Sufferer Childhood Abuse

[Minty]

I joined this site to ask for some help. I'm a 15 male who 2 years ago was abused by my father and stepmother. Now I'm suffering from PTSD and Depression. I suffer from the following syntomps of PTSD and Depression;

Depression (Diagnosed)
* I’m very sad and I feel like crying all day but the tears won’t come
* I feel hopeless as to fix anything
* I’ve lost interest in everything, I still try to maintain interests but now they feel like a chore more than something I enjoy, I mainly research my problems and they to fix them.
* I can’t focus on anything and it makes passing tests difficult (I still make good grades but…)
* I am always very tired even when I get a lot of sleep.
* I don’t really eat as much, I just see it as something I have to do to maintain myself. I still have hunger which I satisfy, It’s no longer an enjoyable activity.
* I have really bad headaches.
* My brain feels like it’s spinning when I try to talk about my problems and it affects my physical seeing.
* I feel like my thoughts are very unorganized.
* It physically hurts for me to run.
* I’m always just really upset throughout the day and I flip out on anyone who tries to annoy me.

PTSD (Diagnosis In Progress)
* I have had frequent nightmares of me reliving the event. It’s really awful. The nightmares feel real. I’m really stressed on the days I wake up from one.
*I feel very lonely and disconnected from others, even in school when I’m surrounded by my friends. I can’t connect with others and talking to others is very difficult and stressful.
* I am always very nervous that someone in public is going to hurt me. At school this has really bothered me.
* In a book I read hyperventilating is likly if 14 breaths or more a minute and so I grabbed my phone and set a one minute timer and I breathed and counted my breaths and I breaths 28 breaths in one minute.
* I can’t focus. I keep using the wrong words for things and it’s very confusing.
* I’ve become very serious when it comes to things. I’m either dissociated or focused.
* I’m always really nervous.
* I feel absolutely worthless and I’ve changed from someone normal to someone who always feels like crying but I can’t even cry.
* focusing is really difficult.
* I feel like I have less emotions then everyone else.

I'm also sucidial I have 3 different plans on how to kill myself. I'm starting on antidepressants soon and I see a therapist. I just don't know what to do. I just want to cry and the tears won't come :(

 

[season24]

Reading that makes me sad because not only do I feel so bad for you but I feel like I'm reading something I could have written myself. I have severe PTSD and slight Depression, and I am on depression meds and anxiety ones for my panic attacks. They do help but they don't fix everything, at least not for me. I have been told by therapists sometimes its good to cry and that I can't keep holding it all in. Something that works for me is watching a sad movie, the most successful for me are ones that are sad in the middle but good in the end so the part that's makes me cry gets resolved. Crying is very difficult for me because I find myself thinking crying shows signs of weakness even though I know in my heart it doesn't mean you are weak. When I do get out a good cry I do find myself feeling a little better.

I thought PTSD would prevent me from ever having a normal life, I just realized eventually that normal was what you perceived it to be. It was so hard when I was your age that I tried ending it more times then I can count but something always happened that made it so I lived. I am now happily married but still have trouble with a lot of things but also have had many many good memories that wouldn't have happened if any of my attempts had been successful. I can't tell you when it will get better but eventually it will. It took time and patience and a lot of therapy, but I got to a much better place and I truly believe you can too.

I still have the nightmares, my doctors and therapists have tried many medications or relaxation methods and sometimes the nightmares leave for a little bit but most of the time they are still there. I did have some success with a medication Seroquel that stopped my nightmares but made me too tired during the day, but maybe if you bring it up with your doctor they can decide if its right for you.

I wish I had all the answers for you but to be honest I'm still looking for some of my own. But I can tell you I am grateful all the time that my attempts failed. My husband tells me the same thing :)

 

[Minty]

I didn't mean to make you sad I'm sorry I'm so worthless I cant even ask for help without making others sad. I'm really sorry :'( I'm diagnosed as severely depressed and I have moderate PTSD (my docs don't know if that's what I have or not), I'm always so tired, I am very sad and all day I long for somebody to cuddle me. I want to cry but the tears won't come. On another support site I was called a (the B word) (I don't like cussing, it saddens me) and I didn't even cry. Being emotionally numb stinks. I need a hug badly...

 

[macca]

Hey buddy

Hang in there. If others feel for you, that is a good thing, and something you maybe need more of. I am also struggling with depression and PTSD, and feel worthless. I can see how others have worth, but have trouble seeing that for myself - I wonder if you feel that way too. You DO have value, you have as much right to be valued as any other human on this earth, and as my therapist pointed out to me - - what happened to you is not a reflection of anything about you - it is a reflection of what others have done to you, for their own reasons.

Therapy is starting to help me, even though it's tough - keep hanging on, it can help you too. Big hugs to you!

 

[Minty]

Hey,

I am literally about to burst into tears except the tears won't come, I feel so worthless and hate myself, every single thing I've ever done wrong (and not even wrong, controversial stuff like what stupid thing did I do in 3rd grade) won't leave me alone. I am so lonely and am longing for somebody to cuddle me... I'm really sad :'(

 

[digger]

I didn't mean to make you sad I'm sorry I'm so worthless I cant even ask for help without making others sad

That's not how it is Minty. Your situation is making people feel sad because they can empathise with it and feel for you. It's not that have you have done something to make them sad, but what has been done to you. Are you able to see the difference?

Can I ask what your home situation is now? You said you are seeing a therapist. How long have you been seeing them and is it helping at all? You sound very alone and I'm just wondering what support you have?

 

[Springer80]

Hi minty, like digger said, are you safe now? Is your environment not dangerous at least even if it may not be supportive. Your only a wee boy, I don't mean to be patronizing but I'm 33 now and I was being abused at your age. I look back now and can feel how vulnerable I was. If I could, I'd give you a hug sweetheart. Your a very worthwhile and lovely boy I'm sure and one day you will be able to get the proper love and respect you deserve. Look after yourself wont you.

 

[rightkindofme]

We feel sad because we empathize, not because we pity you. I have a similar list of symptoms. I'm pretty convinced I'm a worthless piece of ____.

But at 32 I've figured out that *my perception* of things isn't always accurate. My brain perceives things in the worst way possible and I'm still usually scared. It's hard.

But I found a husband who thinks I am the best thing since sliced bread. I have two daughters who love me so much that I can barely stand it.

I started making suicide plans when I was seven. Now I'm glad I'm alive. I hope you get to a similar place. I am so sorry for what you have suffered.

This terrible moment you are in will end. I don't know what will come next, but things will change in some way or another.

I'll keep you in my thoughts. I hope you get the help you need. You deserve it. You aren't worthless.

 

[RdeC]

Minty, firstly so you know - I am a middle-aged adult. Secondly, I am very sorry that you are having so many problems as a result of the abuse you were subjected too. Much of what you describe is horribly familiar and is classic symptomatology for PTSD. The depression is a secondary problem directly consequent to the overall PTSD issue. Your inability to express emotion is entirely consistent with PTSD and is called psychic numbing; when the dam does break it will do so in some style and NOT crying will be your primary problem!

At least you have disclosed your abuse and are getting the support and treatment you need. This is essential to recovery - if it's any consolation it to me 30 years to disclose but I was still able to recover - largely without any help, support or guidance so it is possible. But: it is not an easy road and you are still very young. That is not intended as a patronising insult but recognition that the part of your brain that would normally process trauma is still developing. The poor concentration, anger, low self-worth, nightmares, flashbacks etc are all classic problems and, as you describe, extremely distressing. All I can say at this point is it will get better.

It goes without saying that you should never have been put in this situation in the first place. It is not your fault in any way shape or form. Many victims of CSA carry with them a whole range of what are called 'cognitive assumptions' relating to their trauma ordeal(s) which rattle around in your head adding to your misery. These will be addressed as part of your therapy / treatment but in the meantime it is important to keep reminding yourself that you are not responsible for what happened. You have a solid understanding of the problems you are having associated with your trauma which bodes well for your eventual recovery. Just remember though: baby steps - it 'ain't gonna happen overnight. I wish!

Stay strong, little dude....

 

[Minty]

I'm really scared, I am still forced to see my father and my stepmother who abused me, they are still abusing me emotionally, as I said I've also become suicidal and may have to go to a hospital if those thoughts don't go away soon. I am in a therapy session weekly and I am starting on antidepressants (which since the warning they carry about suicide I'm nervous about starting). I'm really sad and I want to cry but the tears won't come. Any advice?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Minty,

Did you tell your therapist about the abuse? Are you in the USA? I ask because a therapist in the USA is mandated to report abuse. Reporting is HARD, but it may be what is needed to get you away from those who are abusing you.

 

[RdeC]

Under no circumstances should your abusers still be able to have any contact with you - no wonder you are feeling threatened, it's hardly surprising. I had rather assumed that they were being investigated by the police etc given you are receiving diagnoses and treatment. Is this not the case? Has your abuse been reported to the police - if not it needs to be without delay to protect you in the first instance from any further harm or distress, but also because clearly they represent an unacceptable threat to young boys.