LuckyStars
New Here
As I sit Indian style in the middle of my bed with my earbuds in listening to my brother's new album that I just downloaded on iTunes, I am going over the last conversation I had with my sufferer. We have spoken a few times over the last week after a six week isolation. What I am learning is that he has a hard time feeling anything except depression, and the smallest things can and often do trigger him into days, weeks and months of sleepless nights, guilt, depression and isolation. He has moments of peace and happiness. But they are fleeting.
When he is behaving normally, he will be charismatic and engaging. He jokes a lot and we can have lighthearted conversations that give me hope that, just maybe, he will be the bright, witty, sweetheart that I fell in love with for a while. But I can innocently say the wrong thing, and he will shut down on me so fast that I will be left trying to figure out what the heck happened.
This was the case last night when he mentioned that today was his first day of school and that he hoped that he was able to get through the semester with no major incidents. He then went on to tell me about his classes. I asked if he was excited to be returning after the summer. He said "No. Lol. I used to be." I interpreted that to mean that he hadn't been excited about the first day of school since he was a kid. So, my response: "Its exciting, and I'm proud of you! :) You should be!"
I waited... and waited. No response. I wondered if I had said something wrong... But for the life of me, I couldn't figure it out. So, a little while later, I text him and he responds: "Im sleepy now." Now, I realize that we're just texting and sometimes it is hard to make inferences through texts. But, I know him, and I could tell that his mood had changed. I text: "Ok. Good night." He texts: "GN".
It wasn't until this morning that I realized the offense. When he told me that he "used to" be excited the night before back to school, it was because he CAN'T feel the excitement now because of PTSD. My response came across as insensitive because I bluntly pointed out "You should be!" *sigh*........... WHY? How is it so easy to blurt out something so absent mindedly when I genuinely want to be one of the people that he can trust to be understanding and supportive?
I texted him this morning, wishing him a good one and asking how his first class was. He responded. (Thank God. Its become so normal for him to be unresponsive when I text or call that it hurts much less than it used to. That's sad for me. I've either gotten used to it, or numb, or both) He said: " It was fine, sweetie. Thanks. And good morning to you too." Not too bad, I thought. At least he was polite. I then said: "I apologize for last night. I realized how I slipped and I'm sorry." Then, nothing. And here it is 1:15 a.m. and there was nothing all day.
I don't know. It doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me. But after six weeks of NOTHING more than a two word text from him, I cant help but to wonder if my simple blunder will be another reason to distance himself from me. Do any of you make these kinds of mistakes as supporters? Was I supposed to apologize and acknowledge that I realized what I had done, or should I have left it alone? I want to consciously be a help to him. But, do I really have to choose my words so carefully? :( I just feel really bad... and kind of stupid. Not so much for the slip up, but for having to think so much about and regret something that I meant so innocently.
When he is behaving normally, he will be charismatic and engaging. He jokes a lot and we can have lighthearted conversations that give me hope that, just maybe, he will be the bright, witty, sweetheart that I fell in love with for a while. But I can innocently say the wrong thing, and he will shut down on me so fast that I will be left trying to figure out what the heck happened.
This was the case last night when he mentioned that today was his first day of school and that he hoped that he was able to get through the semester with no major incidents. He then went on to tell me about his classes. I asked if he was excited to be returning after the summer. He said "No. Lol. I used to be." I interpreted that to mean that he hadn't been excited about the first day of school since he was a kid. So, my response: "Its exciting, and I'm proud of you! :) You should be!"
I waited... and waited. No response. I wondered if I had said something wrong... But for the life of me, I couldn't figure it out. So, a little while later, I text him and he responds: "Im sleepy now." Now, I realize that we're just texting and sometimes it is hard to make inferences through texts. But, I know him, and I could tell that his mood had changed. I text: "Ok. Good night." He texts: "GN".
It wasn't until this morning that I realized the offense. When he told me that he "used to" be excited the night before back to school, it was because he CAN'T feel the excitement now because of PTSD. My response came across as insensitive because I bluntly pointed out "You should be!" *sigh*........... WHY? How is it so easy to blurt out something so absent mindedly when I genuinely want to be one of the people that he can trust to be understanding and supportive?
I texted him this morning, wishing him a good one and asking how his first class was. He responded. (Thank God. Its become so normal for him to be unresponsive when I text or call that it hurts much less than it used to. That's sad for me. I've either gotten used to it, or numb, or both) He said: " It was fine, sweetie. Thanks. And good morning to you too." Not too bad, I thought. At least he was polite. I then said: "I apologize for last night. I realized how I slipped and I'm sorry." Then, nothing. And here it is 1:15 a.m. and there was nothing all day.
I don't know. It doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me. But after six weeks of NOTHING more than a two word text from him, I cant help but to wonder if my simple blunder will be another reason to distance himself from me. Do any of you make these kinds of mistakes as supporters? Was I supposed to apologize and acknowledge that I realized what I had done, or should I have left it alone? I want to consciously be a help to him. But, do I really have to choose my words so carefully? :( I just feel really bad... and kind of stupid. Not so much for the slip up, but for having to think so much about and regret something that I meant so innocently.
