Child Abuse And Guilt

[scott_1971_h]

My mother has been dead since 1993, and she never admitted that she was abusive. After she died, we found several notebooks that she used as diaries. Only once in all the pages did she vaguely elude to the fact that she was hard on us and pushed us away. On top of that, she talked a lot about my sisters in the diaries, but I am only mentioned once in passing.

I'd like to know how you delt with your very own Yeti's passing too, she's getting old and i can't wait to NOT go to the funeral. I am thinking of getting a copy of the death certificate, and framing it and hanging it somewhere I can worship it CONSTANTLY.
Scott

 

[ChillyNilly]

Hi Scott,
Your question wasn't to me but I'd like to add my answer to it, please.

I hated her for a very long time. I hated her for living, for what she did to me, for dying before I could get her to say why, to recognize her behavior, to do something that validated my pain, pain that she had a lot of responsiblity for. She died in 1997. I came to terms with the pain that was driving my anger sometime in the last couple of years. I read a series of books (I read a lot) on narcissim to help me understand narcissim, not from my experiential perspective, but from the perspective of someone who'd studied narcissim; someone outside my own head. Once I understood more about what it was I as dealing with intellectualy and emotionally, and not solely emotionally, I was able to begin working through this aspect of my recovery.

I learned, amongst many many other things on narcissists, that they are not capable of empathy.

Empathy is "...the skill or ability to tap into our own experiences in order to connect with an experience someone is relating to us." Brene Brown - I Thought it was Just me (but it isn't) Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power. Or in other words, to walk in someone else's shoes.

Which led me to the question, if she was unwilling or unable to imagine what her actions were doing to me, if she can only experience her behavior without consequence, solely from her own perspective, then how can I realistically expect her to acknowledge or validate my pain? Or my Dad, too, for that matter?

A large part of my healing process was learning to let go of the things I could not control, and I couldn't, and can't control my parents. It hurt a lot less after I came through the fire that exploded when I first willingly touched this place of pain. I may not have been able to do anything about their treatment of me when I was a little girl, but I'm not a little girl anymore. I was, though, until I went through the fire and cried out a lot of the pain that was keeping me small and afraid.

The narcissism books were:

• Children of the Self-Absorbed, a Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcisstic Parents, by Nina Brown
• The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, by Eleanor Payson (Highly Recommended)
• Disarming the Narcissist Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed, by Wendy Behary

As always, wishing you peace. If your Yeti dies and it brings you peace, that's a good thing.
Nilly

 

[Spero3]

I'd like to know how you delt with your very own Yeti's passing too, she's getting old and i can't wait to NOT go to the funeral. I am thinking of getting a copy of the death certificate, and framing it and hanging it somewhere I can worship it CONSTANTLY.
Scott

Well, to put it bluntly, I felt nothing. I saw her dead body and felt absolutely nothing. I cried, because other's cried, and I wondered if something was wrong with me. Over the years, I have accepted that I felt nothing, because there was nothing to feel. I had stopped loving her years before. I rarely think about her accept now when I am writing a book about my childhood. I never remember her on the anniversary of her death or on her birthday. I don't have anything positive to say about her or positive memories to share. I figure living day-to-day with the damage she did is all the attention she deserves.

I wish I had something more to share with you.

Spero

 

[Spero3]

Oh, I am going to have to get one, or more, of these books on narcissistic parents. My father is the king. He is so unbelievably selfish. He's never changed, and at 75, he never will.

Spero

 

[ChillyNilly]

LOL! It's PTSD not PSTD. A little slysdexia, I mean dyslexia, anyone? :D I've mixed it up so often I should use it as a tagline!

 

[scott_1971_h]

I learned, amongst many many other things on narcissists, that they are not capable of empathy.

Empathy is "...the skill or ability to tap into our own experiences in order to connect with an experience someone is relating to us." Brene Brown - I Thought it was Just me (but it isn't) Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power. Or in other words, to walk in someone else's shoes.

Nilly

Yeti was UNIQUELY EMPATHETIC. Every muscle and every eye movement she is UNIQUELY attuned to and scanning. Constantly. And she is UNIQUELY manipulative. Everyone feels exactly what she wants them to feel. Makes me think about wax dolls and knitting needles. She's superhumanly gifted.
What she lacks is conscience. Along with all that sensitivity and manipulation, this makes her literally an "interpersonal terrorist". And you can't tell anyone because she's so gifted at hiding/rationalising/denying it. She can anticipate what you feel, what you might say, what you might do, everything. Its impossible to tell people that she's sucking the life out of them as they just stand there because it's so covert and subtle. They don't see it.
If she does not think you can be useful, you had better steer clear. If she doesn't like you, RUN LIKE F**K.

Scott

 

[hazen]

My parents were my abusers. Besides the physical abuse, the worst of which happened at night when they caught me awake, they were quick to hit and verbally abuse for just about anything under the sun. They set up a life for me where I never felt free in any sense of the word... I was their pet that had to act and behave how they wanted.

My parents were shocked when I informed them that I am going to therapy. They think only "crazy" people go to therapy... and so I only gave vague general reasons for why I am going. I think if I told them why I am really going... that beating me repeatedly in my bed at night with their fists, belts, and kitchen utencils (who the hell keeps a metal spoodle handy to beat their kids???) has made it incredibly difficult to go to sleep every single night of my life... they would be shocked.

Maybe I shouldn't feel this way? Maybe I shouldn't shy from telling them? I don't know. I have too much contact with them I think it would make my life more difficult. Frequently after my mother would beat me she would then cry... and then me, the 8 year old boy, would console HER for having to beat me. She would tell me how she hated her father for beating her and she felt bad for hitting me. Then she would do it again the next night.

So my parents haven't expressed guilt. And I guess I might never tell them what they have done to me. Is that me protecting them still?

Thank you all for sharing and for letting me share!

 

[scott_1971_h]

So my parents haven't expressed guilt. And I guess I might never tell them what they have done to me. Is that me protecting them still?

Thank you all for sharing and for letting me share!

I thought I might 'protect' Yeti and Dud from what I think of them, by also telling them what I think of them. I simply have nothing to do with either of them. They are living in my head already (flashbacks etc) and I want to evict them. And believe me, they are in rent arrears.
They've done enough damage.

Scott

 

[scott_1971_h]

I think if I told them why I am really going... that beating me repeatedly in my bed at night with their fists, belts, and kitchen utencils (who the hell keeps a metal spoodle handy to beat their kids???) has made it incredibly difficult to go to sleep every single night of my life... they would be shocked.

Me too :-). Bed time was Yeti at her Best. And once she asked me "Why do you do it" boo hoo hoo, I was 15 and I'd told her to piss off. She was going to top herself. I honestly wonder what would have happened if I had offered to help... maybe I should have.

Scott

 

[Mercy]

My parents were shocked when I informed them that I am going to therapy. They think only "crazy" people go to therapy... and so I only gave vague general reasons for why I am going. I think if I told them why I am really going... that beating me repeatedly in my bed at night with their fists, belts, and kitchen utencils (who the hell keeps a metal spoodle handy to beat their kids???) has made it incredibly difficult to go to sleep every single night of my life... they would be shocked.
Maybe I shouldn't feel this way? Maybe I shouldn't shy from telling them? I don't know. I have too much contact with them I think it would make my life more difficult.

There is a time for everything. Now may not be the time for confrontation that is good for you. Healing, returning self respect and self worth, a feeling of competance in the world are strengths that therapy brings us. When we have a full bavckpack of good stuff they cannot belittle or take away with just a look, then the time may be right.

Please, treat yourself well even if you need to learn what that means and how to do it. You deserve all the good you can find and more.

 

[Tinyflame]

You are very right, and as do you Mercy too.
xox

 

[Mercy]

Yeti was UNIQUELY EMPATHETIC. Every muscle and every eye movement she is UNIQUELY attuned to and scanning.... What she lacks is conscience. Along with all that sensitivity and manipulation, this makes her literally an "interpersonal terrorist". And you can't tell anyone because she's so gifted at hiding/rationalising/denying it.

I'm sad that Yeti was so poisonous for you. You deserved so much better.

I think the above comment about lacking a conscience is the definition of someone with no true empathy. The Army Psychiatrist who interveiwed the Germans standing trial at Neuremburg after WWll came to the conclusion that what the men had in common was no empathy.

"UNIQUELY EMPATHETIC" sounds an aweful lot like hypervigilant...attuned to and scanning - hypervigilant?
Do you know her 'backstory'?

I hope that in time you will begin to look at your suffering in a way that was too hard to do when she was alive.