caligirl03
Silver Member
Recently I've had an epiphany of sorts as I attempt to encourage my suffer to get into (and STAY in!) therapy or as I simply attempt to deal with his whole range of volatile emotions.
It's simplistic yet so liberating: I cannot control what he does, or by that turn, what anybody does. I can, however, control what I do, even if that's in direct response to what he does.
For example, I gave him complete free reign over his healing process: "You don't have to go to therapy. In fact, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. It's your choice. In the same way, it's my choice whether or not I want to be with you."
Or...
"You don't have to be a kind person if you don't feel like or feel like you can't. But then I also have the choice of whether or not I want to be around you when you're like that."
Is this approach perfect? Admittedly probably far from. Also, I'm in a different situation as I am not married nor have kids with this man, which clearly presents an entirely additional set of challenges.
However, I have found it's far better than the coercive ultimatum, "It's therapy or else..." I know whenever I feel forced into something, I want to turn and do the exact opposite, and my boyfriend is no different. This way I leave the choice entirely up to him while simultaneously setting--and enforcing--my personal boundaries. The choice is his. I shall respond accordingly.
I'm back in the driver's seat after a very long time of hanging for dear life on the back of the car.
Just thought I'd share in case anyone out there can relate to and/or benefit from my little revelation!
It's simplistic yet so liberating: I cannot control what he does, or by that turn, what anybody does. I can, however, control what I do, even if that's in direct response to what he does.
For example, I gave him complete free reign over his healing process: "You don't have to go to therapy. In fact, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. It's your choice. In the same way, it's my choice whether or not I want to be with you."
Or...
"You don't have to be a kind person if you don't feel like or feel like you can't. But then I also have the choice of whether or not I want to be around you when you're like that."
Is this approach perfect? Admittedly probably far from. Also, I'm in a different situation as I am not married nor have kids with this man, which clearly presents an entirely additional set of challenges.
However, I have found it's far better than the coercive ultimatum, "It's therapy or else..." I know whenever I feel forced into something, I want to turn and do the exact opposite, and my boyfriend is no different. This way I leave the choice entirely up to him while simultaneously setting--and enforcing--my personal boundaries. The choice is his. I shall respond accordingly.
I'm back in the driver's seat after a very long time of hanging for dear life on the back of the car.
Just thought I'd share in case anyone out there can relate to and/or benefit from my little revelation!
