Changing Plans Is So Hard

[Ronin]

Are there any elements in the new plan that are the same or very alike as in the old plan, that would send the signal of 'it's manageable, even as unpredictable', to you?

 

[sun seeker]

I hate waiting on people who are not respecting my boundaries.

The thing is, how do you set boundaries when you need other people more than they need you?

This is triggering a regressed state where I really have access to no resources. I'm trying to sleep as much as I can because being awake is so painful.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@sun seeker is she spending a lot of money? Then it would make sense if you know that she is coming over that you do not schedule anyone after her if she wants to pay for extras. That is the best I can come up with.

 

[ghotiff]

Work people are the most difficult to "change" so I'll ignore that for now.

Your T should be the easiest to change. Could you text her and say "The proposed appointment time is possible but the day is tricky for me. Is there any chance to keep the original appointment time, or are ther alternative times available". This is very gentle, doesn't lose your appointment but allows her to offer a better one. Maybe she has another option that is better but she doesn't know to present it.

Long term (later) you could ask her that if she needs to change a pre existing appointment, that she gives you at least two options to choose between.

Remember, she changed the time on you and you are the client. You are well within your rights to not accept her change. I know it's hard to do (it was for me) but we are meant to learn through our Ts, so worst case is she knows you need to work on this.

 

[sun seeker]

is she spending a lot of money?

Is this my client you're talking about?

The client is a stressor. It's my therapist who triggered this tailspin though. I tried to explain it to him by e-mail and he sort of gets it but not really, which is bringing up still more issues, and I don't have an appointment with him for what feels like years (but isn't).

 

[sun seeker]

Your T should be the easiest to change. Could you text her and say "The proposed appointment time is possible but the day is tricky for me. Is there any chance to keep the original appointment time, or are ther alternative times available".

There aren't. That's the time available. He knows the reasons why this is triggering me so badly. What I'm needing is understanding of that, at this point, more than changing the appointment time back.

Long term (later) you could ask her that if she needs to change a pre existing appointment, that she gives you at least two options to choose between.

That would be good... but I'm not sure it's realistic. He is extremely busy. It would help, though, if he would recognize when changing an appointment on me that it is going to trigger me badly. Just saying that would help me feel understood a little bit.

You are well within your rights to not accept her change.

If I don't accept the change, there probably won't be an appointment, and I really need one. Yet another issue this brings up: needing other people more than they need me. Feels so very vulnerable.

 

[sun seeker]

I wrote my therapist again and told him I am desperate and really need some help and can't wait till I see him next. I have no support system outside of him and the forum. I need help. This is triggering my deepest, most intractable triggers and I've run out of coping strategies.

 

[ghotiff]

Only to be helpful....

Do you have a list of coping strategies. If not consider writing a list. From the list consider creating a task tracker (I'll look for a link to one). Then you can track which ones you do each day. I did this and realized that I was doing less of them, and less often than I thought I was. Consciously increasing it helped.

 

[sun seeker]

Do you have a list of coping strategies.

Yes, I've written several at different points. Only thing is, when I'm in crisis I can't use them. They only work up to a certain level of activation.

 

[ghotiff]

. They only work up to a certain level of activation.

Absolutely.

For me the trick was to use them regularly before activated...but that doesn't help you now.

I did find that some helped once activated but their value was far more subtle and it took much longer. This it was easy to get frustrated with them and "feel" they weren't working.

When really bad, my best approach is to go to bed, lights on low, hot water bottle....then do absolutely nothing until bored, specifically "bored". If your reaction to reading this is "I can't" that's a good indicator that it will help. But then again I could be way off....I'm only referring to what I learnt for me.

 

[ghotiff]

I'm not tech savvy. I can't put an image in of a task tracker. Sorry.

 

[joeylittle]

This is triggering my deepest, most intractable triggers and I've run out of coping strategies.

Can you tap on it?