Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

My mom enabled my abuse. That’s why I’ve been so angry.

She couldn’t prevent it. But she made it worse.

Also, I don’t know what’s wrong with me physically, but I was on the bathroom floor again for hours. So much pain. All I ate was pizza. And after it was over, I was so overwhelmingly hungry that I swallowed raisins whole.

This will make my nightmares worse. I am seeing my relatives and friends die again. There is so much death. I could see his bones through his skin. One of them was poking through where the sore was.

I may go to the doctor just to make it stop. The pulse trigger undid me. I am wondering if it made me this sick. Didn’t think of it until just now.

Couldn’t stand staying away from here after finding the article. I’m so scared and confused. I am very tired. I am playing 80s music because that’s a good style.

My head hurts still. But not as bad as I would have expected by now. It must be getting better.

It has been a very hard day. But I am not suicidal. I am actually afraid of dying now that I got brave enough to make plans. I am so positive that I will be killed young.

 

[littleoc]

But she made it worse.

Not exactly

 

[littleoc]

" or in the sense of "I am an empowered survivor?"

That one :)

I don’t want to act like a victim and get all sad. And weak, and useless, and in risk of being abandoned. All false, negative beliefs my dad, the pedophile, and Brandi shoved into my head over and over, so I’d be less annoying and more of a fun toy. They aren’t getting the last laugh, though. I survived so it doesn’t matter what they would think of me now.

Brandi never knew I lost friends in that shooting. It bothers me. She texted Fungus when she heard about it, and I was shut down but I didn’t hear from her for days. She wanted comfort from Fungus and Fungus was sad too, but Fungus knew he was keeping them. I didn’t get to be a human when my friends died.

 

[littleoc]

It's okay to be a victim though, like in the aftermath of it all and realizing we were victims of predators.

Yes

Being killed doesn’t make you weak either

Surviving is cool though, life sucks but it can be fun and interesting

 

[littleoc]

life sucks

No, it doesn’t

Life is awesome

You’re just sad because you can’t eat again

 

[littleoc]

Awesome things about life:

Dogs
Cats
Hiking
Cool nightlights
Meeting people
The chance to be better than shitty people
Art
Getting an injury that makes you try new art
Music
Hearing colors
Snakes
Lizards
Plants
Tardigrades
Not being alive during the Holocaust
This comforter
Fancy socks
Not being homeless
My bird being alive
Birds
That tufted tit who asked for my bug
Bugs
Having a variety of foods instead of just rice and beans
Having hot water
Snake who likes me
The owl yelling outside
Disney movies
Books

That’s probably good

 

[littleoc]

A bed
Cereal

 

[littleoc]

But she made it worse.

No, she didn’t

She made confiding in her bad. That’s not the same thing

Who was I to turn to? How was a ten year old supposed to know it was wrong to f*ck a dog?

No one knows about the dog. Not even my therapist. It’s haunting my dreams. There is a beastiality forum I keep alluding to in here, because I need answers. They assure me things and tell me it was wrong. Just because he did one thing right doesn’t mean the rest was right.

 

[littleoc]

I can manage my own reactions. It is time for bed. I have a bed

I wish I had someone in my life who could help me with things. My advisor told me today that I am allowed to ask for help and I straight up couldn’t understand what what she was talking about. I know how to ask for help and when, and i am great at finding sources. But I don’t look for help with little things. I don’t know how someone would ask for help with an assignment. I trace this back to my dad getting jealous if my mom tried to help me with homework.

She gets offended that I never told her all the shit I was going through. Brandi did too. You guys know something? You didn’t deserve my trust. You didn’t earn it. That’s not something you can make me feel bad about anymore. Sponge the cat knew more than you without even knowing most of the English language.

I will never connect to a romantic partner. Not with what’s going through my head.

 

[littleoc]

When I was an infant, my dad played the same lullabies every time he locked me and my brother in our room. Track number four was my favorite. Five was my second favorite.

I threw up on the floor in the middle of the night. I tried to leave the room for the bathroom to make sure he wouldn’t know. The door was locked from the outside. No one came when I cried. They were upstairs and they didn’t care.

I hate this. I hate that one bad memory convinces my brain to remember things. That’s not even the PTSD. Probably.

 

[littleoc]

My dog jumped on me

I wonder why I never adopted the mini pony. How do you even train a pony for service work?

Dogs are way more adaptable probably

So sweet too

 

[Freida]

I am afraid to look at the news today. Maybe for the best. I am having bad nightmares. They’re bad enough that I’ve been waking up sore.

I had to turn it all off about a month ago. No news, no facebook, no nothing. It was just tearing me apart and even though I hate that I am one of those who says uninformed I had to do it to stay sane.

I think maybe her view was skewed.

Ya think? I'm really proud of you!

You are really gaining a lot of perspective about your relationship with Brandi.

Yes you are!!!!!

I think I’m not going to visit her ever again. Unforgivable

Agreed

They aren’t getting the last laugh, though. I survived so it doesn’t matter what they would think of me now.

Wow!!!! Look at all of these sentences reaffirming that you are YOU, a real, live person who deserves respect and love!!!!

Brandi never knew I lost friends in that shooting

Oh hun I am so sorry

No one knows about the dog. Not even my therapist. It’s haunting my dreams. T

This situation was horrible and the things he forced you to do are
unforgivable. FOR HIM. You did NOTHING wrong. You know the mantra -- you were a child forced/coerced/brainwashed into doing things to make your captor happy so you could stay alive. I think a lot of us have done things we can't talk about, but that doesn't mean we are to blame.

It worries me you are having nightmares about it. Maybe you could write it down and write down all the possibly reactions you think your t might have. then give that to her? I think if you can get this out of your head it may start to leave you alone. Plus it reinforces that people won't think badly of you for doing what you had to

I am very very proud of you!!!! :hug: