Sexual Fantasies If You Haven't Been Raped (asking Women)

[Vireril]

I'm certainly not an expert, but I think if the activity triggers you then maybe you are reenacting the abuse in some way, rather than having an actual preference for it? Just a thought.

 

[Adevef]

I'm certainly not an expert, but I think if the activity triggers you then maybe you are reenacting the abuse in some way, rather than having an actual preference for it?

You may be on to something here. My fantasies have involved roughness almost to the point of being forced. But, in real life this sort of thing triggers me. Every. Single. Time. I wonder if I'm somehow trying to conquer my demons? If it matters, my molestation was not rough in the least.

I've only had one sexual partner who has never triggered me. And that includes anyone with whom I've done anything more than kiss. The first time we had sex I was so underwhelmed. (Really, when everyone else youve been with has been forceful in some capacity, you half way expect it. When it isnt there you think something is missing.) But then I realized that this is exactly what I need. I finally trust someone and I know he isn't going to force me to do anything I don't want to. (He's very aware of this issue as he knows he's the only guy who's never triggered me in the physical department.)

 

[Aderoz]

My fantasies and sex life are greatly impacted by my trauma too and it really really bothers me. My fantasies involve some combination of older men, loss of control, being taken advantage of, used, tricked, etc. It very much mirrors my sexual abuse and disturbs me. I have sometimes been able to enjoy sex without these fantasies but in general these disturbing fantasies take up too much of my sex fantasy repertoire.

For awhile I though trying to explore some of my fantasies in real life would help process them but that was a terrible idea, I couldn't be anything but emotionally numb and felt disconnected from my partner. Sometimes when I'm down, I resort to coping by drinking and having cybersex to play out my fantasies, this results in days and days of feeling numb, depressed and empty- soul crushing pain from the trauma being reignited. I'm sure some women who haven't had trauma have disturbing sex fantasies but then again maybe it isn't a big deal to them emotionally because it isn't reigniting the past trauma, they can have their fantasies and not have the emotional aftermath.

I believe my brain goes back to these fantasies in part because I still have work to do in coming to terms with my abusive childhood. My therapist recommended working on coming up with new and healthier fantasies and cautioned that it takes time and the new fantasies will likely not be as exciting, especially at first. I am working on this but it seems like it is too huge of a goal to accomplish.

I think the best book on the topics of where sex fantasies come from and how to deal with disturbing ones is "The Erotic Mind" by Jack Morin.

 

[Gosopak]

I've never been raped or sexually assaulted, and I'd say I've fantasized about "dirty stuff".

[I apologise if anything I say offends anybody - that's not my intent, I'm trying to answer as honestly as I can. If you have problems with this stuff, or could be triggered by discussion of it, you may want to consider skipping this post.]



Prefacing by saying that fantasy and reality are not the same thing...

I sometimes like things rough (occasionally very rough - this is not the same as being forced, or being raped). That said, on occasion I've had fantasies about being forced. I like loss of control (to an extent) both in fantasy and in actuality. But I believe there's a big BIG BIG difference between having a fantasy and actually wanting to act on it, or wanting something to happen in real life. Just as I believe that (so long as it's not harming you in any way, physically or mentally) there's a big BIG BIG difference between a fantasy being acted upon between loving partners playing trust games, even ones involving a limited amount of pain, (where things stop if either one is uncomfortable with it, without question or rebuke), and anything that's real. I also believe it can be healthy to have fantasies, even very dark ones, so long as you aren't hurt or disturbed by them.

I think, though, that if you have been assaulted or raped, it's probably all a lot more complicated than 'just' a fantasy. Then I'd guess (as a layman) that there's probably a lot more to it that may need to be explored, or at least considered. It may be a fantasy or preference (I'd imagine that's perfectly possible), but it may be an attempt at reliving something that's happened to you. That's something for a therapist to deal with, because it (again, I'd imagine) would be different for everyone, and t probably runs very deep indeed (I'd also imagine a lot depends on your background, and how you were brought up to view sex itself).

I'd suggest that if you feel disturbed by anything you fantasize about - or if you can't control that fantasy - that may be a pretty good warning sign that it's more than a 'normal' fantasy.

I think (from the perspective of never having been assaulted sexually, only physically), that what you say is very true - that "normal" women have dark fantasies too, but don't find them disturbing, because the trauma isn't there in the first place.

 

[Ikuca]

OP here. I'm grateful for the responses. Thank you for sharing and makig me feel less alone. It helps me in thinking about this.

@ Gosopak, you've been very sensitive the way you posted. Thank you for sharing your view. It makes a lot of sense.

 

[Awa]

I think (from the perspective of never having been assaulted sexually, only physically), that what you say is very true - that "normal" women have dark fantasies too, but don't find them disturbing, because the trauma isn't there in the first place.

I agree.