Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[Freida]

Yea..me too. I worry someone will figure out who I am and tell y'all I'm really just delusional! :laugh:

 

[somerandomguy]

I worry someone will figure out who I am and tell y'all I'm really just delusional!

That could never happen ... with ANY of you. I hope everyone's aware of that. No one here is interested in identifying anyone else IRL. Everyone here really IS traumatized. If anyone showed up and started spreading bullshit about anyone else, I hope everyone's aware that we would circle the f*cking wagons and report them and the mods would take care of it ASAP.

Everyone clear on that?

 

[Chris-duck]

SRG, you know you're pretty awesome, right? :)

 

[Chris-duck]

Plus my other thought on this is like we don't believe people when THEY say they're making it up and delusional :laugh: What's the chances we are gonna believe a third party :P

 

[littleoc]

Lol, good point.

I do think, though, that if Brandi came here on her own, she’d probably get support. She’s been through shit. People can’t ever tell who’s being sincere and who isn’t.

I probably sound paranoid..? I don’t know how to voice what’s bothering me about that. She never got support, and when she was old enough to get it, she was too scared. Took me so long to get her a business card. She kept it in her phone case, which told me she was close to getting help.

Although, I guess a hint would be her talking shit about an ex? I don’t know. When she broke up with Jamie she was cruel about the rumors she spread. She even told my mom shit that my mom didn’t want to know. It was... weird.

Maybe I’m concerned that I’m being too mean? I really can’t place it.

 

[somerandomguy]

@littleoc - it's ok to be mean towards your abusers. I mean it. It says so much about you that you're worried about it, but trust me, it's really ok.

They've lost any right to compassion. From any of us. We may understand what drove them to do it, or maybe there was no real reason. Regardless, all of our abusers made choices that should disqualify them from society. Because they WERE choices - immoral and inhuman choices.

 

[littleoc]

Could Fungus actually have been protecting you? By diverting Brandi's attention? I wonder -- if we all have protective parts maybe that was his place -- to put himself between the two of you so that the real littloc could rest?

I’m thought about this, and I’m not sure.

Fungus would occasionally check on the real-world Brandi because he cares about her. Even the part of her that couldn’t remember what he looked like or sounded like. He didn’t want to leave her in the dark about what was going on while she was human. (How crazy do I sound?) No one else was that kind to her. Luke started getting that way but it was a different personality and a different experience.

Brandi reached out for the first time ever to Fungus after I tried to break up with her. Fungus had checked on her. He does sometimes. He was worried she’d kill herself or die or something. But the next day he reached it to her. Then started asking for his help every day.

Talking about this is bringing me back a little too much. But I’m just saying, I’m not sure it was because Fungus was protecting me. He was protecting Brandi and feeling helpless about it. And also maybe even a little addicted to it. Brandi hated me by this point. But not Fungus.

 

[Chris-duck]

she’d probably get support. She’s been through shit.

But what's the chances really? Like out of everyone in the world, there's a very small percentage of us on here, there's a lot of members, but nowhere near a big percentage of the PTSD world, never mind the actual world so it's unlikely anyone from our real lives will find us here. I think a lot of perps have been through shit, but that doesn't mean they want support with it, and it doesn't mean that (worst case scenario) if she comes on here and starts talking shit about you we're all gonna be like "Oh, this new kid is right, littleoc does suck!" Cos we like you. So it doesn't matter, to us, what she feels. We don't like her :P

And I don't think you're being too mean, like I get feeling like that, but just cos she's been through shit, doesn't take away from the shit she put you through. Both things exist in totally separate places in the world.

 

[littleoc]

They've lost any right to compassion. From any of us. We may understand what drove them to do it, or maybe there was no real reason. Regardless, all of our abusers made choices that should disqualify them from society. Because they WERE choices - immoral and inhuman choices.

Maybe I’m stuck — but does it count as a choice if she was a child who was also being abused?

I guess I still feel like it was my fault? Because I started it? But then again, I didn’t. She came to me saying there was a demon in her head. And I rightfully assumed we were playing a game. Most people don’t literally believe that they’re going to randomly turn into an animal because they’re possessed. That’s a game.

She said Jamie didn’t force her to believe games. But I wasn’t forcing her. She clearly knew it wasn’t real and was in some kind of denial. And I was afraid to just tell her because she was threatening me. Constantly. I was terrified of what she’d do, and terrified that she’d keep calling me a liar and a schizophrenic manipulative psychopath.

I’m not the one who cheated on me with someone who regularly kills animals and claimed it was fine because Brandi “is a Virgin” because I “didn’t count” because I’d been raped before and I was too gross to be with.

I should maybe search for my first-time-angry posts in this diary? I think they happened in May, maybe June? This is all just really confusing still.

And I don't think you're being too mean, like I get feeling like that, but just cos she's been through shit, doesn't take away from the shit she put you through. Both things exist in totally separate places in the world.

That’s true. I can say that easily about my dad. I know he went through worse shit than I did, but maybe not. Come to think of it. But in any case, he had no excuse to teach people like that.

And I treated Brandi with kindness and respect. I stayed up late with her to try to help her be less depressed. She closed off saying she couldn’t handle me and my issues. But that was also after she thought my past was a game. She loved telling people how f*cked up my life was. Then wanted me to tell her everything and have no secrets. That got scary fast.

She’d say that she hated that her mom was going through her stuff preventing her from having secrets, then immediately turn around and warn me to memorize what I said in therapy so she could hear it, because that’s what friends do. And on the day I made a boundary and refused to tell her, she accused me of talking bad about her. She kept wanting to come to my EMDR sessions to make sure I wasn’t telling the therapist she was traumatizing me. Which was weird, since she was using the same threats on her own mother. She and Jamie straight up contemplated murder on that woman. That woman is lucky I was there and unwilling to cooperate.

I get exhausted thinking about all this stuff. It’s easier talking about my dad and the pedo because at least I got to process it as one person. Brandi needed me to be many people. I was constantly juggling who I was. I was H, N, Luke, Sk, Si, R, Rj, I, .... list goes on.

During that year after I tried to tell her they weren’t real and she had the scariest f*cking breakdown, she claimed I should know for sure now that she’s not “just using” me because she didn’t bring them up for a year. That was the year she had me shoved behind a mattress against a wall, allowed a teacher to throw a ball at my face and egged the class on to laugh about it, basically told me not to make friends who weren’t her or she’d get jealous and I better not call her clingy....

I wish an adult had believed me. I asked for help so many times. People just don’t care about teenagers.

 

[littleoc]

Sorry, I’m being edgy again o.O

My dog is cuddly today :D

 

[littleoc]

I felt trapped with Brandi, though. When I got to university (which she tried to sabatoge and hated me even more after I went anyway) and stepped into the chapel for the first time, I felt dirty.

 

[littleoc]

And then I made real friends and that was awesome. Then she cheated on me because of it. While I was in a foreign country. But at least I didn’t have to help her move out of another place she was evicted from.