To the OP and topic, I admit I am not sure how to go about answering this. Um, if it was a brother, and you were under age 7, you would be highly likely to have amnesia for the actual abuse. You would only have the emotions, like you talk about, and memories of milder grooming, which you do have, it would seem.
All I do know to be true is that where there is smoke, there is likely some fire. Where, is not clear. It could be someone was abusing several kids and this was just aftershocks from that.
If very strong negative emotions are there, then something happened that was abusive, in my experience; maybe not true for all.
From my experience, when flashbacks and memories surface, the moments prior to the trauma repeat like a skipping record and eventually a fragment of the trauma gets broken off and surfaces, which is not pleasant to say the least. You are in that phase when you replay the memory over and over, or it intrudes on you constantly. You get obsessed with it as it is unpleasantly concerning and also confusing and incomplete/unresolved. Anxiety goes way up at that time.
However, what is good is that if a flashback or memory occurs, then you could gain the information you are asking about, the who, what, when, where and how did it make me feel and how it affects me now. You can find out what the triggers are, and deal appropriately with that by removing them or knowing how to expose yourself wisely to them prepared for them.
In my experience you are:
1. Asking the critical question of yourself
2. Remembering/replaying the record right up to the critical moment
3. Trying to remember
Therefore, you are likely to be going along and something will tip this into the trauma, as you are on the edge of it. It is really upsetting and upsetting though, when you fall off that edge of not remembering.
You need to get into a strong support relationship and be in therapy and able to access anxiety meds for the panics that could happen if this is the case.
This is all how I have experiened childhood CSA trauma memory. And from my research since the 90's, this is kind of a overtired Friday summary.
Some fragments tell me what happened and how it felt to me, but I never knew the name of the abusers. I cannot get a clear view of their faces. I was 4. I hardly knew the men, never got a normal look at them or split the trauma from the other memory of them.
But I do know where, and when, so I was able to figure out who they were from that. I found out one is dead. So that's a relief of sorts.
I'm sorry that you are going through this. It is a tough place to be.
Please surround yourself with supports, medical, friends, therapy, the forum. You are not alone with this. Many, many good folks have gone through this. It is unfortunately so common.
All I do know to be true is that where there is smoke, there is likely some fire. Where, is not clear. It could be someone was abusing several kids and this was just aftershocks from that.
If very strong negative emotions are there, then something happened that was abusive, in my experience; maybe not true for all.
From my experience, when flashbacks and memories surface, the moments prior to the trauma repeat like a skipping record and eventually a fragment of the trauma gets broken off and surfaces, which is not pleasant to say the least. You are in that phase when you replay the memory over and over, or it intrudes on you constantly. You get obsessed with it as it is unpleasantly concerning and also confusing and incomplete/unresolved. Anxiety goes way up at that time.
However, what is good is that if a flashback or memory occurs, then you could gain the information you are asking about, the who, what, when, where and how did it make me feel and how it affects me now. You can find out what the triggers are, and deal appropriately with that by removing them or knowing how to expose yourself wisely to them prepared for them.
In my experience you are:
1. Asking the critical question of yourself
2. Remembering/replaying the record right up to the critical moment
3. Trying to remember
Therefore, you are likely to be going along and something will tip this into the trauma, as you are on the edge of it. It is really upsetting and upsetting though, when you fall off that edge of not remembering.
You need to get into a strong support relationship and be in therapy and able to access anxiety meds for the panics that could happen if this is the case.
This is all how I have experiened childhood CSA trauma memory. And from my research since the 90's, this is kind of a overtired Friday summary.
Some fragments tell me what happened and how it felt to me, but I never knew the name of the abusers. I cannot get a clear view of their faces. I was 4. I hardly knew the men, never got a normal look at them or split the trauma from the other memory of them.
But I do know where, and when, so I was able to figure out who they were from that. I found out one is dead. So that's a relief of sorts.
I'm sorry that you are going through this. It is a tough place to be.
Please surround yourself with supports, medical, friends, therapy, the forum. You are not alone with this. Many, many good folks have gone through this. It is unfortunately so common.
