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Christmas 2021 The good the bad and the ugly.

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Growing up, we didn't have many Christmas traditions or good memories because of my mothers depression primarily, or her lack of desire. As soon as I married, I made my own traditions and loved the holidays. Decorating, baking, mostly things with the kids growing up. While having the empty nest, kids were always home for Christmas and loved it until I was assaulted dec 16, 2008. That was 2 yrs after an accident and head injury as well. Its been a struggle since. Im aging, health not so good. I kind of gave up all the baking but still host the holidays and decorate and stuff. The past 24 hours have been horrible for me. Not sure why, but yesterday began with the worst flashbacks and actually had to flee the house for a few hours, which I cant remember well. Went to bed and awoke in panic attack. Worked thru it well. Today nauseated and feel like someone beat me. Guess the body does remember. So I am hoping to put this all behind me and move forward with a good holiday. Tomorrow I will try to pull myself out of the funk, and hoping I dont actually have a bug or something.
 
somehow we got stuck on national lampoon's Christmas Vacation.......yeah, it got old a decade ago but we owned it on vhs, DVD and blue ray and now it feels like public domain online from thanksgiving on every year. Havent watched it yet. But it is lurking. it's everywhere.
 
There were good memories, growing up, with christmas but there was abuse and fights. The dad did things like groping me when I was under the Christmas tree watering it. Or taking a wrapping paper tube and sticking it between my legs. And I have vague, triggery memories of him sexualizing santa. And he did worse stuff around this time of year. Later when I was older, he still groped and stuff and there was always criticism of me. And when I tried to put some distance between me and the family at christmas so it was less triggering I got constantly told how selfish I was and such. I don't see them at all now at christmas and get super triggered this time of the year.

Also my Grandma, who I was close to as an adult died on Christmas day.

My therapist wants me to build new traditions. Normally I volunteer for our local tent city on Christmas. But the last two years that's not happened because of covid. I did buy a miniature christmas tree. It's the first time I've done any decorations in many years. And I am going to do Christmas present wrapping for the local homeless shelter.
 
My sweetheart did all the decorating. Honestly she would have all that up right after Halloween but I think that was the first house rule ever. No decorating or Christmas music before Dec 1. My part is to remember to turn on the Christmas music library for the Squeezeboxes and the movies on the Plex server.

After is fine because when there are no presents you don't need decorations so she makes them disappear usually by the time I get up on the 27th.

The only one we have to watch every year is A Christmas Story. I watch the rest, mostly out of sentimentality and as I realize now, to try and find what others call the Christmas Spirit.

Now I go see my T for coping strategies for getting through Christmas. Christmas day I do the turkey and green bean casserole. Not a ton of work but gotta get up and do it when it needs to be done. Then my family for the afternoon/evening. Boxing day is her families celebration. There are three times as many people there and I hope the working memory reset thing I learned yesterday works. With more people and more conversations and people it seems to get me overloading if I don't watch and mitigate.

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....The receiver has been dubbed the butt warmer for obvious reasons.
 
First Christmas with no contact with my family of origin and I am turning towards my chosen family to make new traditions. So far, the tree is up, the presents are almost all bought and the kids are excited. I feel like I am in "Holiday Training", as this weeks therapy session is all about triggers. I would like to be able to sit for longer than 5 minutes at the dining table without getting triggered and having to leave. I also want to be able to watch a whole christmas movie with my family without feeling trapped and finding an excuse to leave. Small things that would make such a difference!
 
I would like to be able to sit for longer than 5 minutes at the dining table without getting triggered
I refused to allow my exHusband to eat with us at the dining table since he’d get so violently reactive.

Instead? During our good years -as a family- we ate
- Roman style (reclined on couches, like an indoor luau!)
- Japanese style (low table on tatami)
- Cafe Style outside
- Picnic on the grass
- TV picnic on the floor (bad weather)
- Cocktail Party / Buffet (carry your plate to wherever)

^^^ Our most common above, happened at least once a week, or alternating for weeks here and there, as different things suited; we’d try other cultural norms here & there for fun, but Roman/Japanese/Cafe/Picnic/Party were our norm. It was still a very deliberate coming together as a family, and if that’s the trigger, rather than the table/chairs? This won’t help much… but? Just on the new tradition theme 😉 🎄

To teach my kids western table manners I took them to dining classes at hotels, and did the dining table thing with them when my then-husband wasn’t home.

Personally, having spent most of my childhood in Asia, I think western table manners are overrated. A useful skill to have, if one lives in the west, but a more useful skill is the ability to watch one’s hostess and do what she does in relaxed-copy-mode. For home? IMO Home = Sanctuary = Do what’s happy 😃 My exhusband was a delightful dinner companion as long as it wasn’t at the dining table. With only about 2 dozen other options, aside from Norman Rockwell (paints the gates of hell)? Seemed silly for him -or the rest of us- to be miserable.
 
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Our Christmas is today! with so many in-law families hoping for a full family Christmas homecoming on the day of, it just feels selfish to expect everyone here for our day of Christmas, so we moved it to today! last year there was no Christmas with covid and no vaccines, so all of those in-law families are preparing big homecoming parties on day of and we couldn't begin to think about trying to pull apart something that so many people feel an extra need for this year. Our kids will be with their in-laws on Christmas day and we get a big party today.
We grow the finest mud here, riverbottom clay with a good soaker last week, we should be sliding around on the tile tonight! Dogs are welcome and it will be apparent they were here when they leave. Guitar is tuned and we have sparkling non-alcahol champagne for virgin mimosas for all the preggos. tree is trimmed and the scotch tape and scissors are stored away. the whole house is toddler proofed (I heard it when I said it) and in a half-hour the show starts! Merry Christmas, hallelujah, holy shit!
 
Have fun, @enough. Enjoy those babies. 🎅
Fun was had. My white elephant gift exchange gift was breaking bad stickers, 3 pairs of walter white tighty whiteys, and a los pollos hermanos t-shirt. I ended up with a pancake pan that makes pancakes with dinosaur images. stuck it in my daughter's to-go box when she wasn't looking. Toddlers got boxes of presents and...played with the boxes. grandest of all grand daughters was MC for all of the festivities. I made her say "grandpa, wait your turn" about a dozen times before she realized I was enjoying her bossiness. I behaved after that. Witnessed the first use of a weapon between two grandsons, a plastic rice munchies container to the head. Ineffective. No dog fights, no blood, no adult misbehavior and we are across the line and done with the clean-up by noon- day after.
Only 371 days until next Christmas!
 
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