Cocktail Of Medication - Should I Continue To Take Them?

[Phoenix13]

Hi everyone. I'm quite new here, so please forgive me if this is not the right place to post my question.

I was diagnosed with BPD, PTSD and Major Depressive Disorder and I was on 3 different countries for last 5 years so every psychiatrist had different opinion regarding on my illness. It's been 6 months I've been stop taking any of them, abruptly. I'm sick and tired of taking medicines, I don't want to be dependent on them. For many times I was asked to have psychotherapy but I refused because I don't trust strangers, I afraid and ashamed at the same time for the things I will reveal to these psychotherapist and myself is not 'normal' like many people out there.

Right now I feel I'm slightly better than before. I stopped hurting myself (slashing my upper arms with glass pieces). Only hideous scars left, together with the old scars on my lower arms (I slashed them with broken pieces of glass picture frame 6 years back). And there were 2 suicide attempts that time.

But honestly, I don't feel that 'pressure of being unwell' anymore except now it's REALLY HARD FOR me to feel something unless I force myself or most of the time I feel them in an odd way. I don't care to socialize or to know other humans (I prefer animals), I even detached myself from contacting my old and current friends. It's like, I don't feel I need any of them (numb, difficult to trust others, paranoia, very empty). The feeling of 'I don't care of anything' seriously worries me. If it's not because of money which I need to earn to buy food, medicine, shelter and other things I don't think I will push myself to find a job after I came back from oversea. I can say after many years of taking medication and stop taking them, my feelings now become numb. Is this normal?

Right now I'm staying with my family and they know nothing about this. Other than them, I don't talk to anyone else unless if it's really really really important. Example, my mobile phone is ringing for many times but I don't feel like answering it (this happened very often, even if the caller was my family when I was abroad before).


My questions:-

1) What's wrong with me? Am I still unwell? Should I continue my medication or take other medicine so I will completely recover? I need to find a new job, I don't want to fail any drug test or giving my employer the impression of 'Oh, you're a psycho sorry we can't hire you' (if you know what I mean).

2) Anyone of you feel the same when you discontinue your medication? Can anyone (or any expert) give an advice regarding on this?

Thank you so much for your help.

Regards,
Phoenix

 

[DharmaGirl]

Wow, you are in a tough position. I had two suicide attempts in the last year, and many medication changes. I think what I've learned is stick to one expert. If you feel you are overmedicated, can you find someone to stick with for awhile, one who could do adjustments to the meds? I went through a year and found one that worked for me, but therapy was, and is working for me. I didn't trust therapy or my therapist, but eventually I started to gain some trust. I hope you can find some way of finding out if this is for you.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I see you are new. Welcome! We can't diagnose here, and only a doctor should be giving that information. There are many helpful forums and wikis that you can read and familiarize yourself with.

 

[Phoenix13]

Hi monster1977.

Thank you so much for your reply. I remember 2 psychiatrists told me that my case is just... too complicated and single type of medication won't be enough for me. I'm not sure if I'm overmedicated, I'm thinking I might be better if I take combination of them until the time I feel really 'tired' and wanna give up and finally stop taking them abruptly without tapering them at all.

I never join any forum like this before, I afraid if I will get ridiculed or people just simply make fun/ignore me. This is my first time and I must say I really appreciate your reply. Thank you.

P/S - I like your avatar ;)

 

[LhasaLover]

Hi Phoenix13,

You could get a second opinion. It has been said if you are on the same the medications for years that they can lose their effectiveness. That being said, I have been on the same meds for years for anxiety, depression and ptsd and at times they have plateaued out. We have discussed a possible med to change to and what possible effects (good and bad) it could have... I think I may have found a solution now that the price of Lexapro has come down. Lexapro however does worry me in regard to weight gain..

The drug cocktails that you speak of I am familiar with because of my mother, she required multiple medicines. It never hurts to find a third party professional to discuss your current medication to provide perspective. I know when I am proactive about discussing my medication, I feel a lot more confident in them.

It is never a good idea to stop without a doctor's supervision. I have not taken my antidepressant for a few days thinking it did nothing only for someone to ask me if I was taking it because I was acting depressed.

Good luck, I will be saying my prayers for you! Hang in there!

 

[Phoenix13]

Hello LhasaLover.

Thank you for your reply. Escitalopram was the 1st antidepressant I was prescribed, for starting I got 10mg and later on was increased to 20mg after almost a year. Not long after that 2 different psychiatrist introduced me to other medications gradually, I noticed that I gained weight slightly but since I smoke a lot it killed my appetite quite effectively.

I know it's a bad idea to stop my medication without tapering and not telling the psychiatrist. It's just that I feel " How long do I need to take all this? Oh crap.. " and try to use my inner strength and will thinking I can cure myself without drugs. Did it work? As for me, I'm not really sure... And I don't know if I'm just being paranoid or suspicious but judging the way those psychiatrist prescribing and changing many drugs on me made me feel like I'm just the same as a lab rat.

So far the medicines which I'm taking since many years back were
Cipralex
Remeron
Ametriptyline
Flupentixol
Citalopram
Diazepam
Clonazepam

Many thanks for your prayers LhasaLover :)

 

[LhasaLover]

Hi Phoenix13,

That is quite a drug cocktail... I would probably just find a psychopharmacologist or psychiatrist and see what an objective professional would do to "simplify" your meds.

Now Clonazepam, that can cause rebound depression for instance. You have to be very careful with that drug. I was on Clonzaepam 1mg up to 3x a day and after I was diagnosed with PTSD. I was crying for months... finally I decided to step back down to Xanax... crying episodes over. My SI was out of control when I was having rebound anxiety on the Clonazepam and I choose not to be on it long term. I find myself crying after a while of being on it and not know why! I read that a girl that recently killed herself was on Clonazepam.

Diazepam is another benzodiazapine... i.e., Valium. It is an old drug. Benzodiazapines are addictive. I have not heard of people being on both at the same time typically... I am no doctor. If you stop benzo's you need to be supervised and tapered.

Remeron can act like a hypnotic, like Ambien....

What is the combination you are on now? How often is your doctor seeing you? Would there be anything keeping you from getting a second opinion? My psychiatrist keeps me on a very simple regime and I have severe anxiety and depression. If you Google bipolar medicine forum there are forums that discuss these things.

There are some doctors that stack up a lot of drugs at once. For instance, my mother had a mood disorder ... a lot going on actually... and she was on lexapro, clonazepam, ahh.... seroquel and methampetamine to wake up from the seroquel. Then she would fall down from the seroquel and be prescribed painkillers. There was remeron and ambien which she reacted to by going into a hynotic walking sleep, even driving the car once.

Your concerns are valid... and I do see people who want to be drug free that are bipolar. My brother has severe anxiety and anger issues and refuses drugs. He is not getting better and even dropped out of anger management. Personally I find it helpful to have a doctor that helps you manage your meds, a therapist and support groups. Why because you are worth it!

I need to find a local doctor and am going to go get my meds reviewed. At one point I was on Effexor, which put me to sleep! Neurotin was another one that I cut out because we saw no benefit. The doctor agreed... she was thrilled when I wanted to step back to Xanax (does not stay as long in your body) and a lower dosage. The thing is, I asked my doctor and she supervises the medications, which provide me with some footing to deal with issues.

You sound very wise! I pray for your peace of mind, for you to stay on this earth with us and continue to post, and to get this sorted out. I do not like to take meds, this week I lost some and was in utter anxiety. Everything was loud and noisey, I could not breath well. You see, I need the meds that I am on, they help me. The realization that I need them is discouraging but the doctor did not seem to think I was crazy. I am a bit stubbon, I won't give in to illness. My doctor right now has an emergency and I am waiting to call her back. In addition, I am doing paperwork to go see another psychatrist, I know I have to be patient and go through the steps to see improvement. It is not going to be a quick fix, but then my doctor tells me there is no magic drug. I'm just a person who believes in moderation and working closely with your doctors. Usually if you gut tells you something is not right and you are attempting suidice, then I do believe it is quite sane to see another professional and voice your concerns. Are you in therapy and support groups?

Sending lots of prayers and hugs.... Hang in there... I always say that but honestly things can be totally different in one day's time. I know you are tired, but rest... regroup and find a decent medical facility to go to to get a second opinion. There is always an answer and someone to help!


Lhasa Lover

 

[DharmaGirl]

You could die if you just stop taking benzos (Diazepam, and Clonazepam). I have no idea if the other meds will cause any side effects if you quit them cold turkey. All these "mental health" meds need a doctor to oversee them, and behave differently for different people. Remeron works for a friend of mine, didn't for me. Another friend takes Lexapro, that one made me bonkers. If you have something that works, don't fix it - to quote someone. Good luck and hope you learn a lot on this board.

 

[LhasaLover]

Yes, I totally agree it's time to talk to your prescribing doctors and/or get a second opinion. I think you know that, and I wish you the best.

I look forward to hearing an update from you.

 

[Phoenix13]

Hi LhasaLover & monster1977~

Thank you for your reply. I started with lower dose of Cipralex and then changed to Amitriptyline + Cipralex + Valium when I moved to other country (new psychiatrist). Many months later I went to see other psychiatrist because the previous one keep nagging me about the psychotherapy stuff and why I always missed my appointment (my working hours was not flexible. I don't work 8am-5pm). This time the new psychiatrist drop Cipralex and put me under Citalopram + Remeron + Clonazepam. There were Flupentixol and Zopiclone in between, but I stopped taking them because I don't feel they are quite suitable for my body. Valium didn't work on me anymore so the doc gave me Rivotril 1mg and I need to increased the dosage to 2 mg few months after that. Quite some time I used Valium and Clonazepam together. But I always stick to Clonazepam because since Valium was no longer effective in my system anymore. The side effect? My hand (especially fingers) always had this unwanted shakiness on/off for like 2-3 minutes.

I remember one time I asked the doctor if Xanax is good for me. But he said since I'm emotionally very unstable and my depression still not fully recover, Clonazepam together with Amitriptyline and Remeron are the best combination. Remeron (mirtazapine 45 mg) in the morning, Clonazepam 2mg + Amitriptyline 75 mg + Remeron 45 mg before sleep. Quite often I took Clonazepam during daytime especially when I need to feel calm and relax during anxiety attack.

Thank God I didn't die when I stopped abruptly from taking all these medicines. But I felt my brain was fried in my head and there was a big, deep, empty hole in my heart (or should I say emotion room?).

Major side effect? Ummm... Difficult to feel anything now (especially fear or anger). I think I can say that my emotional graph is static and no up/down. Other than that I've lost some part of my memories. And no cold turkey here. In fact, I should be called as roasted turkey since I became furious and can't control my emotion during 1st month after I stop taking my medicines. I broke everything in my room but not the mirror ( I don't know why but I feel excited and slightly aroused looking at broken/shattered glass and mirror).

monster 1977, speak about medicine which can make you bonkers. It was Zopiclone which I took the night before and next morning I went for work looking & feeling like a new born Zombie. Only after 12 hours I became myself again.

Lhasa Lover, it's good to hear that you'll be seeing another psychiatrist. Do you have any trust issue or suspicious towards your own doctor like me? To find and having new psychiatrist will definitely make me feel 'guilty' and I afraid I will punish myself for that (another slash on my arm?) And what if my new employer finds out that I'm seeing a psychiatrist and taking psychiatric drugs? Whoa, I think they will kick me out right through the door before I can be accepted to work with them.

I don't know. It's almost a month now since since I came back from abroad. I still can't decide if I need to see new psychiatrist.

Take care guys ;)

 

[LhasaLover]

Hi Phoenix13,

There are laws that protect your privacy, so you do not need your employer to know you are on psychotropic drugs. Also, almost half the world is on antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds.

For me I honestly love my doctor but I moved. Now I work with her, but she cannot see me as often as I have to travel back home. So for me, because I have been diagnosed with PTSD and it can sometimes be acute, I need to look into who is around. I found one place that is free to go to while you are unemployed, so I will go there. I just want to see what they recommend and say.

I don't know where you live, but the quality of health care you receive can relate to where you live. I have always seen doctors that specialize in anxiety and work with veterans. My therapist also has qualitfications that match my background. Usually, I talk to therapists before deciding if I have a good match.

It will probably give you a lot of piece of mind to get a second opinion. Going off your meds all at once is asking for trouble.

A second opinion is just that, it does not mean that you have to change your meds. You know I had a friend and she was terrified of losing her therapist... he had some problems starting up his practice and referred her to a female doctor. What was interesting is so was so negative and depressed and then, after meeting her new doctor, she was thrilled! She likes this doctor even more than her previous T! In fact, this doctor mentored her previous doctor.

Try to think positively when at all possible. Look forward to hearing what you decide!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi Phoenix,
I know you asked about medication, however, I want to urge you to try psychotherapy or counseling to help you heal. Taking medication can help, but I'd be quite surprised to hear anyone say that meds fixed all their problems. PTSD is often very complicated in that no one therapy or medication heals us. What works for one person will not work for another. And even when one type of therapy or medication may be helpful, there may come a time when you need to try a different type of therapy or medication. This has been true for me, as I've been on just about every type of psych med for depression, mood stabilization, anxiety, etc that was on the market prior to a few years ago when I stopped taking all meds save an as needed anxiety medication. I've also tried many different types of therapy as well, including CBT, DBT, IFST (inter family systems therapy), neurofeedback, etc, and all have added to my arsenal of skills in one way or another.

I know that's a lot, and probably not what you were asking for. But my point is that I hope you take a chance and seek out some sort of therapy as meds alone won't be able to cure or fix you completely. They may help, but without learning skills to manage your PTSD, you'll only get so far.