Child Abuse And Guilt

[ronin47]

My abusers have expressed guilt at times. The thing is I've learned "I'm sorry" and "I'll do better next time" are not necessarily the same thing. My stepfather would apologize for calling me the b word (months after he actually did it :rolleyes:) and then go right back to his verbal,emotional, and at physical abuse. That was because they apologize without contemplating their own internal turmoil that drove them to do it. I couldn't expect them to effectively mend or nurture a relationship with me when they were still struggling with their own internal demons.

It's a terrible irony. The only person who has given an "official" overarching apology for the general way they treated me as a child is my stepfather, and he arguably hurt me the worst. On my twentieth birthday, he sent me an email wishing me happy birthday and asking me to forgive him, or rather, saying he hoped someday I could forgive him.

My mother did tell me she was sorry once and expressed what I know was sincere remorse. The reason I know is because there were tears in her eyes when she said it and she is not an emotional person in the least. It happened when I told her about my stepfather sexually molesting me when I was 8 years old. At first she struggled to keep her matter-of-fact, get-the-facts persona as she asked me for details, then as I went into details she broke down and hugged me, telling me, "I'm just so sorry. It may not have been intentional but it still hurt you and I'm sorry. And it certainly had nothing to do with you." She then sunk to the floor and began talking about how she remembered seeing my stepfather expose himself to me. He would walk around the house stark naked and do things like put my hair ties on his penis. My mom told me she felt bad for not being more assertive when telling him he needed to put clothes on around me.

So, it wasn't an explicit "I'm sorry for not protecting you," but it was close enough.

 

[scott_1971_h]

"I'm sorry" doesn't mean anything if it doesn't change. Same thing, day in, day out. And they're so sorry they keep doing it (or get better at it like Yeti did)
Scott

 

[jasmin]

Mine was my wardrobe. I used to hide in there while Hell rained down everywhere else.
Scott

Oh! All the hours I spent in the wardrobe! I learned to lock it from the inside (as it was an old one with a key lock... I'd keep the key in my pocket) my mother would thrash at the thing hollering like mad.. like a starved caveman at a vending machine. I remember I collected these glow in the dark cards that I blutacked to the inside of the wardrobe door (odbodz if anyone can remember them.. they came in chip packets) I would just stare at their glowing monster figures for hours and hours.

My mother got medicated heavily when I was 13.. like docile medicated.. she spent years sleeping after that... in the last few years as I have been going through all of my shit she has got better.. she goes out and partakes in activities etc.. but she is still um.. not right in that it is plainly obvious why she is on a disability pension. She is like a child.. an innocent little child.. she is, to put it harshly.. mentally incapacitated.

But she is guilty.. she feels so very guilty.. I have even seen her in all her stupid innocence cry wholeheartedly from her guilt. But that just makes me feel guilty (horrifically guilty) because she (as she is now) should not feel guilty.. the perpetrator was her illness, that vile monster that emerged from her when I was a child. But that person.. that thing doesn't exist anymore to express that kind of guilt to me.. What I would give for her to slip back into psychosis for one damn minute so I could confront that godawful thing and get some kind of closure from it but that.. is impossible.

I don't blame her.. it was an illness.. but MAN! How I wish I had something to blame!!!

 

[Mercy]

I curled up in fetal position and wedged myself between the wall and my long dresser with my hands over both ears and was silently screaming... for years when I'd get upset, my mouth would open but no sound would come out. I would want to scream but was afraid to.

Did you ever see the painting called the scream by a famous Impressionist painter, Munch. Do a google image search and I'm pretty sure you will see it.

Alby, Sethe, Jasmin, Scott, Ronin, and Spero What you went through at such a young age is truely horrific. THese were the years for learning, playing and nurture. THat was ruined for you all. Since home was the battleground you didn't get the chance to learn trust, tenderness, and god natural family loyality. When our families don't model reasoned, rational and compassionate actions, we don't learn them at home either.

I'm sorry you all have had so much to overcome in order become the people you want to be.

 

[scott_1971_h]

it was an illness

OMG I wish Yeti had an illness. I'm afraid it's worse, much worse. It's her entire personality...
Scott

 

[BloomInWinter]

Ugh.

So triggering, this thread.

My Mom minimized it all until it killed her. But I know she felt horribly guilty just trapped. I'm certain she had PTSD.

My Dad...well, I still have no idea WTF he was. Sociopath? NPD? Compulsive liar. Never a shred of empathy, guilt, responsibility there. All my fault.

My older sis, NPD, Bi-polar? Misdiagnosed and really PTSD with psychotic features, I suspect.

My younger sis...hmmmm.never any remorse, there. Compulsive liar, too. Severe PD of some kind.

Wow, now my head is pounding....

 

[freakofnurture]

The only person who has given an "official" overarching apology for the general way they treated me as a child is my stepfather, and he arguably hurt me the worst. On my twentieth birthday, he sent me an email wishing me happy birthday and asking me to forgive him, or rather, saying he hoped someday I could forgive him.

An e-mal? Seriously? What a f*cktard.

And he sounds like my f*ther exactly. He 'apologised' to me on prom night while (ugh) hugging me. He asked me to forgive him, cried a bit and after I said "Yeah, alright." (to make him leave me alone) he went to my mom and told her "She forgives me." Shows how seriously he took what he did to me - to actually believe that I could just let it all go sponteaneously because he said "I'm sorry. I didn't understand that you are human."

The biggest insult from him, though, was when I was in the clinic for the first time and there was a f*mily session with my two therapists. Daddy dearest just hung there on his chair like a wet washcloth, not saying a word, no emotional reaction at all when I told mom and him that I cut. He later told me that he just appeared disinterested and that it's not his problem when others perceive him wrongly. Stupid bastard. I hate him so much. So infinitely much.

My mom told me she felt bad for not being more assertive when telling him he needed to put clothes on around me.

She was joking, right. Tell me that she was joking! I mean, hello? Everything short of divorcing the man who flashes his man-parts to his stepdaughter is criminal neglect. At least in my eyes. How could she take that risk?? How???

Words, words, words, no effect, more words, still no effect, more words, etc. etc. And if you replace 'go exhibitionist' with 'psychologically torture' you have my p*rents. Though my mom only cried when she told me an aspect where she was the poorest little bun-bun in the story.

I know of some heads that would have been ripped off decades ago were this a just world.

 

[ronin47]

An e-mal? Seriously? What a f*cktard.

Actually I was not at all taken aback by the fact that he sent it in an email. I was to overcome with emotion over the fact that he even apologized at all.

She was joking, right. Tell me that she was joking!

Why? She admitted she was wrong for not protecting me somehow or another, that's way more than many child abuse survivors could ever hope for. She told me she was sorry and she meant it. I have no hatred in my heart for her or my stepfather because I know they were (and in some ways still are) damaged people as well. I know what they did had nothing to do with me and everything to do with them and the fact that they themselves were tormented inside.

 

[freakofnurture]

I know what they did had nothing to do with me and everything to do with them and the fact that they themselves were tormented inside.

They were adults and you were their child. They were responsible for your wellbeing. It would have been their job to get therapy, to put you somewhere safe, to act for your wellbeing. They didn't. That's neglect.

It's like they bought a dog but then were too lazy to feed it or take it for a walk. You don't get a dog when you know you can't care for it, and if you don't realise that you can't care for it because your head is too far up the *ss of your own psycho problems, it's even worse.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I think it's ok to be wherever we are in our healing journey.

Some moments, no amount of groveling and public humiliation of my abusers would be enough for me to feel like I can forgive; and others, I'd be thrilled to receive any acknowledgement at all.

It's ok to be any place we are that helps us survive and heal.

I honor all your steps in this painful journey that is carrying the heavily weighted PTSD pack. It's not easy for anyone.

May we all find healing and peace.

 

[freakofnurture]

I think ok to be wherever we are in our healing journey.

You're right. I'm sorry if my post sounded like I wouldn't respect that. I'm just concerned. I find it very hard to tell the difference between forgiveness/understanding and minimisation/excuse.

 

[BloomInWinter]

You're right. I'm sorry if my post sounded like I wouldn't respect that. I'm just concerned. I find it very hard to tell the difference between forgiveness/understanding and minimisation/excuse.

Oh, believe me, I struggle with all this too!!! I keep waiting for SOMETHING to feel 'intuitive' but maybe it's just not going to happen for me, IDK.

I do know that even today, for most women with children under the best of circumstances the choice to leave someone often results in poverty and great instability in all areas of life. My Mom might have left him, but if she had to leave us home alone to work, or leave us with (*shivering*) a worse monster maybe that would have ended us in worse circumstances, who knows?

In between the poles of forgiveness/understanding and minimization/excuses is the giant grey nuanced area that is human experience...and seeing more of the 'parts' can help us find that which can help us find meaning.

I want all children to have safe childcare and afterschool...so I fight for those things politically and socially. Yes, those wouldn't have made a complete difference in my life but I do believe more women would be helped to get their children away from 'the monsters they know' if they weren't faced with that great unknown. (& men too, just that the majority is women...)

...and if the powers that fight for 'family values' truly put that money towards forcing all those deadbeat parents into paying their debts, far more unsupported parents would have the time, energy, and help to give towards their children's health and education.

I do struggle with seeing those nuances that truly make up the 'web of causation' that enables and indeeds, creates an environment where children are easily targeted by those in their circles with the worst intentions.

..and sharing our lives is bringing about awareness. Hopefully someday these fixable problems will be addressed in public policy.