ways as I know it is my actions that caused it but it is always upsetting as it took me 4 yrs to actually love or trust anyone and let us get close and build a perfect relationship in my eyes and I destroy it and dont know if I can let anyone else get close again.

The only advice I can give is once you love yourself for who you are, the right person will love you for who you are aswell. If this is the man you want to be with, he needs to be more open with you so you can understand what he said and why after the way he treated you, personally I would disagree that he wasn't in to you, I don't know any man who makes compliments and gestures that way, I've always been told I am a decent bloke but I have never treated a girl that way before. I have learnt that trust is built between 2 people in a relationship so it is something you will have to work on and give yourself reasons to trust the person but this man will need to open up so you have a reason to trust him for it not to effect any relationship between you.

 

[SeekingSerenity]

Hey Anna,

I know that my Lady does love me, and just knowing that keeps me going each day. Occasionally she does have a good moment and she tells me she loves me, with feeling in her voice. I take those moments and keep them in my heart, they get me through the rest of the times when the drought hits again.

I am a hopeless romantic I think, so I would like to say that your guy does actually have feelings for you, but that the PTSD is getting in his way of showing it in a way that makes you see it. Without getting into really deep thoughts and emotions and hypotheses about what he may or may not be feeling because of PTSD, what about just looking at it this way? What have you got to lose if he doesn't love you back? You don't have a relationship yet, you barely have a good friendship. What I would do in your situation would be to let him know that I was there, and tell him that I was waiting for him to feel better, and then leave it at that. Not push, not probe, nothing. When chatting, keep it very light and easy; the weather, what you had for dinner, etc. If he feels the same way about you, he will respect you and be grateful for you keeping your distance while he gets his breath back, and when he is ready he will move closer.

Like I said, maybe I'm just hopelessly romantic, and I try to see the good in everyone. Maybe its worthwhile taking the chance on him? I think you would think so too, he made you feel things you didn't allow yourself to feel in 19 years. Give it a chance, what have you really got to lose, versus what you may gain?

 

[reallydown]

I`m in a weird place so I haven`t had the opportunity to read all the posts yet, so apologies for any repetition...I just wanted to say that I do this all the time...I mean push people away. As someone said, it`s a push and pull thing. I`ve found that as I get closer to the person and more vulnerable, I freak out more. The more I care, the more likely I am to run when things get more serious :( So I push the person away and get behind the safety of my wall. This has already ruined at least two relationships, and yes, I`ve thought about both of them and regretted pushing away...but of course, could not blame them. It`s a very shitty feeling. So...I guess what I`m saying is, patience is the key...He`s probably overwhelmed and doesn`t knwo how to process it yet. Just my two cents.

 

[Anna1954]

Phil, SeekingSerenity and Reallydown, Thank you for your words I cried my eyes out when I read your post. First real cry I have been able to muster from way down inside.

Yes Phil he is a soldier he served 32 yrs as a American Marine and is now retired. And yes he did 4 tours overseas. I do know he has PTSD who wouldn't. Let's face it, it is war and war can do so much to someone.

I myself was in the Army, did 3yrs end of the Vietnam War. I got out to go in the Army national Guards and then do 3 more years in Army Reserves.

My father was an abusive man. And in household I did not feel the security and trust a child should feel. I also had some PTSD, but mine manifested to the hilt once I got married and my then husband went out on me. I tried going to counseling and when I heard him lie (he can be very convincing) I walked out. After that I could not get close to him. I have always had trust issues and getting close, but this was the icing on the cake and the hurt went so deep that I shut myself down.

I raised my little girls by myself, with no support or love. I shut down for almost 19 years. I knew that I had a severe problem with intimacy and relationships, pushing people away so I went for help.

I finally believed I conquered my demons, but when I met this men about 2 yrs ago and he chatted with me on Facebook and said some of the nicest things I let that wall down. I first fought my feelings and I tried to erase him from my mind, but he would keep creeping into them. So I finally figured give it a whirl and let him in. I did and now I feel like I am going backwards again.

For some reason my mind has started opening wounds about Vietnam again. I cry for my friends I lost the ones that came back broken. I myself feel so broken inside that I am starting to push my daughter away and grandson who is 5. He used to spend so much time with me and of lately knowing that I am so very depressed that I have kept them away.

The only thing that has really helped is talking to you all on this and making sense of what is going on. I do feel I need to go back to counseling because of the way my brain is starting to think and how I feel. Please don't stop writing to me, because I desperately need you all.

THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR YOUR LOVE, AND SUPPORT.

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[Anna1954]

Phil1983 Sorry I didn't write more I had to regroup my feelings after I read your reply that caused more tears than I have been able let out before. One thing I can tell you as a woman is if you love this girl PLEASE, PLEASE let her know you do love her. Don't completely break her heart by just letting her go. Get ahold of her and please explain why this all happened. But as long as your getting help all things will become clear in the near future. But again I beg of you to please do not decide to let her go.

 

[Phil1983]

Thank you so much Anna. I know I shouldn't let my ex go, I do need her in my life as she has taken the time to understand things but from her messages I think it is too late for me to do anything about the relationship but hoping we can keep a friendship but even that seems to be quite testing. I have told her over and over how I feel about her and how I've been feeling since the split but I think I'm making things worse and we haven't had face to face contact for nearly 2 weeks now, although I have tried it feels as if she is pushing me back away and taken other peoples advice, I understand that she has reasons not to see me but now at a loose end on her to approach her with my feelings and to talk things through with her face to face and walk away with either my relationship or my best friend. I'm getting the help I need for myself more than anything but I don't think she realises I'm also doing it to help me become a better person for her, she has noticed and told me I'm thinking more positive lately and opening up but by her messages I don't think that is anywhere near enough for her. I'm lost....

I hope you can get the help you seek and in turn get the answers you are looking for which can hopefully lead to the relationship you want...I will message you soon but just got visitors for an hour to try bringing me back up to where I want to be

 

[Anna1954]

Phil it seems this world dishes out more unhappiness than happiness. I know that is not true, but sometimes we dwell on the worst instead of the good. I know your girl is probably pushing away because you have hurt her so much that she feels she can not take anymore. All I can say is tell her you are getting the help you need for her and you. As a woman I can relate to how she is feeling because we feel men can not see our worth. As for me I know I don't talk to anyone that does not understand ptsd because the first thing people will tell you is to forget the jerk and he is no good. So I really have no one to understand but you people on this site, because you understand the illness. I hope your girl remembers all the good you can be and are.
I have to get going but hope to hear from you again.

 

[Phil1983]

It certainely does but it is all sent to test us and make us stronger. I can completly understand why she may be pushing me away and I can not blame her in the slightest, the hurt is where I can not see her without risking upsetting her just so I can open up about everything possible and hopefully she will see my words on feelings are true. I've told her I'm getting the help I need for myself and her but her words were I should only be doing it for myself and I have just sent her a message about my feelings along with asking how she is and her reply is "she's fine" so I'm guessing that is another way of saying to let go.
I am so grateful for the people on this site and my Therapist calling me each day to see how I am and check my progress but to me, without this girl who I lovked up from, my problems are not about, it feels as though I need her still so I will always face the problem so I can learn to get round it and make something of a bad situation back to a good situation

 

[Anna1954]

I don't know if she is truly letting go and I am not trying to make little of what you are saying that she is letting go. I know when I chatted with the guy last night I like his remarks were very vague and cool. That is why I also say the same thing about him, that maybe he really wants to push me so far a way for good. I don't know but time will tell. I know when my brain starts acting up at times I just walk away from what my brain wants to say before I open my mouth to say. Sometimes I am so upset I start shaking, but walking away and just defusing the situation is so much better. I do not know if you have the ability to do that, but if you do just not open your mouth and walk away. This way once you regroup your thoughts you will be able to communicate to her your feels. I know its hard for a man to understand, that a woman acts on emotions and what she is feeling right there and then at the moment is what she says. I pretty sure she is still thinking of you, but the hurt is what is making her stay away. Phil life is like a rubber ball when it comes to feelings and thoughts sometimes they just bounce around until we get things right. So hold on there and I will pray for you.

 

[Anna1954]

HELP!!!!! My anxiety level is so high and my depression so deep now. In my first post I talked about a guy I met and how I bought an airline ticket to go see and after 4 days he wanted me gone or lets say he pushed me away. At the time I was hurt now anger has set in BIG time. I just want to call him tell him of or even beat the crap out of him.

I don't know how he could ask me to come see him whether he has ptsd or not and push me away, with no heart about it. What was I a fing booty call. That was the most expensive booty call I ever have paid for in my life.

He has not called to apologize or even make amends. I have become so depressed I don't want anyone near me, especially family since I am afraid I am going to yell at them if they do something I don't like.

I went to the doctor for medication to get me through this. How could a guy just dismiss that he is the only guy I have let into my fing life in close to 19 yrs. Honestly if I was a man and I did this to a woman I would feel really rotten about it. I am so damn broken right now. "HOOAH I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED" I WILL CONTROL MY DESTINY AND NOT LET SOME SCHMUCK SCREW ME OVER"