Circling

[desiderata310]

This is kind of embarrassing.


Since my therapist moved offices, I have been driving/riding past the office everyday. I can't seem to stop. Sometimes I do it multiple times. WHY?I know a lot of it has to do with establishing that it is a safe place but really?! I can't STOP myself now. I was out driving home from my trail run today and decided to take that right turn and circle the block again. AAAND my therapist saw me do this again (he happened to be there) He is aware I do this.

I did this with the last office too but it was easier to be discreet since it was on a busy road, this is set back and not on a main drag. It's more obvious even to ME that I am doing it. I don't plan it. I just do it.

Anyone else do this?

 

[scout86]

Well......yes......sometimes...... (Sorry you got caught!)

I've never even really thought about the reasons I might do something like that. I'm SURE it has something to do with "feeling safe". And, it's harmless, right? Except that having your T notice you're doing it might be a little embarrassing and a potential topic for discussion in some upcoming therapy session.

 

[mrsps]

My T works from home. If I go what I call the back way to town I drive straight past her house. I find myself going this way sometimes when I do go into town. I don't know why, the only thing I can see is her house and if her car is in the drive. Its not like I get to see anything exciting by driving by. I sometimes think omg imagine if she is outside in her garden or mowing her lawns and see's me drive past!

 

[Leigh925]

Yep I have done it. I actually went there on the weekend and picked up some pine cones from underneath the tree and I keep one on my dresser and one in my car.

I have a safe places now but for a while....that office was the only place I kind of felt safe....I still doubted it though and was kind of curious about it as well. It was like I had to come to terms with this place that held all my darkest secrets but was also a place that I could feel peace in. It didn't make sense to me.

I would have been embarrassed if I had gotten caught. I worried about that happening. I haven't felt the need to do it in almost a year but I have done other things I felt was embarrassing and yet my therapist handles in such a way that makes it easier on me. I don't think we need to be embarrassed about half of the things that we think we do.

I think embarrassment is tied to shame and for most of us our brains go there too quickly.

I am sure more patients than we think have done this and therapists probably expect it. I am sure your therapist wants to you feel as safe there as possible. If that eases anxiety so that when you show up for sessions you can spend more time working than adjusting to a new setting...I say go for it!

 

[arfie]

I have never done it with a therapist or hired professional of any stripe, but I have done it with people, schools, old homesteads, etc. I believe it is what I call, "connecting the dots." Most of my life has been a series of non-sequiturs; Isolated events that have no apparent continuity. Most days I feel like a leaf blowing in the wind with no connection to anything in life. I believe this "circling" (good word for it. Consider it stolen by this crazy old gypsy) is my personal attempt to connect at least a few of the pieces of my life into a "big picture."

That's my theory and I'm sticking to it for at least 20 minutes...

 

[desiderata310]

I have REALLY been ashamed/confused/ anxious about this. I did it three times today..almost a 4th except that I don't have a light on my bike and I don't feel comfortable riding that street without one.

I don't even know why! And I know my therapist saw me do it again today. Seriously!? What is he doing there on a Sunday at that hour. *sigh* So yeah, he certainly knows that this is really a thing for me right now. He mentioned that he knew I did it and I tried to kind of explain it... as best I could... I don't know that I completely understand. It's not like the place is going to change. It's not like it's under surveillance (other that mine!) I just NEED to know that it's going to be ok and wow.. ok... bawling about this...

When I first started it was to establish familiarity, that the place was safe, scope it out, (there were still workers going in and out of the adjacent space) and feel comfortable with the place. At my therapist's old office I would come early and sit in the nook around the corner in the dark and hide till he got there or was done with his previous client and watch the comings and goings of the other offices. I can't get inside the building till he gets there (I'm the first client in the morning and I bike over) and I have to stand outside on the street. There's no place to hide or sit or anything.

I don't know. I know it's not ... normal? IT's not what other people do...

 

[scout86]

I guess now you know that it's what SOME other people do. :)

I've never been real big on cutting myself any slack. This is one place where I think,"You know, there's a lot of stuff I could do to make myself feel somehow better. This particular one isn't actually harmful, I'm just going to let it go." I'd say until it gets to be some kind of actual "problem", it's not a problem. There are worst things you could be doing to release stress!

 

[BloomInWinter]

I live in a small community so I have to drive past my current and past therapist's homes. It's nothing to be ashamed of. So long as we are not doing it in a way which is stalking behavior, or doing that instead of practicing our coping skills for comfort, I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

Chances are, when you are further down the road in therapy, you'll feel the need less and less to do that and instead use that time going out and doing something you enjoy. Try not to judge yourself.

 

[desiderata310]

I don't think it's like being a stalker. I am doing it to see that the building and the surrounding area is.. ok? or still there? I need to see it. I don't know. I actually get kind of panicked if I see that my therapist's car is there and freak out if I SEE my therapist. *sigh*

I rode by again this morning on my way to work. It's a detour to go past there; not a major one but still a detour. I was really pleased to see that there was NO ONE parked outside the building and there was no one inside. There were two cars on that block and both were parked far away with no one in them. I circled the block and everything looked really peaceful. Somehow all that made me feel better.
Yeah... I know.. bizarre.

 

[Suzetig]

I don't think it's bizarre at all. I looked at my therapists website this evening, just to make sure se was still in practice. I only saw her this afternoon but it was a hard session and I somehow thought she might have stopped practicing and pulled her website down in the time it took me to get home again. That's bizarre, you sound perfectly normal!

 

[Northgirl]

As weird as it sounds, I had never really made the link between this behavior and reestablishing safety. But it makes sense now. I do find myself driving by my T's office on especially hard days, or when I'm dreading an upcoming session, even when I know he's not there.

 

[desiderata310]

ok.. so I am REALLY not the only person who does this?! ok... I don't know how that actually makes me feel. A little freaked out... Kinda drives home the whole PTSD thing that I keep trying to convince myself I don't REALLY have.
@Suzetig done that as well.

Actually, I freak out if I communicate with my therapist. I freak out if I don't.
I freak out if he communicates back and I really freak out if he doesn't.
@scout86 what is this "cutting myself slack" you speak of? I have never done this well. I swear my favorite pastime is beating myself up.