Chipping away remaining self-blame

[ILoveLife]

Due to addiction recovery I've been incuted that Responsibility flag, which is appropriate for responsibility over current choices and recovery, but not appropriate over being a kid who does drugs so she doesn't deal with real life. I feel the need to repeat a bunch of times that no 13 yo kid wakes up one day and says "Yeah, I'll be an addict when I grow up", it just kinda happened. I did have professional help about it through the entire time of addiction, but if I didn't know the real reason for it (CSA), the therapeutic help was lacking obviously and I ended up relapsing over and over.

With that phase gone, I've been dealing here and in therapy with the big cake of self-blame that I internalized over my entire childhood (particularly from birth until the end of my teens).
I'm aware this comes from the idea when we're children that the world revolves around us, so we're obviously to blame for what happens in it.

So, any thoughts on how to chip away this idea?
T seems to think I need to think on the What We Can Control vs. What We Can't Control in our lives, and attribute responsibility where it lays.

Thanks for any input. (I'll promise not to make too many Core Belief threads at once :D)

 

[Recovery4Me]

I hear you and am working on unraveling some self-blame vs. self-compassion, with my T... but again. ? I can also relate to your addiction in teens (albeit eons ago), & it was an difficult journey to freedom. However, I can offer that I am still in grateful recovery. Yet, I will always remain an potential addict with all the trimmings of emotional sneaky baggage.

So ‘shame’ is something that is inherently hard to dig out from my deep-seated beliefs. It appears to be an companion to my self-blame ( in order to avoid other healthier emotions). Although I have worked on it throughout my life, as in that of recovery... it isn’t an one-shot deal but takes constant work to say,”No!” to self-blame as well as addiction.

*Funny how once the substance was gone, some of us become addicted to self-deprecating thoughts or humor. So sincere encouragement sent to you for understanding your inner critic or achieving freedom. Self-forgiveness or self-compassion can be an strong start.?

 

[ILoveLife]

Hi @Recovery4Me :) Thanks for replying

( in order to avoid other healthier emotions)

Yep, I finding this is the culprit. Thanks for mentioning it, not sure I had connected the correct dots.

Self-forgiveness or self-compassion can be an strong start.

Finding this to be true too. I'm trying though, self-compassion doens't come easy.

 

[Freida]

My T is always yammering on that my self judgement is what is holding on to the blame. Duh - they are pretty much the same thing right? Her thought is that if I can let go of the judgement (woulda shoulda coulda things in the past) and keep myself present to actually look at the chain of the events that created the blame I can get a better grip on it. but to do that I have to stop judging what I'm feeling.

So I've got the what and the why. Now I just have to figure out the how.

 

[ILoveLife]

self judgement is what is holding on to the blame.

This makes a lot of sense actually!

keep myself present to actually look at the chain of the events that created the blame I can get a better grip on it.

So does this.

Now I just have to figure out the how.

CBT "Stop" can be helpful for this I think.
I've been using it in my diary so I don't fall onto the self-blaming myself to infinity trap, and it does fail sometimes but not that often anymore.
I'll think I'll apply it to self-judgement now!

Thanks @Freida, really helpful.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@Freida It is my hope that my self-judgement becomes more tolerant, kinder or fair. Perhaps considering the chain of events as you offered will assist me in that direction. Thanks for the gentle reminder within your offer to Sietz.

@Sietz CBT is really awesome in so many ways! For a bit now, I have been working on Radical Acceptance in DBT with incremental success. But my CBT work was paramount to slow down my self-blame or rumination.

I really appreciated the timing of your thread as well as your candor. It was good to review movement forward with others. Thanks for being you.

 

[ILoveLife]

Thank you, @Recovery4Me ! :)

I'm always getting tools from here and there, they're continuously helpful throughout recovery for most things.

I should look into mindfulness more again, seems like one of the things I let go of and it's important not to.

 

[ILoveLife]

This is helpful!
Benefits of Mindfulness: Practices for Improving Emotional and Physical Well Being

 

[Freida]

yes it is!

 

[ILoveLife]

This is helpful:
http://www.self-esteem-experts.com/support-files/self-esteem-worksheet-1.pdf

 

[Wendell_R]

Things that have helped me come to terms with my addictions:

• I know what a long and hard road it has been to find peace, with the help of a supportive spouse and great therapists. What chance did I have of avoiding addiction when I was young, since the addiction was such a powerful soother?
• My parents believed in sex and alcohol. I never experienced any alternatives, so how would I know what else to do than be addicted?
• I know that I see all around me people doing horribly damaging things that are socially acceptable, I realize that my addictions, while secret, are forgivable.
• If I do not forgive myself, I cannot help others. Being gentle on myself is the best path I have for making amends to others and being a positive benefit to society.
• I know that churches host AA, NA and other self-help groups that promote forgiveness of self and moving forward. Even if I don't find those groups helpful, I can understand that both the addicts and their supporters embrace forgiving the past, making your very best amends, and moving forward one day at a time.

I'm almost two years sober, and maintaining sobriety is easier now than in the past!