Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Get a picture!!! If you can/want to, lol. Cat pictures are fun

I get texted them a lot. Also pictures of my nephew, but y’all can’t post nephew pictures (well, I guess you could? But it’s not a great idea)

If anyone else finds my diary, I bet they won’t be able to find the “good stuff” because of all the ranting I do :P no regrets

 

[littleoc]

Also, the neighbors are apparently superstitious. We all live in the middle of the woods, but on the top of the plateau thing you can see a tower that supposedly belongs to the military base (no idea what branch it is, but it has those huge double ended helicopters with two propellers that can hold other aircrafts if that helps — no idea if that’s Air Force, I’m bad at army) — I haven’t checked to see if it’s just a distant phone tower not military-related but it’s in the general direction of the base so whatever

Anyway, it went from a white light blinking every two seconds to a red light that blinks lite-light-light-light-____-____-_____-(repeat) and the neighbors claimed it was the Koreans ?

It does look creepy with the cold rain and the low clouds getting turned red, but maybe it’s because the clouds are low? Lol

 

[ILoveLife]

I would think the Great Orange One had initiated martial law... just sayin'... there's paranoia, and then there's paranoia under Trump :p

 

[littleoc]

CAT

Haha, nice to wake up to

 

[littleoc]

I am not sleeping well, and it is messing with me. I got back on my normal dose of prazosin. The pharmacy claims a new guy filled my order but did something extremely wrong. So once they fill my actual supply back I’ll be good to go

I am afraid to look at the news today. Maybe for the best. I am having bad nightmares. They’re bad enough that I’ve been waking up sore.

And I know this is silly, but my swollen lymph node got more swollen, and I still can’t find any sign of infection, but it’s been two weeks since my flu shot. So now I’m worried about cancer, again, even though it hurts so it probably isn’t. But that’s what seems to happen to my friends my age and younger, and to my family members. As soon as progress happens mentally, cancer. Painful death, usually long and drawn out when it was completely unnecessary. At least when my uncle starved to death while everyone was forced to watch, he wasn’t able to fully understand it.

I understand logically that I probably don’t. But I have the irresistible urge to shower and prevent it. My brain is pretty convinced that my pre-cancer mole was secretly not removed in time, but that was in like 2008, so surely I would’ve known WAY before now.

Stupid brain

Anyway, I think I want a pill that puts me to sleep at night. I’m tired of the sudden uncharacteristic emptiness and despair right before I fall asleep. I’ve gotten in the habit of staying awake until it hurts physically some days to try to avoid it. Which probably backfires, but it’s better than giving in.

Also, I’m considering starting a personal diary to manage all the memories. Because I get “flashback-like” memories that can be intensely negative but aren’t traumatic, just because my brain has automatic recall for literally everything. It is distressing, because the feelings of shame, confusion,
etc, don’t ever die. It’s always like it just happened, even though I’m an adult now. Technically. My brain’s hopefully still developing. But hopefully easing up on the memories. My brain is convinced that it is very important, which is silly and I wish it wouldn’t do that so I could live a normal life like everyone else

I might be ranting because I’m tired, lol

 

[ILoveLife]

Can you nap?

 

[littleoc]

A short nap probably wouldn’t hurt :D

My vet says my bird is okay again, or at least getting better :) :) :) I’ll restart conversion and see how it goes

 

[littleoc]

A dominant species never stays dominant. They are more likely to go extinct

Cyanobacteria managed to survive to modern day. Giant amphibions were replaced by dinosaurs (technically, took a very long time, wasn’t direct), giant dogs and dogs with retractable claws didn’t, not even cats in general after they took over dog world.

The history of Earth is weird

Humans are too big to be as lucky as Cyanobacteria

I love cyan

It’s too late to fix anything at this point

 

[littleoc]

I should buy a farm

 

[littleoc]

Got a lot done!!

The pharmacy has not filled my prescription though. I’m sure they will, but I better make sure

Over ate like crazy though, but that’s okay for now I think. Invisalign back in so now I can’t anymore :)

Still hungry though. I used to hate eating, but I’m glad for the change even if it was kind of violent

 

[littleoc]

Brandi taught me that to be truly loved is to be insulted “jokingly” day in and day out. To point out flaws and be sarcastic about everything. She said she preferred assholes with soft sides. I was too weak to be that.

I think maybe her view was skewed. First of all, because I was too terrified to do that back to her. It was all about making fun of how my movements were too weird, my legs too stubby. She was polite about my teeth though.

But I think maybe she just wanted to prove in another way that no one would ever like me like she did. It is still weird to me to have friends who care and respect me so much that they won’t make fun of me. And when they have, it hasn’t hurt.

Meanwhile, if I acted hurt at something Brandi did, she would cry, cut herself, and play victim: “No one ever understands my point of view, and it’s exhausting and makes me depressed and suicidal.” I fell for that once




She constantly told me she was helping me grow a backbone. The truth was that I worked on having boundaries. She was spineless. She felt unimportant. She wanted someone to belong to her and be less than her. She got tired of me after she cheated on me with her middle school girlfriend, a psycho who literally kills baby animals for fun. And used saving a kitten as blackmail to steal Brandi’s entire savings account.

I have a very clear memory, and it shows that Brandi did genuinely care at one point. But I don’t think it was me, as myself, that she liked anymore. I don’t think she looked up to me much. And I can’t remember why I looked up to her. I think because I thought she was strong. But she wasn’t. She never became a different person after middle school. Her memory was not over-active like mine, but she was stuck in middle school.

 

[mumstheword]

You are really gaining a lot of perspective about your relationship with Brandi.

Despite how cruel she was to you, it's a valuble source of insight, into yourself and apects of human psychology.

You are very wise, strong and compassionate, for such a young person.

Coming out the other side of "the Brandi experience" has made you even stronger and wiser.

I see you as the sort of person who goes from strength to strength, because you are generously endowed with intelligence, compassion and a huge serving of generosity of spirit.

Now, you are starting to learn about your true value and how other people trying to make you small, doesn't make you small.

And people who value how great you are, are right.:-)