Changing transgressive sexual fantasies

[somerandomguy]

Has anyone here had any success with getting rid of violent, disgusting, or otherwise uncomfortable sexual fantasies?

Although I think some people say you don't have to get rid of trauma-based fantasy to consider yourself healed (or "healed enough," or whatever), I really, really hate the fact that using repulsive fantasies is usually a necessity for getting off.

The only thing I can find on the internet about it is meant specifically for women, is by an author I mistrust, and frankly ... the "transgressive" fantasies that her example clients were trying to change were charmingly vanilla and wholesome compared to the things that happen in my head.

Any and all thoughts welcome.

(Also, sorry if this is in the wrong forum. Please move if there's a better place for it.)

 

[joeylittle]

I really, really hate the fact that using repulsive fantasies is usually a necessity for getting off.

I've struggled with this.

Do you mind if I ask...have you ever found a different kind of fantasy that is also effective for you, even if only once?

 

[somerandomguy]

Good question ... I have a couple fantasies that I use - one much, much more often than the other to the point of exclusivity, almost ... but unfortunately both are transgressive. :O_o:

In a great while I do fantasize about slightly less than repulsive sex, but I have to use the transgressive stuff to get off.

@joeylittle ... any further thoughts?

 

[Rumors]

Can you explain what TSF’s are? Not sure I understand.

 

[Mach123]

I have them but I don't want to be rid of them. I don't feel bad anymore the therapist convinced me of this. It took years. She talks about moving beyond it but IDK what she means or I can't picture it or imagine it. I'm very submissive though and in my private life I don't mind it but it makes trying to be myself in the world an nightmare. When I reached puberty, I really felt like I was a girl. A lot of really bad stuff happened. Now I'm older and I'm talking about it. I tried to hide it my whole life, even from me. Things are much better but very much the same in certain ways. I never did move beyond all of that. It seems less dramatic now? This is me, this is what I'm like, this is what happened, these are the things I did.

 

[somerandomguy]

@Rumors - An example of a transgressive sexual fantasy (this is my term for it ... I don't know if there's an actual clinical term) might be that you can only get off if you're thinking about being raped, or raping someone else. (These are not my TSFs, thank god).

@Mach123 - Was there anything specific you did to not feel bad about them anymore? Or was it just a matter of having them for a long period of time?

 

[Sideways]

Instead of trying to “get rid of” certain fantasies that you have, maybe the trick might be to work on developing sexual arousal from other types of fantasies. For example, using different types of porn, and working to associate those other types of porn woth arousal?

 

[somerandomguy]

@Sideways - I have actually tried this, and I enjoy different fantasies sometimes, but I always have go back to the transgressive stuff. It is very difficult being mindful in those particular moments.

I appreciate the suggestion. I guess I could try to re-train myself by stopping whatever it is I happen to be doing when I have transgressive fantasies. I don't know if that would work. I still have needs ... :confused:

 

[Hope4Now]

First, from my understanding, this is pretty common for traumatized people and though there is a ton of shame associated with it, there oughtn't be. It's just what happens for some of us as a result of what happened to us.

You might consider the theory of "parts" of the personality (not as in DID, but as in the theory that all people have parts of themselves and sometimes these parts are in conflict with one another... like the part of you that is disgusted by the fantasies, and the part that needs them). It's not helpful for internal parts to fight--they all have to be dealt with compassionately from the heart--recognized for their different needs. So maybe just accept that the part of you that has "transgressive" fantasies now may be repeating old trauma--needs to for whatever reason, probably continually trying to figure it out. Any kind of repetition develops pathways in the brain, so that's what the go-to fantasy feels like it always needs to be--even for the part that is revolted by that need.

Instead of trying to fight off this part of you, perhaps "talk" to him or her with kindness and care, and let them know that there are other parts of you who struggle with this kind of fantasy and feel that it isn't healthy for you as a whole person. Then see what comes up inside.

BTW and IMHO, I don't think any kinds of fantasies are bad unless they interfere in a negative way in your life. I guess I say that because your disgust with your needs along with your opposing desire to change them are clear in your post. I, again IMHO, don't think you should be so hard on yourself.

 

[PTSD4UandME]

Hi, know I'm late to the thread but I just found this site and have been combing through some of the older threads, and I'd like to throw in my 2 cents.

Personally, I don't think you should view these fantasies as inherently dangerous or wrong, but as a natural extension or yourself and your needs, for better or worse. I feel very firmly that your sexuality is one aspect of yourself that you simply cannot change, and denying and subverting them won't make them any less real or any less a part of you, and will in fact probably cause you a lot of pain and eventual psychic disintegration if you try to lie to yourself about what you want and need. I would sit down with yourself and dig deeply into exactly what it makes you feel, and why it might do so. If it does truly cause dangerously negative reactions to yourself, perhaps avoiding them would be the best route, but denying their reality even if you don't act on them is not a healthy approach. I think it is very possible that these fetishes could be a means of processing critical unresolved traumas that are locked in you, waiting for a healthy way to be re-experienced and released.

Have you ever considered checking out a BDSM community? It may be intimidating, but the vast majority of people who belong there are very, very concerned with making sure that consent, mutual respect, and safety are always the absolute number one priority, and may help you realize that rape fantasies, etc. are not nearly as rare as you might think, and that there are healthy, consenting ways to approach the issue.

Hope this helps some!

 

[somerandomguy]

Have you ever considered checking out a BDSM community?

I was in that community when I was still with my abuser. I'm not interested.

It may be intimidating, but the vast majority of people who belong there are very, very concerned with making sure that consent, mutual respect, and safety

I think a lot of people have had the opposite experience. It probably depends on the community, but it just takes a single predator to make an entire BDSM community unsafe.

 

[PTSD4UandME]

I was in that community when I was still with my abuser. I'm not interested.
..it just takes a single predator to make an entire BDSM community unsafe.

Gotcha. Well, I don't have any other advice, really, but I hope you find a way to resolve this!