Cold and distant adult children

[Deleted member 38906]

You won't like this (sorry). It's not true that getting a letter like that would make anyone feel like...

I wish I could see what you are seeing in that letter. Why can't I see the manipulation like u do? And why is she trying to manipulate me so hard?

Ur response made me feel a bit better tho so thanks.

The first time I read the letter I didn't feel anything.I thought it was comical that she thought I picked my cousin as a role model. .. It made me feel like she didn't know me at all. But To make sure I wasn't missing anything I read it to a friend. When I looked up at the end she was crying. She said my mom was hurt. That's where I thought maybe I'm autistic or smth and have trouble feeling emotions and relating to ppl. Five hours later the guilt is killing me and I can barely function.

On the other hand I know it's not my fault that everything about her triggers me, I'm not making myself feel that way on purpose..... but I understand how hurtful it is for her to have to experience that bc of me. I just feel like I'm the cause of her pain and I wish I could shake that feeling off.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @Moo.... Sometimes are parents aren't the best to be around. I think that you're mum is in need of some help herself and possibly has her own problems with mental health.

But the way she is treating you is wrong and hurting you. I had to cut my mum out of my life for years due to the way she treated me, and get help my self for all the shite, brainwashing put downs..... To function better and be kinder to me.

I think whilst she is hurting you, it's not good for you to be around that. You need to put your own self first just now... Big hugs

 

[Deleted member 38906]

Hi @Moo.... Sometimes are parents aren't the best to be around. I think that you're mum...

Hi @Xena I'm not sure why I can't see what you're seeing. I wish I could but I keep second guessing myself... What if I'm the one hurting her?

If you had tea with my mom and she told you about how I don't make eye contact with her and get triggered by everything about her, you will probably think what a poor lady and what am abusive grown up child. What if she's right?

In any case I do want to move out eventually

 

[scout86]

I was going to go back and go through the letter and show you what I was seeing, but I guess I can't.

You are not responsible for other people's feelings. You live your life. They may approve or not. But, it's not your FAULT if they don't like something. It's not anyone's fault, it's just something that IS.

This stuff is complicated. It probably plays out differently in different cultures too. I guess a thing to remember is that healthy, good relationships are built on love and respect. When you get correspondence like that, you might ask yourself how it makes you feel. Because your mother can project love and respect even if she disagrees with you.

I had a lot of trouble sorting out my mother's letters too. I started sharing them with my T and asking him to help me sort them out and deal with her. It was a HUGE help. If your T is up for that kind of thing, you might try it.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

I

I was going to go back and go through the letter and show you what I was seeing, but I guess I can't....

It leaves me feeling drained, ashamed, guilty and just like a bad egg

 

[freebird]

Narcs are masterminds of keeping victims in a constant state of confusion, by manipulating and twisting meanings and words so that the victims feel the painful stabbings of obligation and guilt.

The best thing to do, is to not give them any words (no or low contact) because narcs will manipulate and twist them. If you do converse however, become a grey rock, with nothing interesting to say. Save your words for those who will love, respect, nurture, and appreciate them.

 

[blackemerald1]

As a parent myself @Moo with adult children. They understand and know that I love them and have done my best to raise them to be independent of me and go forth into their lives and live the hell out of it.

I know they love me too but I don't have to hear them say it every day or have them show it to me every day.

I often told them when they were unsure of what to do that they only get one go at growing up, being young and taking on all the challenges that might come their way. Unless it was something dangerously stupid - once they were older - I held my silence and let the consequences lay where they fell. That is how they learned not to do stupid things. I think that is how we all learn not to do stupid things or to at least stop doing stupid things. Or maybe just wise up to how to live more happily...whatever it was they had to chose.

In other words as I was once their age and did what I wanted to do, now so should they. It is their time to shine...or not.

They know I am ok most days and they know some days I am not. That doesn't mean I need them to be around for either of those days. Until I get too old and physically infirm to manage daily things and there are no other options left, I don't want my children around me unless they actually want to be because they feel like it.

I made loads of mistakes in the parenting area and I can look back in hindsight and shake my head and think what on earth was I thinking or doing?? But it's all too late to worry about that stuff now. My children are off doing their own things and that's the way we all like it.

When we do get together, which isn't all that often, we have a laugh usually about stupid things!

I think you need to grow up! (sorry if that sounds harsh) Get your therapist up to speed on how utterly miserable you are feeling and why and get your friend to stop crying and see if she/he can help you find some alternative accommodation where you clean up your own mess and do your own cooking and start living.

Your life is going to get a lot more complicated if you keep indulging in what your mother/brother etc., are thinking or doing at any given time.
You have wasted enough time on that and it appears to have just made you feel bad about yourself. Believe me, there are plenty of people besides your mother that can take that place if you allow them to do so.

I don't know anyone, not anyone at all....and I have met a load of people - who as parents do not have regrets and as children wish that they could have been parented differently somehow or some other way.

You owe your mother nothing except to go out and live your life the best way you know how and for heavens sake do it now!

 

[Deleted member 38906]

As a parent myself @Moo with adult children. They understand and know that I lo...

Thanks for sharing... I'd love to move out but last time I tried I was hit with depressive episodes to the point that I decided to move back home for my own safety.

A roommate would be useful, but at my age most of my friends are married or would like to live by themselves.

 

[blackemerald1]

A roommate would be useful, but at my age most of my friends are married or would like to live by themselves

@Moo... Room mates are not meant to be useful except to share the financial burden of accommodation and if you are lucky are cool to hang around with some of the time.

Can you see how possibly you have dead-batted this idea and controlling your own destiny by past experiences?

If most of your friends are married well then obviously that is not going to be a place to look for accomodation and the friends that want to live by themselves are probably out enjoying their freedom. Why don't you try it again with a better plan and expectation of how you are going to live.

Depression can be treated without having to move home again too btw.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

@Moo... Room mates are not meant to be useful except to share the financ...

Sorry but I'm not sure I understand what you mean...

I have therapy today and was hoping to talk about all this with my T, but I feel like I have closed up and become numb to any thoughts and feelings I had about my situation over the past few days.

 

[blackemerald1]

I'd love to move out

I'm just trying to encourage you to try again. I hear you when you say you got depressed the first time you tried moving away from your Mother's home. This is where therapy and possibly medication can assist.

It's ok to reside with people who are not friends.(But people who you are friendly with of course!) Not hostile people. I think you've had enough of that.

Plenty of young people, and I do still consider you to be young btw.... take up share accomodation in apartments or homes with each other to cover the cost of rent, electricity, water and all those things. It is cheaper and easier than doing it alone and if you choose carefully you might really enjoy the freedom and independence of living outside of your mother's home.

And as I said, if you are lucky your new house-mates might be great company too. That just makes your situation all the better. There has to be some agreement regarding house-rules that you (all) would be happy with. Like who and when cleans what. But it does work well for lots of people (even old people like me have done it)!

I'm sorry you didn't get to speak about this with your therapist. If you are finding it really hard maybe you could write out your feelings and thoughts and give it to him/her to read before your next session. Then they may understand how sad you are.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

I'm just trying to encourage you to try again. I hear you when you say you got depressed the first...

I saw my T tonight and managed to talk about the letter... It didn't go so well bc he kept defending me which made me feel like he was attacking my mom which made me want to defend her.

Then when I told him about feeling depressed he said I could text him when that happens again. I think he's trying to get me to become dependant on him instead of being independent.

My mom is a great person.. She shows that by helping take care of me... I wouldn't be able to do any chores without her and my T is trying to brainwash me against her. I don't trust him at all